MLC Funhouse continues

[HaWho]

Hi AJ-You're right. I do feel hostility. Excellent read and passive aggressive on my part. I am proud that I didn't get into the pettiness with him but ultimately hostility did get a hold on me.

It started when he pulled away and I tried to hold on. I don't like that I tried and he pulled away. Another thing that I feel is that things are on H's terms today. He told me he was going to work from 2:00 onwards and he went out for a walk by himself this am. I know he needs all this time for processing, but it is tiring. I think today he was just going through the motions of what a H/father is supposed to do.

So after he left for his walk he called and asked if I needed anything at the store. I know he was reading if I was mad. I said no and chit chatted enough to show I wasn't mad. We hatched a plan with kids. I said, if you're not in the mood you don't need to come. He said he wanted to but again, I think going through the motions. Just before we go to leave he suggests we take two separate cars as we (kids and I) may stay longer than him. I just felt like we were being penciled in so that he could check the "I'm a good dad/H" square.

I get there with the kids and I do feel hostile. I just feel the day is on his terms. I think he reads my hostility. In fact I am sure he does. He stays for about a half hour. Then says he is bored and "just wants to work." Makes up another lame excuse. Off he goes and it is a self fulfilling prophesy-he just checked us off his to-do list.

Meanwhile all around me are families. Family men who look so normal. And these are just the kind of moments where I think how is he/are we going to pull out of this?

Now I realize I am spinning too. I want to be married to an adult not a man/child.

And by being hostile I kind of feel like I wasn't able to keep myself out of his equation. In a normal situation I would try to talk through this. But w/H I am worried this would scare him down a tunnel deeper than a black hole.

So do I just try to let it go? Just chalk it up to normal spinning? Or is this a time I try to talk to him? I am so confused about what this is/what to do?

If I talk to him I think I would ask questions: tell, explain describe questions. They would start with: why did you pull away today? I don't even know how to get to the bottom of this.