I have so much I need to sort out. Forgive all the details. May need several posts today
First the good things - I have the day off!!!!!! And no one knows!!! LOL Of course, I would rather have company, someone to lunch with or have coffee with, but the time off is just so nice I want to sit around and do nothing!
Also, since H was still here yesterday, he took S out to look for new sneakers. I took advantage, asked him to drop me off near a bagel shop, bought myself a breakfast sandwich and went off to eat it on the beach by myself! Me time! wow
It was nice for a little while. Then a woman came and sat next to me and started talking and talking and talking. Telling me about her son who is getting divorced and her daughter who's a single mom and I revealed some things about me sitch and of course, started crying and feeling helpless and had to listen to this stranger tell me how hard D is on kids and not to worry -I'll meet someone else, someone nice when I get rid of H, but how hard it is when you're older and a woman to meet people and date, especially when you have kids .... on and on and on. There went my moment of peace. I needed to escape her!
I went down by the water and walked in and out of the waves. It truly was a spectacular day. If only I had my suit on instead of a dress I would have run into the water.
Then thoughts of H. ugh. Had to concentrate on redirecting my thoughts.
H never called or texted when he returned to the apt. But H and S did show up at the beach after a little while. D stayed behind in apt. supposedly work on homework.
A little awkward at first. Maybe more on my part. Wasn't sure I wanted to see him. But of course, I did really want to see him. Just wanted it to be like a fantasy and have him come up and grab me and kiss me like he used to - oh, well.
Anyway, they were playing football and I was going to leave and S says, "Where are you going? Can you wait (to go back)? I want you to be here" Can you picture the tugs on my heartstrings? And H says, "Well, you can't say no to that!"
So, of course I hang around, can't resist jumping in and teasing my son and playing a little football-monkey in the middle with them.
And the rest of the day was more fun family time. H went back and took a nap, I took S back to the beach and then we decided to go for a run together. When we stopped by the apt. to change into running gear, H was finishing a slice of pizza and tells us he was just about to come down to the beach to be with us.
We tell him we're running and off we go. H watched us for a while - I know this b/c he told us when we returned and poked fun at me for S beating me. Lol Mind you, S is 12 and so darned fast compared to my little old self, it would be funny if my ego wasn't so bruised! He's such a little bugger. We run a few miles and it's like nothing to him, not even a sweat. And here I am, all red-faced, sweating, huffing and puffing. While he just grins at me! stinker. <3
Kids go off in their rooms, H and I hang out. I mention I'm going to do the dishes and have a ton of bills to pay and H says "Why don't I do the dishes while you do the bills?" Okaaay. Then, he stands near me while I'm working on HIS major travel bill from this last trip out of country and he's rubbing my back!?!?
I mean, ok, TBH, if I wasn't trying so hard to not show my feelings, I would have been purring. But why is he touching me now? It's like a fresh little torture for me. A friendly, platonic thing for him? idk. I tried to employ THOUGHT STOPPING/NO EXPECTATIONS and just enjoy it.
An hour or two later, we all went out to dinner together and it was just sooo nice. Food was good. We all laughed and talked, kids included. Crap. I loved it. That was what I was thinking. I love this. I love him. SH** SH** He's saying things to the kids about future plans, saying "Me and mommy," making a comment to D about me being his wife and I'll always come first and he'll always give me everything - it was just part of their convo & I don't think he realized the impact those words could have on me, the hope I'm pushing away...
And, I had a drink. Just one, but it's always enough for me to loosen up a little and be more physical than usual. Had to reign it in and not reach out and touch. I did a good job of that.
THEN, I had to run out to the store on the mainland for some last minute things the kids remembered they needed for school and H looks at me, eye contact and all, and says to the kids "Your mother and I are going out for a little while" and we drop the kids off. I had no idea what the heck this was about. H wanted to talk? Be alone together? Go for a ride? Exhausted at this point, I just wanted to be alone.
But he was almost manic. I'm not sure. I think he enjoyed the day so much and now he was spinning. He said he really just wanted to get ice cream by the store where I was headed. We hit the ice cream parlor and the store and he went off shopping, like a mad man. It seemed like there was more though. Like maybe he had more to say or maybe it was a test in his mind to see what it would be like if we were alone without the kids. Would it be strained. Would he have any feelings towards me like the "spark" with OW. Or he's desperately trying to get it all in (family time and helping me out) to assuage his guilt before he goes away on Sat? Obviously just conjecture.
He seemed to crash and became very quiet on the ride home. It could've been anything. Just ruminating after knowing the man for so many years. But, then again, he's not the man I married so maybe he just had gas.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
Looking back at my post describing yesterday, when H and were hanging out and talking about the upcoming schedule, I remembered I jokingly said I really need a personal assistant. H looked at me and said "Is that what I was to you? A personal assistant?" Eyes glossy.
I was stunned for a moment. Felt like this was such a telling statement. Looked at him and said "no, never" & he immediately brushed it off, closed down. No discussion was going to happen. I think I missed a big opportunity for validation.
Plus, I can't figure out if it's telling about our previous relationship and how he feels I treated him or if it was more along the lines of "I can just be replaced by a personal assistant."
And then this morning, I walked into the bedroom and accidentally stumbled upon H putting on his clothes. It was still dark and I immediately averted my eyes & didn't see a thing & walked out. It felt so weird. I mean, the guy sleeps naked in the same bed (albeit with covers tucked around him) and we've seen everything there is to see after being together for so long...
Anyway, afterwards, I told him I'm not walking on eggshells around him-just wanted to respect his privacy/boundaries and he looks me dead in the eyes and says "I don't want any privacy" Emphasis on any and pulls me into a hug. He says "Please don't walk on eggshells around me."
Obviously this is weighing on my mind. Should I ignore these interactions/put them out of my mind?
Mutatio, JulieH, Ginger I'll write more later about my living sitch and trying to find local support. For now, this forum is the bulk of my support system and I'm eternally grateful.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
Lost - I just wanted to tell you that Im still reading and following along. Im glad that you seem to be personally doing better. Just try to keep your expectations minimized. There is no way to understand why his actions and words may be a little different. Just keep focusing on your part of it. Thats what really matters right now.
falling down again. was doing ok, felt like I was accomplishing things and enjoying the beautiful weather and now, after one stupid phone call from H, I'm sitting here crying. oh dammit.
I HATE he chose to do this and dump this on me. I wish he never told me.
I need constant reminders.
no expectations no expectations no expectations detach detach detach detach
How many times do I have to be told? When will I get it?
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
Lost - I just wanted to tell you that Im still reading and following along. Im glad that you seem to be personally doing better. Just try to keep your expectations minimized. There is no way to understand why his actions and words may be a little different. Just keep focusing on your part of it. Thats what really matters right now.
TY I'm so glad you're out there. You, your strength, your insight are such a blessing.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
Looking for that bit of support again. Thoughts of H leaving on Sat. plague me today. It's not as if there was a decision made and he's moving out to live with OW, but at the same time, it feels like that's exactly what is happening.
When he's here, in my heart, I feel as if we can get through this. I think he'd be forced to end the A. He has no way to be with her. And we could work on our M. Supposedly he's willing to do that.
Denial? Because they could still continue a virtual A?
I'm supposed to let him go. He's on his own journey. But I can't wrap my head and heart around how to talk to him/see him via Skype and not be overwhelmed with doubts/questions of what he's doing. How can I trust anything he says? Then I think I can't very well completely ignore him while he's away either.
I'm so fearful he'll come back to us in December, nothing will have changed and, in his mind, he'll live with us briefly before returning again. As if he's be visiting distant relatives on a layover. And I'll still be trapped in this limbo hell while he treats me like a roommate and carries on his double life.
When do I set boundaries? After he returns? I don't think I want him to stay with us if he's even further entrenched in his A.
Or am I thinking too far ahead? I don't want to ruin Christmas for the kids, but I don't know I can keep up this charade of upbeat PMA and friendly neighbor if he comes back telling me how he can't give up his new love.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
I'm dying to ask him questions and talk. No R talk before H leaves, right?
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
I'm dying to ask him questions and talk. No R talk before H leaves, right?
Theres no point to having the conversation, because what he SAYS and what he DOES are likely not going to be the same.
Lets say he says "I love you, I only want to be with you." Is that going to stop you from suspecting OW while he's gone? Is that going to stop you from asking about OW later? Is that going to cement what he feels or doesnt feel about OW in a month?
As Mutatio said, theres no outcome of this conversation that will change anything. The only other thing that could happen is that he could say things that hurt you.
Lets say you dont know if the stove is on or off. Would you check it by touching the burner?
Looking for that bit of support again. Thoughts of H leaving on Sat. plague me today. It's not as if there was a decision made and he's moving out to live with OW, but at the same time, it feels like that's exactly what is happening.
When he's here, in my heart, I feel as if we can get through this. I think he'd be forced to end the A. You THINK? Youd keep him with the A ongoing...? He has no way to be with her. And we could work on our M. To add, theres really no way to work on a two person relationship when there is a third person involved. The math just doesnt work. So, I think until hes ready to commit 100%, there really is nothing to "work on" Supposedly he's willing to do that. You need to SEE that. Not HEAR that. Ive seen that maybe he's being nice, but I havent seen anything that would suggest that is ready to make this step.
Denial? Because they could still continue a virtual A?
I'm supposed to let him go. He's on his own journey. But I can't wrap my head and heart around how to talk to him/see him via Skype and not be overwhelmed with doubts/questions of what he's doing. How can I trust anything he says? You cant. Then I think I can't very well completely ignore him while he's away either. You dont need to ignore him. But you dont need to pour your heart out to him either. Chat for a few minutes. Keep him updated on the kids and houses, and be done with it.
I'm so fearful he'll come back to us in December, nothing will have changed and, in his mind, he'll live with us briefly before returning again. As if he's be visiting distant relatives on a layover. And I'll still be trapped in this limbo hell while he treats me like a roommate and carries on his double life. Thats kind of up to you to decide. Yes, its a hell. But if he gets to do whatever he wants, then he will continue it. Who wouldnt want a wife to take care of the kids and the house and everything while they get to skitter off to chat with an AP about Lord only knows what and play house overseas or whatever. At some point, you will likely need to put a boundary around you so that he doesnt get to just come and go like that.
When do I set boundaries? After he returns? I don't think I want him to stay with us if he's even further entrenched in his A. I think I wouldnt do that now. I think it will come across as vindictive putting something out there a couple days before leaving. But you might see how things go while he's away, and do it upon his return or shortly before. Thats just my idea though.
Or am I thinking too far ahead? I don't want to ruin Christmas for the kids, but I don't know I can keep up this charade of upbeat PMA and friendly neighbor if he comes back telling me how he can't give up his new love. In general, I think youre thinking too far ahead. But I wouldnt worry about 'ruining Christmas'. If its not this one, it will be the next one. There will always be family stuff that gets missed. Divorce changes things for everyone.
Me time! wow