Wait........let me get this straight. She is still involved with OM? Did she first deny there was someone else and then admit to an A?
If questions about the A is going to drive you crazy, then ask. In most cases, I think the W will not tell the complete truth. For example, she may say they only went as far as kissing, when in reality they had sex. I have even seen stories where there was evidence of a couple spending the night in a hotel, and the W told the H they only kissed.
So, whether you'll get the truth is anyone's guess. Frankly, I believe you need to approach her as if you are the one who will decide if you want to continue a relationship with a cheater. I mean, you don't need to walk in as if you are her judge, but neither go in acting as if you are begging her to give you another chance to make her happy. That right there is where so many H's mess up. However, I doubt she gives you much of a choice. In fact, this little get away she's taking is probably a meetup with OM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Wait........let me get this straight. She is still involved with OM? Did she first deny there was someone else and then admit to an A?
No she isn't involved with OM and she hasn't denied A it was when she wanted her own time I asked if there was someone else she said no and then I asked if there had been that's when she admitted the A(this was done in front of our kids)
If questions about the A is going to drive you crazy, then ask. In most cases, I think the W will not tell the complete truth. For example, she may say they only went as far as kissing, when in reality they had sex. I have even seen stories where there was evidence of a couple spending the night in a hotel, and the W told the H they only kissed.
She says she only had sex but no connection or emotions.
So, whether you'll get the truth is anyone's guess. Frankly, I believe you need to approach her as if you are the one who will decide if you want to continue a relationship with a cheater. I mean, you don't need to walk in as if you are her judge, but neither go in acting as if you are begging her to give you another chance to make her happy. That right there is where so many H's mess up. However, I doubt she gives you much of a choice. In fact, this little get away she's taking is probably a meetup with OM.
No firmly believe there is no OM.
What questions should I be asking when I see her later today?
An EA/PA is as real an addiction as a drug addiction or any other. She will lie, cover up, and hide it. She may tell you she is done with the utmost of sincerity, only to go back on her commitment out of weakness and neediness. She will blame you for her needing EA/PA. She will manipulate you like you've never been manipulated before. She will learn how to keep you strung along to avoid any consequences of her decisions.
There is nothing you can do to get her to stop. However enabling her behavior will only pour fuel on the fire.
Based on your opening statement "WAW is in an A, I want her back" it is clear you are not ready for this. The way you're talking you're going to get kicked hard in the teeth for months, taken advantage of, horrified repeatedly that your loving W would do such things, etc. You don't seem ready to accept she is destructive.
I know someone who's adult son is a complete criminal. Stealing money from his grandmother at christmas dinner when he was a guest, stealing things and selling them, and much, much more. His mom refuses to accept the truth. She just keeps saying "I don't know that for sure", and "I might have just misplaced that", etc. We're talking lap top computers!
No one is easier to be convinced of a lie than someone that wants desperately to believe it.
I think you need to follow Sandi's advice, use your head and not your co-dependent heart, protect yourself against this person, and don't allow her to get back in unless her actions convince the DB forums that she is serious. But it sounds like you're going to have to learn this the hard way. I say that because having "talks" with your WAW is about the biggest waste of time in the world. You'll spend hours and hours trying to interpret every word, twisting what she says, trying to find hope in the middle, and taking the fact that she does still have some feelings for you (which is true) to give you hope that she is close to ready to recommitting to you (which is not).
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I'll second Zues on this. My W continued to lie about her EA/PA, minimizing and manipulating every chance she had. I believe she sincerely tried to end the A once, but ended up getting sucked back in. She is still addicted and will stay that way until reality smacks her in the face.
Women in this scenario will continue in limbo indefinitely until you draw a boundary, thereby removing yourself from the crossfire. You cannot talk her out of anything or change her mind. You must protect yourself and you must determine what you are personally prepared to tolerate.
Sandi will continually tell you that this is not the woman you married. It really isn't. Right now, she is someone else. Thinking about her in that light may help you detach. We'll stick with you Mr Me. Wishing you well.
Me:29 W:27 M: 4 years T: 5 years No children S: 7/7/15 EA: 7/7/15 BD/"I'm done": 7/15/15 MC: 7/7/15-8/21/15 (failed) PA: 8/29/15 W Files for D: 9/9/15 D will finalize in 60 days
Yikes. Think I might have messed up after reading the posts.
We walked the dogs together and wants to come home albeit in the spare room for a while. I said I'd think on it I lasted 1.5 hours before I agreed.....
However I did ask why and she gave good answers and not just for the kids sake.
You don't want to be known as a man that goes back on his word, however I would issue a word of caution. Letting her return to the home without confirming that the affair is over will be a costly mistake, both in terms of your self-respect, and overall timeline of reconciliation (if possibility exists). Women in affairs cannot be trusted. Ever. Regardless of how good their answers are. They know how to manipulate to get what they want.
Me:29 W:27 M: 4 years T: 5 years No children S: 7/7/15 EA: 7/7/15 BD/"I'm done": 7/15/15 MC: 7/7/15-8/21/15 (failed) PA: 8/29/15 W Files for D: 9/9/15 D will finalize in 60 days
