back from first meeting with the attorney. was a little easier than i thought. I told her everything i was looking for. GAve the history of everything and we can now add another person to the list that say "what is she thinking?" LOL next step is to see what W comes up with for her wants out of a sep agreement.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
this morning I got up and got the kids up and ready for school as i always do while my W just gets herself ready. I really dont mind this, but i am curious if i need to make an excuse to have to leave for work earlier a few days to make her manage things. I really like the time with the kids though and i know they do also.
I don't think it will solve anything about her taking on more responsibility with the kids. What good will just a few days do? She'll be angry at you, and then you'll go back to getting the kids ready. Either continue as you've been doing, or plan to start leaving early every day. I understand why you probably want to do it, but you've waited too long to try and push this on her at this particular time. Sadly, there seems to be a lot of women who are spoiled, or lazy, and expect the H to do what was traditionally considered one of the jobs of a mother. Perhaps she was demanding, or maybe the H spoiled her, IDK. But it seems that after he starts doing her work, she expects it......instead of appreciating it.
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She has to know it hurts me to think about, and right after she tried to make small talk all morning about other things. My only response to her was OK. is she checking me or is it that she is so far gone and detached herself it makes no difference to her on my potential feelings?
I'd go with your final answer. ^^
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I know i should not care, and i feel like i am doing a much better job and see what is ahead of us, but that doesnt mean it will not hurt.
I noticed i am having a hard time keeping old memories from popping into my head. happy ones. which is almost funny because it seem only bad memories come into her head.
Sure, it hurts. There's no painless or easy solution. The LBS's who are on the board, know it better than anyone.
The death of a M causes grief. Just as when we lose a loved one in death, we remember the good things. The fact that you are not seeing the same reaction in her, adds to your pain. There's nothing you can do about her and how she chooses to remember things. You have to let go of what she feels or doesn't feel. You have to retrain yourself about how to view her, yourself, and the MR.
I'm so sorry you are going through this stuff. Over the years, I have read thousands of stories like yours. It doesn't get any easier b/c the pain people feel is real, and breaking up a family is tragic. Let me add this, however, I have also seen so many LBS come through the experience of D and discover they can be happy again. May sound impossible from where you sit today, but you can be happy and have a good life.....whether the D is busted or not. Not instantly, but sooner than you might think, at this point. It depends upon what you learn, and how you apply it to your life.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi Thanks for the words. Besides moving forward with my life and just having unconditional love for my wife is there anything else I should be doing? I have been determined to leave it in gods hands at this point. Working on not letting things get to me so much and know I can only control myself. I do want to show her someone different than what she has in her head whether it works between us or not. I am trying to find ways to show that. Me doing gal is kind of a complaint she had about our relationship in the first place. I do know those things mean nothing now but tOugh to ignore.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I just feel every time I try to move forward and show a different attitude she brings something up to test me. I fought every urge to ask questions or talk and left it at I would let her know after the appointment. I get emotional when she does this but stayed calm in front of her. I also sense she is rushing something formal to let her move on to someone she has waiting. I know there is nothing in a do about that if so. It still hurts. Anyone seen the pattern before though on every time I feel at peace and dealing with things and detaching myself more from her she tries to shake me up? I know true detachment would t care and I know I am not there yet.
All of this is so common in threads here on the board, that it leads us to think there is another person waiting in the wings. Whenever I see a woman who wants to get out without using lawyers, etc., I wonder if she sees it as a route to superimpose what she wants over what is fair. It happens while the H is still shocked and in terrible pain, and many men will give the W whatever she wants. Later, he sees how he should not have allowed it.
My advice is to protect yourself and your children. In most of these cases we see on the board, the W (at this point) is out for herself and no longer has the mindset of the woman he once knew & loved.
To me, one of the big flags is when the W appears to have lost her motherly love or emotional attachment to her children. All of her attention is directed on herself. Her caring attention and attitude toward them has apparently flipped and the poor little kids know it. They don't understand that their mother is in the Twilight Zone.
Sandi2 my w has been very off with our children recently she has upset most of them in one way or another she is coming down harder on them.
You give such good advice my W wants us to settle our D via mediation and she too tells me that there is no reason why we cannot get along and points out several other couples who she knows who have been d and have come out the other side,ok....
I have thought this through on,several occasions my W is not thinking aboutn things,her attitude is we can deal with this when it happens..
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As strange as it seems, whenever she senses you pull away (detaching), she will test you. We call it emotional temperature check. She is checking to see if you are still emotionally attached to her. When she feels secure in knowing you are attached, then she turns away no longer interested. However, the more she sees that she cannot tempt or test you, the more interested she becomes (no matter how she may be acting or what she says). She begins to wonder if she has messed up and gone too far, b/c it seems to her that she is really losing you.
As long as she can have another man and keep her H attached, she will continue the craziness. Feeling that she's lost her H will usually get her undivided attention and maybe start to wake her up. So, detach, detach, detach.
This may sound like foolish nonsense to you, IDK. However, it is the mindset of a woman like you've described your W. You cannot reason with her b/c she is not logical. Even if you have a good heart to heart talk.........it won't hold. She will be right back in the Twilight Zone again.
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Yes the situations do sound very similar. As a matter of fact when i read DR I thought someone had been writing down my life!. So many stories here are the same. I am slowly getting over the fact that what she told me was wrong in the R about being all my fault. I have taken note to what she has siad agreed with some things and worked to fix them. I have, i will always be working on them as well. I do know this these things should not end a marriage and that happeneing is not all my fault. I do believe she is looking for something more in her life whether it be another person or circumstances. either way i am taking the blame for her wanting something more and thinking she can not have it with me. I can not do anything about that. belive me i have tried!
Now i am just trying to manage the pain, keep reminding myself i can only control me, no matter what i approach her with it will not change her thought process, I need to protect myself and my children, I am a very successful person and will continue to be, there are many things in life i still want and will do, i deserve to be loved as well, and want to be a better all around person to all people.
In the midst of all of this, yes, I still have hope. I am trusting God to help me. no matter the outcome. I have asked to forgiven of my sins and how i may have made her feel in the past. I have asked that i just keep having strength and i have asked him to touch her heart in anyway possible. But I can not make that happen it just has to on its own.
Hopefully i can stay up like this through the day!
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Thank you. I am surprised to the help it is letting it go to God. He has given me strength and some peace! I see small hands bye more and more everyday.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I do have to say as I am feeling better releasing control and knowing I am responsible for me and my children only I still find myself being polite and considerate to her as we are in the same house. I do feel I am disconnecting from her but being a good person. A weird kind of peace. I still get caught up at moments and miss her terribly and miss our family together but they pass easier. I still desire the same thing but I know there is nothing I can do at the moment. Don't get m wrong I still believe there is a large part of me doing the detaching and distancing with a hope for a result. I am also aware this may not be true detachment but it is where I am.
I would love some more advice on methods or actions I should be taking to possibly get attention. I may just not be patient enough and probably will take just continue what I am doing but have to ask. It could be all in my head but I do feel she is acting a bit different. It will not phase me though as I know we are still moving forward with the separation.
I am doing ok today and thankful. Anyone have any other good books I should get into?
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
