Flailing

[Lost08]

Looking for that bit of support again. Thoughts of H leaving on Sat. plague me today. It's not as if there was a decision made and he's moving out to live with OW, but at the same time, it feels like that's exactly what is happening.

When he's here, in my heart, I feel as if we can get through this. I think he'd be forced to end the A. He has no way to be with her. And we could work on our M. Supposedly he's willing to do that.

Denial? Because they could still continue a virtual A?

I'm supposed to let him go. He's on his own journey. But I can't wrap my head and heart around how to talk to him/see him via Skype and not be overwhelmed with doubts/questions of what he's doing. How can I trust anything he says? Then I think I can't very well completely ignore him while he's away either.

I'm so fearful he'll come back to us in December, nothing will have changed and, in his mind, he'll live with us briefly before returning again. As if he's be visiting distant relatives on a layover. And I'll still be trapped in this limbo hell while he treats me like a roommate and carries on his double life.

When do I set boundaries? After he returns? I don't think I want him to stay with us if he's even further entrenched in his A.

Or am I thinking too far ahead? I don't want to ruin Christmas for the kids, but I don't know I can keep up this charade of upbeat PMA and friendly neighbor if he comes back telling me how he can't give up his new love.