as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 4)

[asitis]

My W is an intellectual peer. That is part of what attracted us to each other. She has insights, but she really seems to be struggling with the fog of giving me too much power and credit for her issues, and an unwillingness to do the hard work necessary to turn the pain & suffering into depth & growth.

Those two are interrelated, as it is really hard to recognize the need for hard work on oneself when you are still blaming another for much of your pain & suffering. I wish I could say that I feel nothing but compassion for her struggles, but I'm not always that good. It still pains me to see how she is rationalizing not making the real effort to repair things for the sake of our kids. I know she & her IC are doing the it is better for kids to not stay w/ a loveless M, but it is a loveless M in large part because they've rationalized the easy way out.

I can't say any of this to her, as she is afraid of me using my intellect to convince her that her needs and wants are not legitimate (she claims that I did this all the time in the past - which I'm sure is in large part true), but it makes it impossible when you actually have something compelling to bring it up. Even if you try to carefully couch it in understanding and do lots of listening and validating, it will take a while yet (if ever) for her to move beyond that block. And, in these sitch'es, we know that you can't use arguments to win the day.

Sad & frustrating, as you all know more than well enough.