First Post, She just Left, Very unsure

[Shrike]

Thank you for the feedback sandi, I do appreciate it. It feels good to just get stuff out there and have advice from people that have been there before.

Really? How would you answer those questions if someone else asked them?

I would personally answer yes as that Is how I feel. I am unsure however if this is right response right now. I know we are not supposed to argue. But I am learning (slowly :/) that its not really about her anymore. I have to think about me and my kid.

Some people may suggest using every stall tactic you can, to slow the S or D process. IMO, it just causes the WW to feel more contempt for the H. But that's your decision to make. If it is you trying to get control of the stitch, I don't think it will work.

You can't talk her into changing her mind. The more you try to persuade her to not D you, the faster you push her away. Be honest. What do you think you will accomplish by prolonging the S? If you are thinking that in time she will come around and things will just work itself out............you are in for a big let down. It doesn't happen that way.

I did not ask her to take more time. I realized I was just doing it because I thought it would give her the chance to see that I can change. But I think that she no longer really cares if I change.

Don't misunderstand and think I am pushing you to run out and be first to file. I'm not. I want you to take a deep breath and use your head and answer these questions as honestly as you can. Not to me, but to yourself.

You are wanting to make some move that will stall her from ending the M. Right? Those desperate thoughts will likely prevent you from calming down enough to really learn what you need to apply.

As far as she's concerned, the M is over. Taking time or space is what a WW says to just get away from her H. That's her first step. She has already thought it over. Am I saying this is totally hopeless? No. I think your actions could influence the final results. Don't be afraid of the D papers. That fear will imprison you.

It has been extremely difficult to accept that because she has walked out, she has already made up her mind. However I think I'm out of big moves. It is insane how ingrained my life was with her. I have to go re-read detachment. I might print it out and keep it in my pocket with the 37.

So, I challenge you to go this entire week without initiating any contact. If she texts you, give only two to four word responses.......and only if she asks a direct question that requires an answer. Think you can do it?

I accept, I need the space now.

You see, it's not about what she does, but what you do. It isn't about controlling her actions, but your own.

You know what the majority of newcomers say about the 37 rules? "They are so hard". They aren't hard. It is the individual person who doesn't want to do them. They are afraid to trust them. However, I have little doubt that every newcomer has done every one of those rules at some time in their marital past, and thought nothing of it. But now, they are disparate! Now they feel threatened. They are scared to death and clinging like crazy to keep their spouse from getting a D. Now the dynamics have changed, and the rules seem unbearable. Do you see what I mean?

I think I am starting too. At first I thought that this all would empower me to change so I get my wife back. I have begun to realize that It cannot be about her any longer. She chose to walk out. However bad it was for both of us, she made that decision. Not to say she doesn't deserve the right to make it.

What I have to do now is get My life back. In a way she has given me a gift, to make myself a better person. I cant sit back and wait with my arms open while she moves in the opposite direction.

Remember how you felt when you fell out of love with her? Yet, you want to believe you can still see her love for you shining in her eyes? If this were true, she would not be trying to get away from you! Does she still care about you? Probably, b/c you are the father of her child. But caring and feeling in love are two different things to a young woman. She can care about a friend or a relative. So, don't be delusional about how she feels about you. I'm not saying you are the type, but some men try to tell a woman what she really feels........as though she doesn't have enough sense to figure it out herself. Truth is, she may be confused and don't know what she's feeling........but it is not your job to tell her. It makes women furious for a man to argue about what she's feeling! Just thought I'd give you that little tip.

I only say this, as this is what she expressed to me. That yes there was love there still and that she still has feelings, but that she cannot act on it and does not know if she ever can act on it again. She still has to do this, because she has to work on herself, has to pursue her goals and just be happy again and already feels happier being away. (hearing this pretty much confirmed that she wouldn't be reconciling)

Just hard things to hear, but I will have to accept them.

The twinkle in her eyes may have just be my delusions you are correct, but I feel like I know her well enough to see it... I do agree that I cannot tell her how to feel and I definitely tried to stay far away from doing this.