Thank you, kind sir! I have already realized that his character assassination of me was projection so he could justify his awful behavior. I am a GOOD person: thoughtful, kind, generous, loving, loyal, and love to laugh. I keep reminding myself of that every time his hateful words start to loop again, and tear me down. The big red stop sign works wonders.
I'm only sure of one thing right now; I need to practice detaching every moment. Some moments are better than others.
This forum has been a Godsend! I've done so much reading, and learned so much.
It has been a wonderfully quiet weekend. He did text me yesterday, and I nicely let him know I needed more time - surprisingly, he's left me alone, but I suspect he's been busy with OW.
Judy, you said that you must start detaching. I would like to share a thought with you that I read here.
The point was that detaching by itself is difficult. It was suggested that successful detaching is a product of GAL. The idea is that by keeping busy and being involved in activities the LBS detaches.
When I read this it made a lot of sense. In the beginning I was saying "just detach" like a mantra. It did not work well. Then I tried GAL detachment. I have had great success detaching by keeping busy. GAL is an important part of the detachment equation for me.
...And what fantastic insight it is! I need to do more. I believe I'll start sewing again, or learn knitting. I'm in an awful financial conundrum at the moment, with him being the sole earner and locking me out of bank accounts. He has always controlled me that way.
Physical health is extremely poor at the moment (heart failure and fibromyalgia) making a job an unlikely prospect. Hurrying the divorce like he wants almost seems like a good idea, if only so I don't have to keep begging for money.
Judy, you said that you must start detaching. I would like to share a thought with you that I read here.
The point was that detaching by itself is difficult. It was suggested that successful detaching is a product of GAL. The idea is that by keeping busy and being involved in activities the LBS detaches.
When I read this it made a lot of sense. In the beginning I was saying "just detach" like a mantra. It did not work well. Then I tried GAL detachment. I have had great success detaching by keeping busy. GAL is an important part of the detachment equation for me.
Just offering that insight to you.
For me, it was a LITTLE bit more than just the GAL.
What has really been the key for me is the realization that I can survive without my W. I was so SCARED of divorce and didn't really understand how I would be able to live without her. I thought I'd be sitting alone in a dark apartment five nights a week. But I've come to realize that I can find things to do, and that other people really enjoy being around me.
So the key for me is this mindset change - though the GAL activities have given me the confidence necessary to make that change.
For me detaching comes in stages, kind of like when you pull a band aid off slowly- you need to tug at it little by little. Sometimes a busy week or two of GAL would help me with detachment, sometimes it was reading somebody else's sitch on this forum- reading about someone else's pain would get me angry on their behalf and then I'd apply those feelings towards my own sitch, sometimes it is hearing H spew things that were just so ridiculous and cruel that I would just naturally detach due to self-preservation.
It does get easier, but I think it will always be an ongoing struggle.
I am seriously terrified of H...I have made the mental leap that he is no longer my friend. He is so emotionally abusive. I finally got him out of the house, which has been a blessing. Tonight he has been burning up my phone with texts regarding my hiring a lawyer. I'm telling him I haven't decided (I have), in order to keep him from coming over and screaming at me in person. He's been threatening me with dire results if I do. We live in a state not known to be an alimony friendly state. It's not like I can hurt him too much. I don't understand why he is trying to control me this way, if he's on his way out. OW must be worried...
I feel your pain. I never thought my H could talk to me and treat me the way he has. Granted, I understand that is how he feels I have treated him for many years. Some of that is true, but I also think there are some underlying issues with himself that are also a major cause of his crisis. The thing you have to remember is that your H is not in his right mind right now. I have heard many instances where once they come out of their fog, depression, or personal crisis that they don't often remember treating their LBS this way. Unfortunately, many Ms end before they come out as the damage has been done. Underneath all of your Hs anger is hurt, pain and anger at himself. As hard as it is, try not to take it personally. I know, easier said than done!
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
