Sparker thank you for your viewpoint. Maybe I don't see the forest for the trees. I know I have posted good signs in the past but in general I feel thinks are not progressing and may really be slipping. I will try take a step back and reread my threads, to see what I nay be forgetting.
As for my deadline. This was never really a deadline, more so a landmark for which I aimed to hold myself together until. I don't want to put a deadline on our M, but I know eventually with no real improvement I will need to choose if I can keep living like this.
Maybe my W also had same deadline as eher behaviour changed at that time.
I have questioned myself about my need to snoop. . It does take my focus off where I want it to be. But I suppose I do it to know what going on, and specifically what way I go forward. Finding something is not necessarily a deal breaker but it definetely changes the game. ww is not same as waw. I am thinking hard about my snooping and the benefits compared to to downside.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I will always take whatever you say with the fact that you take the time to write only stuff to help me or to give your honest view of things. I welcome that and won't defend against it.
z, I don't think that you believe that a W just being fed up with H and a W in EA/PA are same thing. I have set a no R boundary and will follow up on that if crossed.
Even if he is just a good friend, who is not pro marriage, that alone slows any possible progress. If more that prevents any progress.
What can I do about that? Maybe try bust it and expose it. But mainly I can let W face the reality of her choice. She will have to figure out her plan B and all that entails. But mainly I will create a situation where we both have the freedom to move forward. Limbo will be broken.
I believe she will not be happier without me. She will probably realise the grass isn't greener. That does not guarantee she will come back to me, or if she does if it will happen before it too late. I am really tempted to go down that route to try lift her fog and show her what she is losing.
As for my giving up, I guess I am mostly on about giving up the current situation. I am trying to change the situation and the dynamics, but not sure I will.
But to get back to your other point. No I am still not thebestme possible. I am better but not there yet. Hence my goals.
As for the wedding, I have contacted others that may be going and have improved my options. I always intended to do what I wanted, but hadn't fully decided what that was. That alone is a few of my goals combined achieved. Now I've to go focus on work!
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
z, I don't think that you believe that a W just being fed up with H and a W in EA/PA are same thing. I have set a no R boundary and will follow up on that if crossed.
Yes, you are correct, that was not the intent of the comment. My basic meaning was that YOUR path is the same...set boundaries, protect you and your children and focus on you.
What can I do about that? Maybe try bust it and expose it. But mainly I can let W face the reality of her choice. She will have to figure out her plan B and all that entails. But mainly I will create a situation where we both have the freedom to move forward. Limbo will be broken.
I believe she will not be happier without me. She will probably realise the grass isn't greener. That does not guarantee she will come back to me, or if she does if it will happen before it too late. I am really tempted to go down that route to try lift her fog and show her what she is losing.
You have to do what you think is right here. I will not try to convince you otherwise. as for me, I do not believe that breaking the limbo would be in my best interest personally or financially or in the interest of my children right now. That is me though and you have to evaluate where you think things would end up for your family.
I have thought many times, what if I write a letter or say 'X' or whatever to break this situation down or move it off of center...I feel that things will definitely change and honestly I have no idea HOW THAT would turn out, better or worse or JUST THE SAME NOW, just in different houses. The biggest issue is we JUST DON"T KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON IN OUR WIVES HEAD RIGHT NOW. I just know that I would still have a lot of work to do on me regardless, and it would certainly mean separation or divorce in the mean time. would that space be beneficial to her and to me, it sure could.
why not just take some space for yourself RIGHT NOW, and just do $hit away from the house. Your list of goals and GAL is great...I really hope you will follow through with them! that will help with all of this. you will be working on you AND giving your wife the space she absolutely needs right now...that is not mind reading it is as close to an absolute that I have...she needs space from you right now. Break all of the DB principals down and basically that is what you get...give your spouse the space and regard for them to make their own choices (learning to give up control of her and her life) and for you to work on you and become a better, more complete man. (that is just how I see it of course, others opinions may vary).
Sorry for the long posting again. I know you are at work. I wish you the best...from the bottom of my heart, I do. I will have a beer for you this weekend!
Z us mortals sometimes need to write a lot to get out what we want to say. Others like cadet can do it shorter. Speaking of cadet, maybe you should ask him to remove your real name from your post above (overcautios maybe but hey after matt). I too esp on your thread almost sign off as I would emails or texts with real name. I guess virtual incognito friendships can be real!
I hear you. I agree with you. I can live with either outcome but accept that the only one I can decide is to end it. That is not what I want so I pick myself up again and keep going. Eventually I may have to decide otherwise. But not today.
My GAL activities and goals listed above are all things I intend to do. With the exception of camping that is weather dependent and may clash with other stuff, I intend to do everything. But with no stress about it. If I can't I can't. I will review list regularly and renew goals. I hope to go deeper on working on me, so I have great intentions. For me this is really getting my life back....... not just getting busy.
Regarding my goals, this week I have: Tidied my desk.... one small pile of papers to file. I have looked up options for wedding. I have contacted some distant friends I went mountain biking after work with some guys from the area last night. Earlier in the summer I tried to get people to go with from time to time. 2Ell now I inadvertently have set up a group of guys who want to ride regularly, so that is cool Due to W new job I get to bring boys to school every morning. That is cool.. Wednesday we crossed three neighbours and although no date set have agreed to have a drink with each of them soon. One of them we don't really know, as relatively new to area. A few weeks back I got chatting to him, which surprised W as she barely gets a hello. Wednseday he stopped to chat and asked us to go for a drink someday. I have also contacted an old colleague from work and we will meet up later in the month. I have not snooped in two days (today is day 3). I will make an effort to keep that up but it is not an absolute goal yet. I have a multi sport raid this weekend. Am not as fit as I would like to be but should be good. I am looking into my tiredness, and medically I am OK so it is stess related according to doctor. I sleep better but don't wake up refreshed. Sleep could be better still, but will relook at that later in the month.
Plan to paint cabin this weekend too. I have not been super focused at work but am easing back into it. I have spent more time here than planned. I had stuff to get off my chest. Plus it felt good to reach out to others. I liked supporting and trying to help others. Something I may look into for a future GAL activity ESP if separate. And I spoke with IC
Not a bad start, even if I do say so myself. Let's see what kind of a life I can get........
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Z us mortals sometimes need to write a lot to get out what we want to say. Others like cadet can do it shorter. Speaking of cadet, maybe you should ask him to remove your real name from your post above (overcautios maybe but hey after matt). I too esp on your thread almost sign off as I would emails or texts with real name. I guess virtual incognito friendships can be real!
I hear you. I agree with you. I can live with either outcome but accept that the only one I can decide is to end it. That is not what I want so I pick myself up again and keep going. Eventually I may have to decide otherwise. But not today.
My GAL activities and goals listed above are all things I intend to do. With the exception of camping that is weather dependent and may clash with other stuff, I intend to do everything. But with no stress about it. If I can't I can't. I will review list regularly and renew goals. I hope to go deeper on working on me, so I have great intentions. For me this is really getting my life back....... not just getting busy.
Regarding my goals, this week I have: Tidied my desk.... one small pile of papers to file. I have looked up options for wedding. I have contacted some distant friends I went mountain biking after work with some guys from the area last night. Earlier in the summer I tried to get people to go with from time to time. 2Ell now I inadvertently have set up a group of guys who want to ride regularly, so that is cool Due to W new job I get to bring boys to school every morning. That is cool.. Wednesday we crossed three neighbours and although no date set have agreed to have a drink with each of them soon. One of them we don't really know, as relatively new to area. A few weeks back I got chatting to him, which surprised W as she barely gets a hello. Wednseday he stopped to chat and asked us to go for a drink someday. I have also contacted an old colleague from work and we will meet up later in the month. I have not snooped in two days (today is day 3). I will make an effort to keep that up but it is not an absolute goal yet. I have a multi sport raid this weekend. Am not as fit as I would like to be but should be good. I am looking into my tiredness, and medically I am OK so it is stess related according to doctor. I sleep better but don't wake up refreshed. Sleep could be better still, but will relook at that later in the month.
Plan to paint cabin this weekend too. I have not been super focused at work but am easing back into it. I have spent more time here than planned. I had stuff to get off my chest. Plus it felt good to reach out to others. I liked supporting and trying to help others. Something I may look into for a future GAL activity ESP if separate. And I spoke with IC
Not a bad start, even if I do say so myself. Let's see what kind of a life I can get........
Roiste - Thanks for posting in my thread. This all looks really good. Id advise you to line up your accomplishments with your goals to see where you are succeeding and where you still have gaps. That can give you some focus going forward into the next few weeks.
Ill spend some time at some point going back through your threads to really understand your situation. As far as I can tell, you are still together with no BD, but you are sensing some distance. You many read the thread from SpinningJenny - shes been doing a lot of work in setting goals on how to try to re-engage her H still living at home with no BD. While your goals are good and focused on you, I think you may want to consider how you interact with your W, and see if there may be some subtle changes you can make that may change her responses to you.
Thanks Azzork. I will read up on spinning jenny. Thanks for hint.
I'll look forward to hearing your view after you have had time to look back through my threads.
My goals and focus is mainly on me as after almost a year I am not seeing much progress on us. So I am really trying to get a life in place. Control the controllable! I am progressing nicely on most of my goals and will review that in a few weeks and modify going forward for next month.
I am mindful of interactions and stick to 180s implemented as well as little tweaks as viewed potentially helpful.
We'll talk later when you have had the time. No hurry, I'm not going anywhere fast!
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Thanks for popping into my thread, and thanks Azzork for putting us together. I can't believe how much in common we've got in our feelings about what is going on right now.
In terms of responses - I think both of our situations are tricky because they don't exactly fit the model. We're not really LBS and we constantly wonder whether the BD is something we should do.
BUT I have to say I have found the idea of setting goals and working on myself and detaching from DH very useful. I am a total beginner so this isn't advice, but just something to share. I've been asking myself a question recently. Which is: what is it about me, my history and my self esteem that makes me settle for so little from an intimate partner? What is it about me that makes me give so little, or give only with a guarantee of return? I don't have the answers yet, and maybe these aren't the right questions for you to be asking. But I know finding these questions and devoting some thought to them has made me feel much calmer and more in control of myself, and much happier about the FACT that I am not in control of my DH.
Anyway - hope this is useful. Let me know what you think.
Thanks jenny, for me I am not settling for THIS. I am putting up with it and not easily at times. Why.. ..... because it is not me that wants out. I want this situation to end/change. I am trying that with little progress but no deterioration either. Just the longer it goes on the harder it is to hope/bear.
Advice varies, esp on internet, but many think that chances are better without separation. I believe this is also best for my kids.I also realise this may slow progress. It has taken a long time to get here, so it is normal that it can't change instantly. The flip side is that this limbo can go on for years and I believe that eventually I will have to let W know that this is nit how I want to live much longer. I have been trying to save our M since last Oct and believe it was a key cause of my depression before that. I am tired.
In the meantime I am trying to build a real life that will serve me later, esp if we split. Be prepared as they say in the boyscouts!
As for labels,i do feel like I am a LBS with a WAW.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Hey roiste, I didn't get a good chance to say thank you as always for taking time out yesterday to help me sort myself out a bit.
The urge to confreont your wife, those definitely come and go. Past couple of says has been overwhelming and difficult.
We just need to set little milestones to get to. And reevaluate. I know that has helped me get through rough patches where I wanted to yell or tell wife how I feel about what is going on.
I wish you the best of much...today is a new day, albeit an early one.
