Maybell XXXVI: Moving Day

[Maybell]

Maybe this is part of the healing process, but here's one other thing I want to get off my chest:

A lot of people have been asking when will I be ready to look for another relationship? I'm in a place where I'm really happy to be by myself (one really cute guy said in shock, "you mean NO guy?!?") although it would be nice to meet someone I liked just to do stuff with.

I looked at that deeper today and it feels like it comes from feeling still so betrayed and angry that Mr. Fantastic just walked out on us so he could cruise bars and Tinder and play Xbox and watch porn. I'm so skeptical that anyone could find me lovable enough to be worth committing to.

My parents were up last week and terrifically helpful with the house. But my mom was screaming at me one afternoon because I didn't call more regularly while I was in the depths of all of this. She said I'd treated her horribly because I didn't call to let her know I was ok, so she was really careful to call and only talk to me for three minutes. When I tried to talk through everything with her she just got more and more defensive and angry and finally just shut me down. And so I don't have any idea how to communicate with her.

I understand I have to take her for who she is and I do try to do that. But between the way my marriage worked out, what happened with my therapist, the bullying I'm taking from my boss, and my mom's dysfunctions, I really struggle with my sense of self-worth. It's a daily struggle to remember that those relationships are not the final word on my value as a person.

I'm quite sure someone (most of you) will say it's time to find a new therapist. I can't help but feel unwilling to make myself vulnerable and available for one more person to blatantly use me for their own purposes.

I see now that this fear that I'm not truly lovable is also at the heart of my fear that the kids will love their Disney dad more than they love me. I already knew it was the center of my disinterest in seeking out another relationship. (That and I want to enjoy being my own captain for a good long while). I'm not sure if I'm asking for answers so much as just process my feelings in a place where getting them out might help me heal.