Walkaway Wife - Ended in D

[Zues126]

If there is one thing I've learned from this experience it is this: We cannot change anyone else. We can simply decide who we will allow to share our lives with us.

If WAW changes on her own, regrets her decision, grows as a person in some serious ways, reaches out to you of her own accord, expresses serious remorse, and is earnest in her desire to prove those changes to you and share her life with you in a way that hadn't been experienced before...then you have some things to consider.

The two things you shouldn't do is 1) try to lead her to that conclusion, that is control that won't work and will only leave you vulnerable, or 2) hold your breath.

The sad reality is that many WAS's never do go through this process. Our society is made up with people that think this is an acceptable way to live (or in their minds, the only way to live because they had 'no choice'). This is clearly indicated by her parents as well as her own behavior.

What's even more hard to accept is that many people will learn this, but only years and years down the road, when they are going through the same cycle with someone different. A co-worked just told me the other day "If I knew then what I know now I never would've D'd my first wife." Of course he's remarried now so he's going to use those lessons for M#2. This is tough to stomach, but this is reality.

I'm grateful for my children and couldn't imagine life without them. At the same time, one of the biggest losses imaginable is that I can't share the loving times with my partner. I am in no way diminishing your loss, as what you're going through is devastating beyond belief. But I do agree that you should be very careful about who you decide to start a family with.

I used to be a hiring manager for a sales department. Everyone put their best foot forward in the interview, and at first I wanted to give everyone a chance and give them the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately those that weren't really able to execute in a sales role became negative, unaccountable, and not only did they and the department suffer as a result, they often became a cancer that negatively impacted others that were trying to succeed in their careers. I learned to interview harder, to not be blinded by appearances or cliche answers, but to really probe deeply to try to pick up on patterns on how they handled adversity in their lives, why they have left employers in the past, their motivations, their outlooks, their attitudes, and just in general who they really were underneath.

Trust me when I tell you that I am not prepared to fall blindly in love. A winning smile and some text messages that make me feel gushy and important mean next to nothing to me if it's from someone that conducts their lives like these WAS's do. They will need to demonstrate to me by their beliefs, conduct, and past decisions that they have the tools to be a lifelong committed partner.

I'm not naive enough to think that guarantees anything. If there was a way to guarantee a good M this forum wouldn't exist (Although I have fantasized about a surgical operation that would be implanted in both of our skulls that would cause detonation if either spouse cheated or went over 7 days without making love or having a 30 minute conversation...). But I do believe that with our eyes wide open and basing our decisions on fundamentally sound factors and not hormones we can give ourselves the best opportunity to allow a lasting R.