I am currently separated from my wife of 17 1/2 years who left a year ago to move in with her parents. She said “this marriage is over.” She wavered for a while afterward and I was told by one of my kids that she cried for days after she left, but now says she absolutely sure does not want to reconcile.
We tried marriage counseling for a couple months and my WAS committed to the MC that she would give it 6 months per the request of the MC. We were meeting individually weekly and then together every two weeks. After two months of her not even making an attempt to reconcile, she quit and said " I need to find out who I am."
I tried talking with her after that and did everything the experts say not to do (begging, convincing, reminding her of all the good times, etc.) Even after I read and was told not to, I still desperately tried (and failed).
She had retained an attorney the day after she left me and then filed for legal separation the next month after she had told the MC she would wait until our next meeting together.
A few months later we were in court on a day that just happened to be our 17th anniversary and she revealed that she was changing her filing to dissolution. I was absolutely devastated, as she kept going back and forth and telling me she didn't know what would happen in the future.
Here is a little background on her:
She is 43 years old and has lived with her parents 6 times since she turned 18. She has all the traits of someone with Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder (PAPD)and also has a an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with her parents. She has left me three times during our marriage and always runs to them. They blame me for everything that happens and deny that their daughter has any mental health issues. This is her second marriage.
To my knowledge, she has not been officially diagnosed with PAPD and the therapist she is seeing says it is not an issue, but I have lived with her for nearly two decades and I am absolutely sure. I have had two clinicians (both of whom have met with her) suggest to me that it is BPD. I am quite familiar with BPD, as I have been studying it for more than 20 years. Regardless, there are issues she needs to work on, but will not and will never accept responsibility for anything. I have caught myself apologizing for things that are not my fault in order to smooth things over.
A few weeks ago she was pleasant with me and said when I asked, that she might consider holding off on the divorce, as it has not yet been entered into judgment. I told her since we are legally separated, we are basically divorced now anyway, so there is no rush. A couple weeks later, she told me she definitely wants a divorce. She said “we can get the kids into counseling, but we are not doing family counseling.” She said “you abused me”. I told her she abused me. She seemed to think that was ridiculous, but it is true. I have not always been perfect, but many times, I have been sucked into her “crazy-making” behavior and exhibited what is known as “mutual projection”. Sometimes she has treated me very well and seemed like she was head over heels in love with me and my best friend, but I can also say that she has treated me worse than any human I have ever met. Now she says "I need to move on with my life" She claimed I abused her because two years ago, she overheard me saying that she is an attention wh*re." I apologized for it at the time and it that is nothing compared to the things she has called me.
As mentioned above, she is living with her parents. Her parents have frequently interfered with our marriage and blamed everything that has ever happened between us on me and have also suggested that I verbally abused her even though I know that she was verbally abused by them when she was growing up.
She says she is happy now. She says she is going to get her own place, but most likely never will, as her parents don’t really want her to and she is too scared to be on her own. She never has been, as she was married at 18 (I am her second husband). She thinks her parents are the greatest people in the world (or at least she is trying to convince herself of that). If anyone here has read Negative Love Syndrome by Bob Hoffman, you know what is going on here. She is now getting the approval she always wanted from them and is now “happy” because of it. That is my theory anyway.
The problem is, since her parents blame everyone else for everything and have said to me “we know she has difficulty regulating her moods, but we don’t think she is mentally ill”, there is no way she is going to get the help she needs. She knows I have thought in the past that she may be a borderline and it infuriates her that I think that. I must mention that my 24 year old daughter’s mother, to whom I was never married, is a borderline and my wife hates her. She doesn’t like being put in the same category with my ex. She and her family seem to think they are above having any issues and that it is always someone else that is the problem. My wife is currently in counseling, but I am not sure it is going to help unless she is honest with herself and her parents stay out of it, which is unlikely, as they involve themselves in everyone’s business and don’t allow anyone to make their own decisions.
I am the only one who really wants to help her, but she doesn’t see it. I really do care about my wife and want to keep the family together but she really does not care and is in denial about what it is doing to the kids.
Also, her 20 year old son moved back in with me three weeks after my wife left. He said he was tired of being used and that the environment was too toxic over there. When he deiced to move back in with me, my wife’s parents absolutely let him have it. Her father told him he had betrayed that side of the family. Since then, he has tried to help her by telling her she has a mental illness and told her if she didn’t stop being selfish and treating people poorly, she would not be invited to his wedding, his graduation or be allowed around his kids. She cussed him out and said “fine” and then left. She went home and told her family that he had disowned her. Now when she comes to pick up the kids, she will not come in if he is here. BTW, he is a very nice young man. He does not drink, do drugs, go to parties, etc., and he and his fiancé plan to remain celibate until they are married. He did not want things to turn out that way, but says he is at peace now and will not have anything to do with her or her family.
With all that said, I want to make it clear that I (like any partner in a marriage) am not blameless, but I have never abused her in any way, nor have I ever cheated on her. I adore her and my entire goal in life was to have a happy family. Mt step-son and many others say “you can do better” and I am sure there are women out there who will treat me well, but I have an unconditional love for my wife and want her to come back (as long as she seeks treatment) and learns to apologize for the things she has done. I have been very distraught over this and have cried every day for the last year.
Just last year a couple weeks before she left, she was talking about retirement and how much we would have and what we were going to do. I questioned our MC about the possibility of a MLC, but she said didn’t think so because she has these personality issues. I think she has always had one foot out the door, but I also think there is a possibility of a MLC.
Any suggestions from anyone on here would be greatly appreciated.
