I can really identify with that limbo feeling. There's a sense that he's checked out, but hasn't bothered to tell me because there's financial and practical benefits that suit him, and if I leave him alone, it suits him even better.
But I've really been examining myself today - Sotto's post gave me loads of food for thought.
I think if I really gave voice to my feelings it would look like a toddler having a temper tantrum. I would be throwing things around and saying, 'why don't you hug me and kiss me and take care of me? Why don't you initiate sex with me? Why don't you give me compliments and tell me how wonderful I am and how happy you are that I am in your life. I DESERVE those things. You OWE me.'
Now I am not saying I behave like that - but deep down, that is what I think. And it's massively unattractive to me (never mind how he feels about it - I DON'T LIKE IT!)
And the truth is - he is and I am in an impossible decision because in addition, I don't want any of those things because he thinks he 'owes' me. I want him to give them freely from a place of love. And the fact is, that isn't happening.
Which means all I can do is stand back and work on myself and wait to see what happens. And try to figure out a way to comfort that screaming toddler on my own.
To grow up, in other words.
I am not sure how to go about doing that yet. But I think I have to do it, whatever the future holds for me and and him.
