Flailing

[Lost08]

I have so much I need to sort out. Forgive all the details. May need several posts today

First the good things - I have the day off!!!!!! And no one knows!!! LOL Of course, I would rather have company, someone to lunch with or have coffee with, but the time off is just so nice I want to sit around and do nothing!

Also, since H was still here yesterday, he took S out to look for new sneakers. I took advantage, asked him to drop me off near a bagel shop, bought myself a breakfast sandwich and went off to eat it on the beach by myself! Me time! wow

It was nice for a little while. Then a woman came and sat next to me and started talking and talking and talking. Telling me about her son who is getting divorced and her daughter who's a single mom and I revealed some things about me sitch and of course, started crying and feeling helpless and had to listen to this stranger tell me how hard D is on kids and not to worry -I'll meet someone else, someone nice when I get rid of H, but how hard it is when you're older and a woman to meet people and date, especially when you have kids .... on and on and on. There went my moment of peace. I needed to escape her!

I went down by the water and walked in and out of the waves. It truly was a spectacular day. If only I had my suit on instead of a dress I would have run into the water.

Then thoughts of H. ugh. Had to concentrate on redirecting my thoughts.

H never called or texted when he returned to the apt. But H and S did show up at the beach after a little while. D stayed behind in apt. supposedly work on homework.

A little awkward at first. Maybe more on my part. Wasn't sure I wanted to see him. But of course, I did really want to see him. Just wanted it to be like a fantasy and have him come up and grab me and kiss me like he used to - oh, well.

Anyway, they were playing football and I was going to leave and S says, "Where are you going? Can you wait (to go back)? I want you to be here" Can you picture the tugs on my heartstrings? And H says, "Well, you can't say no to that!"

So, of course I hang around, can't resist jumping in and teasing my son and playing a little football-monkey in the middle with them.

And the rest of the day was more fun family time. H went back and took a nap, I took S back to the beach and then we decided to go for a run together. When we stopped by the apt. to change into running gear, H was finishing a slice of pizza and tells us he was just about to come down to the beach to be with us.

We tell him we're running and off we go. H watched us for a while - I know this b/c he told us when we returned and poked fun at me for S beating me. Lol
Mind you, S is 12 and so darned fast compared to my little old self, it would be funny if my ego wasn't so bruised! He's such a little bugger. We run a few miles and it's like nothing to him, not even a sweat. And here I am, all red-faced, sweating, huffing and puffing. While he just grins at me! stinker. <3

Kids go off in their rooms, H and I hang out. I mention I'm going to do the dishes and have a ton of bills to pay and H says "Why don't I do the dishes while you do the bills?" Okaaay.
Then, he stands near me while I'm working on HIS major travel bill from this last trip out of country and he's rubbing my back!?!?

I mean, ok, TBH, if I wasn't trying so hard to not show my feelings, I would have been purring. But why is he touching me now? It's like a fresh little torture for me. A friendly, platonic thing for him? idk. I tried to employ THOUGHT STOPPING/NO EXPECTATIONS and just enjoy it.

An hour or two later, we all went out to dinner together and it was just sooo nice. Food was good. We all laughed and talked, kids included. Crap. I loved it. That was what I was thinking. I love this. I love him. SH** SH** He's saying things to the kids about future plans, saying "Me and mommy," making a comment to D about me being his wife and I'll always come first and he'll always give me everything - it was just part of their convo & I don't think he realized the impact those words could have on me, the hope I'm pushing away...

And, I had a drink. Just one, but it's always enough for me to loosen up a little and be more physical than usual. Had to reign it in and not reach out and touch. I did a good job of that.

THEN, I had to run out to the store on the mainland for some last minute things the kids remembered they needed for school and H looks at me, eye contact and all, and says to the kids "Your mother and I are going out for a little while" and we drop the kids off. I had no idea what the heck this was about. H wanted to talk? Be alone together? Go for a ride? Exhausted at this point, I just wanted to be alone.

But he was almost manic. I'm not sure. I think he enjoyed the day so much and now he was spinning. He said he really just wanted to get ice cream by the store where I was headed. We hit the ice cream parlor and the store and he went off shopping, like a mad man. It seemed like there was more though. Like maybe he had more to say or maybe it was a test in his mind to see what it would be like if we were alone without the kids. Would it be strained. Would he have any feelings towards me like the "spark" with OW. Or he's desperately trying to get it all in (family time and helping me out) to assuage his guilt before he goes away on Sat? Obviously just conjecture.

He seemed to crash and became very quiet on the ride home. It could've been anything. Just ruminating after knowing the man for so many years. But, then again, he's not the man I married so maybe he just had gas.