New - Desperate & Confused, H won't end affair

[Lisa65]

Thank you all so much. Both for listening and not being judgmental on things I shared. It has been like operating on myself without anesthesia as I've forced myself to look within, taking ownership of my part in the breakdown of our M, and also having some very frank heart to heart talks with myself on what I truly want from myself, from relationships, from life.

Friday night and most of Saturday I felt on the verge of a total breakdown. In an uncharacteristically callous move even for him in this situation, H up and decided to effectively spend nearly 3 days with OW. I finally called my sister, who went through something nearly identical two years ago. She has been my rock and gave me what I needed in the moment - love and support.

I took half an hour Saturday evening to think and cry and pray. I grew up in a very religious home but fell away from religion in my late teens and throughout my adult life. A lot of things about my current situation are making me strongly reevaluate that choice now.

I came back and started reading through some threads here. One of them mentioned a recent article about extending a choice only a cheater can make. I don't know why, as the information wasn't all that different from everything else I've been reading these past weeks. Just maybe now I was ready to hear it. That, and my H's actions over the weekend.

Having typed out my long history here on this thread, as well as having done a bit of journaling for myself Saturday night to get my thoughts together, I suddenly had a shift. I was reading all the things I'd put up with throughout our 25 years together, and I was reading all the things he's done the past six months, the past three weeks, this past weekend. And I realized, if this is the man he truly is, and perhaps has been all along, then I really don't want to be married to him any longer.

My brain just did a complete 180 on myself. Up until this point, I knew that everything I was doing, every move I made and every word I said, I had been orchestrating with one goal in mind - to hold onto him and save our marriage. Now, all of the sudden, I simply didn't care anymore. I completely let go of him in my mind and heart. I was no longer afraid of what he may or may not do as a result of me valuing myself - that was his issue. I no longer wanted to be with a man who thought I wasn't good enough, who ran away from uncomfortable responsibilities like issues with our son, who was so weak in character that he couldn't make a decision and stick with it, who seemed to bend and sway with every new blast of wind.

It was like a light went on, I detached completely, and I loved myself for it. I knew I would mourn for the relationship I thought I had, but that would be the case regardless. I still loved him, but I didn't like him at all. As was the advice to me in this thread, I decided to put the relationship in God's hands. I quit praying for him to come back and instead started praying for strength and courage and guidance in how to proceed in my kids' best interest and mine. I took that article to heart and decided what I would and would not tolerate. In my mind, it was a problem that would resolve itself - if I set my boundaries and he left for good, then he would have done me a favor as that is a man I don't want in my life, or around my kids. If he didn't leave, and instead ultimately wanted to work things out, I would CONSIDER the possibility of working things out with that man. But only consider.

But as of that moment, later Saturday night, I was done. I'd let go. I wasn't just okay, I was really good. I started reading some inspirational things and just focusing on me and some GAL things I might like to do.

I can't explain this, but the effect was almost instantaneous. Just as I was about to go up to bed, I got a text from H: "I don't know what I'm doing. I'm a mess Lisa. I'm sorry. You are so much smarter and more astute than me."

This is while he is with the OW. I didn't respond for a while and then said "I don't know what you're talking about." I honestly didn't want to hear it.

A while later he texted again saying he was sorry but he'd be back in the morning, and that he could tell our son that he was staying with a friend of his for the night. Once again I was annoyed and just said, "Seriously? You're staying the night with her?" He didn't respond. Finally, even though I know it was technically wrong from a DB tactic, I just said, "I think I'm done, D. Goodnight." Because I was. It wasn't a tactic, and I didn't care. I was done with his foolishness and weak character.

A while later he texted: "Everything is done. You and the books were right."

I had already gone to sleep so I didn't see that until much later. And I didn't care.

The next morning at around 9:30 he texted again saying that he is not done with our marriage and family, that he wants to repair and rebuild. I waited a while and then just texted he'd have to prove that to me.

We texted a few more times throughout the day. From what I gather, he left the OW early that morning and just hung out in the city by himself, reading, thinking, writing things down. He was in touch intermittently.

All of this is brand new since this began. Before, he would say he could see that there were good parts of our marriage worth saving, but this is the first time he has come right out and said that's what he wants.

However, I believe nothing. I didn't know what had caused this turnaround, and I honestly wasn't sure I cared. I just decided to get on with my day and that when he got home, I'd say nothing. I'd wait to let him talk.

He finally got home at maybe 5:30 or 6:00. I was reading in the living room and just let him come in and sit down. I didn't say anything except a hello. I waited, and when it seemed like he wasn't ready to talk, I went back to reading. He was really hesitant and asked if I wanted to be left alone. I said no, he was fine. After a bit of small talk about dinner and other practical matters, we went outside on the patio which has always seemed to be conducive to us talking.

Finally, he started saying all the right things. I can't remember the order or even exactly what he said, but the long and short of it was that he has made a terrible mistake, that he desperately wants to stay married to me, that he doesn't know if I would ever take him back, that he realized that this relationship is exactly what he kept swearing to himself it wasn't - a midlife crisis affair (although he didn't use the term MLC), that he can't live without me. He said what an amazing person I am, how inspired he is by how I have handled myself and that he looks up to me and thinks I am the wisest, most solid person he's ever met and that's why he fell in love with me, and he knows that no one will ever know him and love him like I do, that we have a bond, and that our history is the most important thing in the world. That we are best friends and that he was fooling himself thinking that there were things that were unfixable in our marriage, that he now realizes that everything he thought he was chasing and that he wanted are things that he and I could have together.

He said everything right. Except the one thing.

So I listened and I smiled and I nodded and I teared up and I understood. But I also forgot absolutely nothing that I'd already decided. So I stopped him and just said, "Look, this weekend was hard, really hard. But I guess it turns out to be the best thing you could have done for both of us because it looks like it gave us both clarity. The distance from you gave me ample time to think and to focus on myself and what I want, and what I will and won't tolerate."

He looked nervous but I kept going because I still didn't care. I guess I quoted generously from that article, because it helped me so much. I said that a marriage is between two people, him and me. I won't be part of an open marriage, I won't be part of a threesome. That as long as a third party remained part of the equation, I am not part of the equation. As long as there is another person involved, I am not his wife, he is not my husband, and there is no marriage to work on. And as there is no marriage, that I wanted him out. I said I preferred that he go stay somewhere else, but finances being what they are for us, he could stay in the guest room or sleep on the couch. Either way, though, our bed is our marriage bed and I won't have him there as long as there is another person involved.

I said that he should take the time he needs to figure himself out, keep going to therapy, but that tomorrow I was canceling our marriage therapy appointments for this week because I didn't see the point in pouring money, time and emotion into saving a marriage that wasn't yet a marriage. At this point he practically leaped in front of me and begged me not to cancel the appointments. He said PLEASE don't cancel him, that he desperately wants to go, that he wants to save our marriage and he knows what he has to do.

I was unsure at this point about what stance to take. Finally, I just said I wouldn't cancel them...for now. But that he needs to understand, I am not his Plan B. I am not interested in helping him figure out whether I'm "good enough", and that quite honestly, he is going to have to win me back because I have practically both feet out the door. He looked stricken and asked me if he even has a chance, was he going to go through all this and me not take him back. I told him I have no idea what I'm going to do, that's a risk he was going to have to take, and a lot of how I proceed has everything to do with his actions now. But that if he was asking me if I was pulling some kind of vindictive "make him jump through hoops and then kick him in the balls because I'll never take him back" thing, then no, that's not me.

We talked some more, and everything has been pretty consistent. He has told me that he is ending it with her, that he recognizes that an affair is an addiction, that he was chasing a fantasy and that he has been a fool and desperately needs help.

He slept in the guest room last night. I fought every "nice" impulse I had to help him ready the bed, to apologize, to show any emotion about it at all. He texted to see if he could come in to access the bathroom to get some things. I said of course he could, and he said "I don't know what the rules are." I just said neither do I and left it at that. I feel good about asserting a boundary - it has helped my feelings of self-worth tremendously.

This morning we walked into town for coffee and a bagel. I was waiting for his usual emotional swing to the other side, but it didn't happen. He still sounds resolute in recommitting to our marriage. Against all the advice I have read, I find myself unable to shut my mouth sometimes because I am a supremely rational person who wants to understand things, even if they hurt and even when I end up putting all my cards on the table, so to speak. I've wanted to ask a million questions but suppressed most of them. I did, however, ask a couple of things this morning.

I have been telling him since yesterday that I simply don't believe his words anymore, and he fully understands that. I reminded him how many times he has hinted around about wanting to stay, only to run into the city and be "bewitched" by her once again, despite all his misgivings about their relationship. I asked him why, after we got so close last Wednesday (we had a very, very good couple of talks where he all but said he wanted to stay in the marriage), why did he then suddenly shift, and run into her arms on Friday and then I basically didn't see him for three days. I asked him what changed. He said something about being scared at the thought of letting her go, of letting that fantasy go, that getting closer to me made him panic at the idea of losing the other.

I also, against my own better judgment, asked him if he thought he would ever be able to let her go. Even if he did physically, would he spend his days... and he finished the question for me, "...pining for her?" he asked. I nodded. He immediately said it would not be a problem. I know I looked doubtful, so he said he has now come to realize that as much as he wanted to believe all this time that it was "true love" with her, that literally everything has been a fantasy. They came together only situationally, out of constant proximity since they worked together every day, and that it was easy to jump into her lifestyle there in the city and pretend that's what he wanted for himself. But that now that he's been forced to look at things this past month and all the things that were propping it up nicely as a fantasy bubble are gone, he is seeing it with the "ugly lights" on it and realizes that apart from work, they really don't have anything else in common at all. He said the 20 year age difference would always be a problem and only get worse, and he started looking at couples with kids around town and realized there is just no way he wants to start over with a new family, and no way he wants someone new. And he said that even through all this agony of the past few weeks, I've been there for him more than she has. Apparently she's been in her own little world - he said she's got some severe problems, a pretty major panic disorder, and a generally self-involved personality (which may be due in part to her panic disorder and her young age - those are my thoughts, not his).

Anyway, I guess that's where things stand right now. I continue to believe nothing that I hear. He is saying the right things for the first time in nearly a month, so I guess I am trying to be open-minded rather than hopeful. Kind of a wait and see attitude. I am at a weird kind of peace. It's not that I don't care - I obviously do. But I've made peace with the idea of letting things with him unfold as they do and instead just focusing on me and my kids. I got him out of our bedroom and he will stay out until I feel he deserves to be there.

Today he had another lunch meeting for networking for a job. Every other day my heart would sink as he left for the city, because it was as though he turned from Married H to Single H on the train ride in, and I knew he'd be hooking up with her whenever the opportunity presented itself. Today he told me, swore to me, that he was going to the meeting and then coming directly home on the next train. Thing is, I literally don't care. I have pulled away and he is free to be as much of an idiot as he wants to be, or he is free to come chasing after me if he so desires. I don't know if, how or when he intends to end things with her, and I told him I wouldn't ask. I let him know last night that I had looked up a divorce attorney and had fully intended on calling this week to make a consultation appointment. Absolute truth. He begged me not to do that, to please give our marriage a chance. I told I didn't WANT to divorce, but that he had to understand I'm done with the disrespect and the indecision and that I am completely ready to walk. That in fact as of Saturday night, I'd already made that decision.

I'm no longer naive enough to believe I'm headed for the "piecing" boards. I believe nothing yet. But I haven't cried since early Saturday night, and I remain steady in my belief that I will be okay. And I am certainly a HELL of a lot stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. All this time I've put H on a pedestal for what I believed to be extraordinary character and integrity. I don't think he's a terrible person, but I now see he is a very flawed human being like all of us, and to be honest, I am really proud of the person I am turning into and how I've handled myself. I'm going to survive this a stronger, better person no matter how things turn out.

I will update more as necessary.

[Azzork]

I am really proud of the person I am turning into and how I've handled myself. I'm going to survive this a stronger, better person no matter how things turn out.

In the end, this is what truly matters.

I will add that in general, I think youve got a lot of good self-realization in what you wrote. For some people, the betrayal you have experienced IS the end no matter what the WS chooses. I wont judge your choices in that matter. What I do recommend is as follows:

1) See that L to find out your options. With so much at stake, you need to make sure you understand your rights. That doesnt mean you need to DO anything, but learning is important. Knowledge is POWER.

2) I urge you to give things some time to settle down before you do go filing. To go from the depths of where you were last week, to feeling in control now...you may find yourself on this roller coaster over the next few days, weeks, month. I implore you to at least give all of this some time to stabilize in your mind so that you can be sure of what you really want. Im not saying to move to "piecing" today - Im saying to let this new normal "exist" for a bit, just to understand it.

[Lisa65]

Thanks, Azzork. Yes, I agree wholeheartedly with everything you said.

Don't get me wrong, I was in no hurry at all to go filing - my intent was just to have a consultation. To get information and face facts and to prove to myself that I am capable of taking care of myself and my kids. However, I had not decided I wanted a divorce necessarily. What I decided is that I was no longer afraid of getting one. And that I was perfectly willing to separate.

The separation part was key to my boundaries and self-respect. I knew I was getting him out of our bedroom regardless, but I made it clear that if we going to just be out all night or late into the nights with his girlfriend, he was to get out of the house because I wouldn't subject our son, or myself, to that blatant disrespect, even in the current circumstances.

I am not one to react on emotions. I'm pretty level-headed and if I know I'm upset or otherwise unable to think clearly and rationally, I will postpone any important decisions. My decision to draw my own boundary around me was the first time I took my emotions out of it and decided to act on what I feel is in my best interest and that of my family. And i had no fear of it "backfiring" because I wasn't doing it as a bluff or a ploy to get him to do something. I simply have no intention of allowing my family to be treated that way.

So I am truly in a wait and see mode. I'm not rushing to anything at all, believe me. I do want my marriage to work out, assuming he is the man I hope he is deep down and wants to come back for the right reasons. If he doesn't, I've lost nothing but a man who ultimately wasn't right for me.

Either way, I stand to gain a much better future. I'm hopeful that it will be with him.

[Rouky]

Hi Lisa, I was feeling like you when I first joined in. I still have relaps, but looking back 6 months ago, I am now in a better place (even though at times it's hard).

I have come to realise that I cannot change my H nor what he did to me, but I have improved myself and I like the new me.

I think DB isn't only about saving your mariage but more about what you learnt and who you really are. You are still in the first stages of this roller coaster, so don't put too much pressure on you. Take time to feel your emotions and ride with them. I know easier said than done. Take each day as it comes, if not take each hour as it comes. Try to see the positives.

One of mine today was that it was really pouring down and had no umbrella. Before I'd have pester about being soaking wet, but today I dreamt about going under the rain and jump in the poodles!

Keep faith that things will get better.

[Cristy]

Hello Lisa,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

What a difference a few days makes. You are so strong and insightful. As you know, this will be a roller coaster.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.


Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Zues126]

Lisa, I'm very impressed. Your last post should be 'stickied' as a way to handle the boomerang spouse.

One thing to consider, and I'm not suggesting you need to do this immediately, only to start thinking about how and when you'll work this in...applaud what you do see.

I'm not suggesting that you leap back into his arms, or that you close your eyes and trust him completely, or anything like that. But I think it IS ok to give him some positives when you can. He is battling an addiction, and you want to assure him that the life he can have with you will be ok. Men need affirmation from their W's, and he needs it now more than ever. You may feel he deserves it less than ever, but that's debatable. While it's true he has enough lack of character to betray you, he also may have enough to avoid a trap that would end many marriages, and someday you might actually respect how quickly he aborted his MLC (assuming this keeps up!).

These are just brainstorms, but maybe some reassuring words could be:

-While I am taking no responsibility for your behavior, I will say this time has allowed me to reflect on my contribution to the breakdown of our M. If you are able to demonstrate your recommitment to the M it will take hard work, but I want you to know that I'm willing to put in that hard work as well, so that we can build this M into something better than it was before. It's important for me that your needs are met so our M is safe, and I'm willing to take a look at anything and everything that lead to the spot we ended up.

-Given the chance I would much prefer to remain M to you, and rebuild our M so it was better than before and we both felt more understood, appreciated, and fulfilled. You're my H and of course I love you. Of course, this doesn't change anything I've said as you know my boundaries, and that while it would hurt to be D that would be the only alternative if you don't respect them. But I do want you to know that I'm willing to do my part, that your needs are important too, and that I would be satisfied with nothing less than an improved M that we were both happy with. It's a tough road, but it's real, and maybe we can even have some of that fantasy happiness in our own M. I can't lower my standards, but I am in your corner.

I dunno. Tweak as needed. But I do think you have to give him some hope and encouragement without lowering the bar or thinking he's getting 'free passes'.

Does that make any sense?

[Butterc]

Hi Lisa

I hear what you're saying. I've been reading post after post to get a handle on my emotions and I too noticed there seem to be more D than DB. Uphill makes total sense about who posts on the forum. If I were concentrating on M working, I wouldn't be posting as much. But reading this forum has become a major part of my learning to detach and GAL.

BTW, I have read your posts and find a lot to relate to. So thanks. I feel I am not alone.

[Uphill]

I'm glad you understand what I said. Sometimes people jus need a break, I came here and posted nonstop for a week or two, then sat and soaked in the info or a week. Then came back. We have a great group of vets! (Sandi2, wonka, cadet, 25yrs.... There are more but I will fill a page with names). They are here at this point strictly to give back. They aren't required to do this so take what they say to heart, they are truly here to help all of us. There is also a great group of non-vets, who are a great support system. They may not be as experienced as the vets but thu can see your sitch from a different perspective. Myself, I try to keep up with almost all threads, as time permits. Even though I may not talk a whole lot, I care about everybody here. Without this place to vent and get opinions I would not be where I am today. No, I'm not saying I'm any closer to a R with the woman I love. I'm saying I can feel myself getting stronger because of the support.

Sometimes, the end goal of an R with the X is met. Sometimes you just come out as a better person. Either way, you will grow.

I hate to admit this because I haven't done this lately, but I actually started crying while writing this. It just means so much that everybody here is not only in a very tough spot in thier own life. But willing to try to help others at the same time.

[woundedfool]

I need to know that this stuff CAN work. I know it might not work for me and my marriage, but I'm beginning to feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

Absolutely positively it can work!

It may not save your marriage, but it will give you a fighting chance.

In my instance it did not save my marriage, but without a doubt it saved ME!

[V2pt0]

Hey Lisa,

Just wanted to check in and see how things are on your end? It has been a while since you posted.