If there is one thing I've learned from this experience it is this: We cannot change anyone else. We can simply decide who we will allow to share our lives with us.
If WAW changes on her own, regrets her decision, grows as a person in some serious ways, reaches out to you of her own accord, expresses serious remorse, and is earnest in her desire to prove those changes to you and share her life with you in a way that hadn't been experienced before...then you have some things to consider.
The two things you shouldn't do is 1) try to lead her to that conclusion, that is control that won't work and will only leave you vulnerable, or 2) hold your breath.
The sad reality is that many WAS's never do go through this process. Our society is made up with people that think this is an acceptable way to live (or in their minds, the only way to live because they had 'no choice'). This is clearly indicated by her parents as well as her own behavior.
What's even more hard to accept is that many people will learn this, but only years and years down the road, when they are going through the same cycle with someone different. A co-worked just told me the other day "If I knew then what I know now I never would've D'd my first wife." Of course he's remarried now so he's going to use those lessons for M#2. This is tough to stomach, but this is reality.
I'm grateful for my children and couldn't imagine life without them. At the same time, one of the biggest losses imaginable is that I can't share the loving times with my partner. I am in no way diminishing your loss, as what you're going through is devastating beyond belief. But I do agree that you should be very careful about who you decide to start a family with.
I used to be a hiring manager for a sales department. Everyone put their best foot forward in the interview, and at first I wanted to give everyone a chance and give them the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately those that weren't really able to execute in a sales role became negative, unaccountable, and not only did they and the department suffer as a result, they often became a cancer that negatively impacted others that were trying to succeed in their careers. I learned to interview harder, to not be blinded by appearances or cliche answers, but to really probe deeply to try to pick up on patterns on how they handled adversity in their lives, why they have left employers in the past, their motivations, their outlooks, their attitudes, and just in general who they really were underneath.
Trust me when I tell you that I am not prepared to fall blindly in love. A winning smile and some text messages that make me feel gushy and important mean next to nothing to me if it's from someone that conducts their lives like these WAS's do. They will need to demonstrate to me by their beliefs, conduct, and past decisions that they have the tools to be a lifelong committed partner.
I'm not naive enough to think that guarantees anything. If there was a way to guarantee a good M this forum wouldn't exist (Although I have fantasized about a surgical operation that would be implanted in both of our skulls that would cause detonation if either spouse cheated or went over 7 days without making love or having a 30 minute conversation...). But I do believe that with our eyes wide open and basing our decisions on fundamentally sound factors and not hormones we can give ourselves the best opportunity to allow a lasting R.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thanks for your encouragement and words of wisdom Zues. I'm definitely not holding my breath. I think the majority of WAS's are people who, like you say, end up realizing the weight of their mistakes many years later, or they continue to repeat the same cycle again and again. In this next phase of my life, I will continue to better myself, but also brush up on my "interviewing skills", being cautious and not allowing emotions to outweigh sound thinking. I'm sorry to hear about you having to do life with your kids and without your spouse. I feel fortunate when I read other people's situations on this forum. Comparatively, I came out of this relatively unscathed. There is always something to be grateful for, even if it leaves a deep wound.
Me:29 W:27 M: 4 years T: 5 years No children S: 7/7/15 EA: 7/7/15 BD/"I'm done": 7/15/15 MC: 7/7/15-8/21/15 (failed) PA: 8/29/15 W Files for D: 9/9/15 D will finalize in 60 days
Question about going dark: I know this means not initiating contact, but what does it mean as far as responding to her contact? Is this totally ignoring any contact she initiates?
Me:29 W:27 M: 4 years T: 5 years No children S: 7/7/15 EA: 7/7/15 BD/"I'm done": 7/15/15 MC: 7/7/15-8/21/15 (failed) PA: 8/29/15 W Files for D: 9/9/15 D will finalize in 60 days
Unfortunately Rdken we cannot change how people have been brought up and what their values are, what we can only change is what WE want from life and what our own values are.
I used to think how I have been brought up was the right way, now I have learned that they are different ways and I need to find a compromise that doesn't clash with my own moral values.
It's not an easy position you are in, although in few months time you'll feel better. Please focus on yourself. You have so much to look forward too. Keep faith :-)
Question about going dark: I know this means not initiating contact, but what does it mean as far as responding to her contact? Is this totally ignoring any contact she initiates?
I don't like ignoring contact. It looks immature. Instead be a bit distant, businesslike, and don't draw things out. Never give more than about 75% of what she does.
For example:
Her: Hey, just thinking about you, how's it been going? You: It's all good. No need to ask her how she's been.
Feel free to give us examples of texts you've gotten, but caution- might want to change the verbiage SLIGHTLY so if by some weird stretch she google searches her text message it doesn't lead her right to this board. Sounds paranoid, but it's happened.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Good. Thanks Zues. Anyone else please feel free to chime in.
Me:29 W:27 M: 4 years T: 5 years No children S: 7/7/15 EA: 7/7/15 BD/"I'm done": 7/15/15 MC: 7/7/15-8/21/15 (failed) PA: 8/29/15 W Files for D: 9/9/15 D will finalize in 60 days
FYI- if she's violated some severe boundaries you can just not reply altogether. In that case it might help to explain why you're not communicating. Something simple like
"I understand you're not interested in being M and I will respect your wishes. I, however, am not interested in downgrading our M to a casual friendship. I will be taking some space to continue to rebuild and enjoy my new life."
Last edited by Zues126; 09/15/1501:47 AM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Makes sense. Since we're divorced (or almost) there really aren't any other boundaries she can violate. She is now free to do whatever her heart desires. I did already tell her that I will not be able to be her friend. And that's for my personal healing. It wasn't said to manipulate or guilt her. Ultimately, I don't think she will be contacting me that much, but I wanted to ask just in case.
Me:29 W:27 M: 4 years T: 5 years No children S: 7/7/15 EA: 7/7/15 BD/"I'm done": 7/15/15 MC: 7/7/15-8/21/15 (failed) PA: 8/29/15 W Files for D: 9/9/15 D will finalize in 60 days
I'm going to hijack my own thread. Azzork, you seem to be a person of strong character. Do you mind sharing some of the details of your story. It appears that we are both already D?
Me:29 W:27 M: 4 years T: 5 years No children S: 7/7/15 EA: 7/7/15 BD/"I'm done": 7/15/15 MC: 7/7/15-8/21/15 (failed) PA: 8/29/15 W Files for D: 9/9/15 D will finalize in 60 days
Just an update. W actually filed on September 9. D will finalize in 60 days.
Me:29 W:27 M: 4 years T: 5 years No children S: 7/7/15 EA: 7/7/15 BD/"I'm done": 7/15/15 MC: 7/7/15-8/21/15 (failed) PA: 8/29/15 W Files for D: 9/9/15 D will finalize in 60 days
