Thank you all so much. Both for listening and not being judgmental on things I shared. It has been like operating on myself without anesthesia as I've forced myself to look within, taking ownership of my part in the breakdown of our M, and also having some very frank heart to heart talks with myself on what I truly want from myself, from relationships, from life.
Friday night and most of Saturday I felt on the verge of a total breakdown. In an uncharacteristically callous move even for him in this situation, H up and decided to effectively spend nearly 3 days with OW. I finally called my sister, who went through something nearly identical two years ago. She has been my rock and gave me what I needed in the moment - love and support.
I took half an hour Saturday evening to think and cry and pray. I grew up in a very religious home but fell away from religion in my late teens and throughout my adult life. A lot of things about my current situation are making me strongly reevaluate that choice now.
I came back and started reading through some threads here. One of them mentioned a recent article about extending a choice only a cheater can make. I don't know why, as the information wasn't all that different from everything else I've been reading these past weeks. Just maybe now I was ready to hear it. That, and my H's actions over the weekend.
Having typed out my long history here on this thread, as well as having done a bit of journaling for myself Saturday night to get my thoughts together, I suddenly had a shift. I was reading all the things I'd put up with throughout our 25 years together, and I was reading all the things he's done the past six months, the past three weeks, this past weekend. And I realized, if this is the man he truly is, and perhaps has been all along, then I really don't want to be married to him any longer.
My brain just did a complete 180 on myself. Up until this point, I knew that everything I was doing, every move I made and every word I said, I had been orchestrating with one goal in mind - to hold onto him and save our marriage. Now, all of the sudden, I simply didn't care anymore. I completely let go of him in my mind and heart. I was no longer afraid of what he may or may not do as a result of me valuing myself - that was his issue. I no longer wanted to be with a man who thought I wasn't good enough, who ran away from uncomfortable responsibilities like issues with our son, who was so weak in character that he couldn't make a decision and stick with it, who seemed to bend and sway with every new blast of wind.
It was like a light went on, I detached completely, and I loved myself for it. I knew I would mourn for the relationship I thought I had, but that would be the case regardless. I still loved him, but I didn't like him at all. As was the advice to me in this thread, I decided to put the relationship in God's hands. I quit praying for him to come back and instead started praying for strength and courage and guidance in how to proceed in my kids' best interest and mine. I took that article to heart and decided what I would and would not tolerate. In my mind, it was a problem that would resolve itself - if I set my boundaries and he left for good, then he would have done me a favor as that is a man I don't want in my life, or around my kids. If he didn't leave, and instead ultimately wanted to work things out, I would CONSIDER the possibility of working things out with that man. But only consider.
But as of that moment, later Saturday night, I was done. I'd let go. I wasn't just okay, I was really good. I started reading some inspirational things and just focusing on me and some GAL things I might like to do.
I can't explain this, but the effect was almost instantaneous. Just as I was about to go up to bed, I got a text from H: "I don't know what I'm doing. I'm a mess Lisa. I'm sorry. You are so much smarter and more astute than me."
This is while he is with the OW. I didn't respond for a while and then said "I don't know what you're talking about." I honestly didn't want to hear it.
A while later he texted again saying he was sorry but he'd be back in the morning, and that he could tell our son that he was staying with a friend of his for the night. Once again I was annoyed and just said, "Seriously? You're staying the night with her?" He didn't respond. Finally, even though I know it was technically wrong from a DB tactic, I just said, "I think I'm done, D. Goodnight." Because I was. It wasn't a tactic, and I didn't care. I was done with his foolishness and weak character.
A while later he texted: "Everything is done. You and the books were right."
I had already gone to sleep so I didn't see that until much later. And I didn't care.
The next morning at around 9:30 he texted again saying that he is not done with our marriage and family, that he wants to repair and rebuild. I waited a while and then just texted he'd have to prove that to me.
We texted a few more times throughout the day. From what I gather, he left the OW early that morning and just hung out in the city by himself, reading, thinking, writing things down. He was in touch intermittently.
All of this is brand new since this began. Before, he would say he could see that there were good parts of our marriage worth saving, but this is the first time he has come right out and said that's what he wants.
However, I believe nothing. I didn't know what had caused this turnaround, and I honestly wasn't sure I cared. I just decided to get on with my day and that when he got home, I'd say nothing. I'd wait to let him talk.
He finally got home at maybe 5:30 or 6:00. I was reading in the living room and just let him come in and sit down. I didn't say anything except a hello. I waited, and when it seemed like he wasn't ready to talk, I went back to reading. He was really hesitant and asked if I wanted to be left alone. I said no, he was fine. After a bit of small talk about dinner and other practical matters, we went outside on the patio which has always seemed to be conducive to us talking.
Finally, he started saying all the right things. I can't remember the order or even exactly what he said, but the long and short of it was that he has made a terrible mistake, that he desperately wants to stay married to me, that he doesn't know if I would ever take him back, that he realized that this relationship is exactly what he kept swearing to himself it wasn't - a midlife crisis affair (although he didn't use the term MLC), that he can't live without me. He said what an amazing person I am, how inspired he is by how I have handled myself and that he looks up to me and thinks I am the wisest, most solid person he's ever met and that's why he fell in love with me, and he knows that no one will ever know him and love him like I do, that we have a bond, and that our history is the most important thing in the world. That we are best friends and that he was fooling himself thinking that there were things that were unfixable in our marriage, that he now realizes that everything he thought he was chasing and that he wanted are things that he and I could have together.
He said everything right. Except the one thing.
So I listened and I smiled and I nodded and I teared up and I understood. But I also forgot absolutely nothing that I'd already decided. So I stopped him and just said, "Look, this weekend was hard, really hard. But I guess it turns out to be the best thing you could have done for both of us because it looks like it gave us both clarity. The distance from you gave me ample time to think and to focus on myself and what I want, and what I will and won't tolerate."
He looked nervous but I kept going because I still didn't care. I guess I quoted generously from that article, because it helped me so much. I said that a marriage is between two people, him and me. I won't be part of an open marriage, I won't be part of a threesome. That as long as a third party remained part of the equation, I am not part of the equation. As long as there is another person involved, I am not his wife, he is not my husband, and there is no marriage to work on. And as there is no marriage, that I wanted him out. I said I preferred that he go stay somewhere else, but finances being what they are for us, he could stay in the guest room or sleep on the couch. Either way, though, our bed is our marriage bed and I won't have him there as long as there is another person involved.
I said that he should take the time he needs to figure himself out, keep going to therapy, but that tomorrow I was canceling our marriage therapy appointments for this week because I didn't see the point in pouring money, time and emotion into saving a marriage that wasn't yet a marriage. At this point he practically leaped in front of me and begged me not to cancel the appointments. He said PLEASE don't cancel him, that he desperately wants to go, that he wants to save our marriage and he knows what he has to do.
I was unsure at this point about what stance to take. Finally, I just said I wouldn't cancel them...for now. But that he needs to understand, I am not his Plan B. I am not interested in helping him figure out whether I'm "good enough", and that quite honestly, he is going to have to win me back because I have practically both feet out the door. He looked stricken and asked me if he even has a chance, was he going to go through all this and me not take him back. I told him I have no idea what I'm going to do, that's a risk he was going to have to take, and a lot of how I proceed has everything to do with his actions now. But that if he was asking me if I was pulling some kind of vindictive "make him jump through hoops and then kick him in the balls because I'll never take him back" thing, then no, that's not me.
We talked some more, and everything has been pretty consistent. He has told me that he is ending it with her, that he recognizes that an affair is an addiction, that he was chasing a fantasy and that he has been a fool and desperately needs help.
He slept in the guest room last night. I fought every "nice" impulse I had to help him ready the bed, to apologize, to show any emotion about it at all. He texted to see if he could come in to access the bathroom to get some things. I said of course he could, and he said "I don't know what the rules are." I just said neither do I and left it at that. I feel good about asserting a boundary - it has helped my feelings of self-worth tremendously.
This morning we walked into town for coffee and a bagel. I was waiting for his usual emotional swing to the other side, but it didn't happen. He still sounds resolute in recommitting to our marriage. Against all the advice I have read, I find myself unable to shut my mouth sometimes because I am a supremely rational person who wants to understand things, even if they hurt and even when I end up putting all my cards on the table, so to speak. I've wanted to ask a million questions but suppressed most of them. I did, however, ask a couple of things this morning.
I have been telling him since yesterday that I simply don't believe his words anymore, and he fully understands that. I reminded him how many times he has hinted around about wanting to stay, only to run into the city and be "bewitched" by her once again, despite all his misgivings about their relationship. I asked him why, after we got so close last Wednesday (we had a very, very good couple of talks where he all but said he wanted to stay in the marriage), why did he then suddenly shift, and run into her arms on Friday and then I basically didn't see him for three days. I asked him what changed. He said something about being scared at the thought of letting her go, of letting that fantasy go, that getting closer to me made him panic at the idea of losing the other.
I also, against my own better judgment, asked him if he thought he would ever be able to let her go. Even if he did physically, would he spend his days... and he finished the question for me, "...pining for her?" he asked. I nodded. He immediately said it would not be a problem. I know I looked doubtful, so he said he has now come to realize that as much as he wanted to believe all this time that it was "true love" with her, that literally everything has been a fantasy. They came together only situationally, out of constant proximity since they worked together every day, and that it was easy to jump into her lifestyle there in the city and pretend that's what he wanted for himself. But that now that he's been forced to look at things this past month and all the things that were propping it up nicely as a fantasy bubble are gone, he is seeing it with the "ugly lights" on it and realizes that apart from work, they really don't have anything else in common at all. He said the 20 year age difference would always be a problem and only get worse, and he started looking at couples with kids around town and realized there is just no way he wants to start over with a new family, and no way he wants someone new. And he said that even through all this agony of the past few weeks, I've been there for him more than she has. Apparently she's been in her own little world - he said she's got some severe problems, a pretty major panic disorder, and a generally self-involved personality (which may be due in part to her panic disorder and her young age - those are my thoughts, not his).
Anyway, I guess that's where things stand right now. I continue to believe nothing that I hear. He is saying the right things for the first time in nearly a month, so I guess I am trying to be open-minded rather than hopeful. Kind of a wait and see attitude. I am at a weird kind of peace. It's not that I don't care - I obviously do. But I've made peace with the idea of letting things with him unfold as they do and instead just focusing on me and my kids. I got him out of our bedroom and he will stay out until I feel he deserves to be there.
Today he had another lunch meeting for networking for a job. Every other day my heart would sink as he left for the city, because it was as though he turned from Married H to Single H on the train ride in, and I knew he'd be hooking up with her whenever the opportunity presented itself. Today he told me, swore to me, that he was going to the meeting and then coming directly home on the next train. Thing is, I literally don't care. I have pulled away and he is free to be as much of an idiot as he wants to be, or he is free to come chasing after me if he so desires. I don't know if, how or when he intends to end things with her, and I told him I wouldn't ask. I let him know last night that I had looked up a divorce attorney and had fully intended on calling this week to make a consultation appointment. Absolute truth. He begged me not to do that, to please give our marriage a chance. I told I didn't WANT to divorce, but that he had to understand I'm done with the disrespect and the indecision and that I am completely ready to walk. That in fact as of Saturday night, I'd already made that decision.
I'm no longer naive enough to believe I'm headed for the "piecing" boards. I believe nothing yet. But I haven't cried since early Saturday night, and I remain steady in my belief that I will be okay. And I am certainly a HELL of a lot stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. All this time I've put H on a pedestal for what I believed to be extraordinary character and integrity. I don't think he's a terrible person, but I now see he is a very flawed human being like all of us, and to be honest, I am really proud of the person I am turning into and how I've handled myself. I'm going to survive this a stronger, better person no matter how things turn out.
