I've had a good day. A meeting for a project which went much better than I thought it would. Also telephoned a couple of estate agents who will come round to value the house later this week. All positive.
Had some time on the train today to read DR and reflect a bit in my journal. I am SO TIRED of this. Tired of myself, more than him.
I'm being warm and cordial and showing appreciation. I guess when I get out of the way and stop chasing him it forces both of us to see how cool the relationship is. If he wants to talk, or to woo me (!!!) he's going to have to come to the party. If he wants to but he resents me, or he's angry, or scared, or something else, me staying out of the way means he's got to wrestle with that on his own, without me rescuing him and removing the pressure by swooping in and chasing him.
But mainly, this isn't for him, it is for me. If I really think he's just with me for the pay cheque, what am I still doing here? If I really want to be 'chosen' - then why have I been doing all the running?
I feel calm and centred today. I have a lot to think about. More of this is to do with me, what I want and what my boundaries are.
I can see he's noticed there's a change in me. He's being very ginger - as if he thinks I am angry with him, or he expects that I will be angry because it's been weeks since we did anything together and I'd normally be chasing him now. This is a 180 and I think it's confusing him. If I stay calm and cordial he can't tell himself that I'm angry or sulking or unpleasant and that is why he's avoiding me.
Anyway - just journaling for now.
Do you think it is a good idea for me to tell him I am considering a separation once we get the house sold? It could be months and months away, it could happen in six weeks (unlikely but possible).
Part of me thinks - he's here. He knows the state the relationship is in. If he wanted an R talk, he'd initiate one. Part of me thinks it is unfair to give myself these mental deadlines without including him on that. Part of me thinks that if I said to him, 'I'm thinking of leaving, things need to change,' it would be a way of trying to control his behaviour. I am totally done with controlling him. I want him to choose me freely because he wants me. For that to happen, I feel like I have to let him go totally and get out of the way.
