I'm new to the forum but have been lurking for a few weeks. Let me share my story.
In early July, my W of 4 years moved out to live with her parents after I discovered her EA. I tried the begging and pleading stage but that was all very brief, less than a week. I found the DB and DR books soon after and read them. Began doing 180s and so forth. The W agreed to marriage counseling (big mistake by the way, if you have no proof A is over). We went through 4-5 marriage counseling sessions which were not doing any good, and I could tell this by her actions. She was already finished, done, over with M. Finally, in mid August, I had proof that EA had turned to PA. As Sandi suggests, I took a tough love stance but put it in writing stating that I was "releasing her to her choices, but that she must make a choice, as I would not live in an open marriage". I was fully prepared for any action she might take. She showed no remorse, saying that she was sorry she didn't tell me sooner. She filed for D and the D is now final. My question is, and Sandi may want to weigh in on this, how often do you see these situations turn around? Do WW that initiate D ever return? I do want to have a MR with her and I wanted to have a family. But I do understand that I cannot tolerate living like that. I have more self respect than that. I have left the door open for R for a short time, but it will close at some point. She would have to show genuine remorse and repentance. At this point, I plan on going and staying dark with no contact.
I would appreciate any thoughts, especially from Sandi, or from other husbands of WW.
Thank you all, rdken
Me:29 W:27 M: 4 years T: 5 years No children S: 7/7/15 EA: 7/7/15 BD/"I'm done": 7/15/15 MC: 7/7/15-8/21/15 (failed) PA: 8/29/15 W Files for D: 9/9/15 D will finalize in 60 days
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just was wondering if someone could weigh in on my situation.
Me:29 W:27 M: 4 years T: 5 years No children S: 7/7/15 EA: 7/7/15 BD/"I'm done": 7/15/15 MC: 7/7/15-8/21/15 (failed) PA: 8/29/15 W Files for D: 9/9/15 D will finalize in 60 days
Does a WW sometimes have regrets and come back to the LBH? Yes, sometimes. Unfortunately, I don't believe it happens all that often. And if/when they do, it's often out of fear of the unknown, not necessarily because they are remorseful or want to be with LBH again. Your situation progressed very rapidly, probably due to having no children, so a D can be finalized much faster.
It's up to you as to how long you decide to keep the door open. TBH, with you being so young, no children, and a relatively new M, I would probably recommend that you simply assume it's over and move on. I hate to even suggest it, as I really do hate D, but I'm worried you may be setting yourself up for a lot of pain otherwise.
Your XW cheated on you after only 4 years of M - that's not a good sign. Women have A's for a lot of reasons, but at the core, it indicates some serious internal mental/emotional issues which would take a lot of work to resolve. And that's assuming she ever gets to a point where she realizes that the problems are with her, and is willing to do the work; many never get there.
On top of that, you have to ask yourself if you could every truly forgive your XW and trust her again. The A will always be part of your history now. Trust can slowly be rebuilt, but it takes a long time and a lot of work from both parties. I don't know. I just think with you being so young, you may be better off letting go and finding someone who will love you and treat you with the respect you deserve. I know it's hard to give up the dreams you had of being together and what your future was going to look like.
It's still early, so you may want to take a few months and see how things play out. But I would set a time limit on it, like 6 months, etc. Then commit to moving on. Other than going dark, not sure what other strategies to suggest, but read up on all the homework from Cadet and post questions. Whatever you decide, I really do hope things turn out for you.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Dwh thank you so much for your response. My thoughts are very similar to yours. I feel like I need to begin moving on. There was absolutely no remorse on her part - almost like she felt like she deserved to do what she did. There was an obvious role that I played in the breakdown of the marriage, but I don't think it justified the affair. I'm just thinking toward the future...if someone can do this once, they can do it again. And next time there might be children involved.
Me:29 W:27 M: 4 years T: 5 years No children S: 7/7/15 EA: 7/7/15 BD/"I'm done": 7/15/15 MC: 7/7/15-8/21/15 (failed) PA: 8/29/15 W Files for D: 9/9/15 D will finalize in 60 days
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
The waywardness is the issue. I have seen couples split and go back, just as I'm sure you have. Waywardness is stubborn rebellion, full of resentment and disrespect. Ever seen a good hearted teenager rebell badly? It's kind like her heart has gone so cold and selfish, and that she's unreachable. It usually includes a lot of stubborn pride, which could hold her back from apologizing and asking the BH to give her another chance.
Quote:
Do WW that initiate D ever return? I do want to have a MR with her and I wanted to have a family. But I do understand that I cannot tolerate living like that. I have more self respect than that. I have left the door open for R for a short time, but it will close at some point. She would have to show genuine remorse and repentance. At this point, I plan on going and staying dark with no contact.
What if I said 2 out of every 100 return? Would you know if yours would fall into that 2%? (And, btw, I just made up those figures, b/c I have no clue.). I believe the circumstances in each WW's life will determine how long or short a period she stays wayward. I know one woman who has gone through H after H, and a slew of other men........and she's still wayward. She's the type who wants what she can't have, and once she gets it......she's done with it. Doesn't make good material for a M to hold together. But guess what? She had that nature when she was growing up, and her dating history shows it. So, I was not surprised she went from M to M. It doesn't mean, however, that all WW's continue to stay in that condition. It was, and continues to be a choice. I could give a long list of excuses that made me do what I did. But the truth of the matter was I acted from my own free will.
I have seen young women leave their wonderful H's and really mess up their lives. It made no sense. Do any WW's return after initiating a D? Well, there are couples who get remarried after D, so I assume there are some. I just don't think you can use that as a scale for your own personal outcome.
The fact that you have a lot of self-respect and refuse to accept that type of treatment is refreshing, to say the least. So many I have seen come to the board, waits too long before showing the WW he won't put up with that kind of disrespectful treatment. I think the longer a man tolerates his WW's bad treatment, the less likely she'll respect him enough to be attracted and want to return. But, that's just my viewpoint.
I also believe that some WW's just have to get out there to learn from the school of hard knocks. They have to see for themselves that that ditching the H did not bring them the happiness they thought it would. Sometimes, it takes the WW living without the BH for a period of time before she begins to see what she's done to herself, and what she's willing to do to get her life back again.
If there are no children, going dark is what I would advise. Do you live in the same town as your WW?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The infamous Sandi speaks! Thanks so much for your response. Currently we live in the same city as each other, but on opposite sides, although there is the chance that we could run into one another. I discovered that she was making tentative plans to move to Dallas where the OM lives. My counselor said that if she would do this and make the move to close the distance, it would crack the fog sooner, because it would give her a dose of reality. Unfortunately, she is and has always been the "run home to mommy" type, and is very emotionally (and now financially) dependent upon her parents. Because of this, she may continue living with her parents. Her parents, by the way, have decided that I am solely responsible for the demise of the marriage. Her mother acknowledged that her affair "wasn't right" but is somehow almost justifying her behavior. Ultimately, my W has found a sanctuary for her sin. I'm afraid that her parents will continue to enable her bad behavior indefinitely.
Me:29 W:27 M: 4 years T: 5 years No children S: 7/7/15 EA: 7/7/15 BD/"I'm done": 7/15/15 MC: 7/7/15-8/21/15 (failed) PA: 8/29/15 W Files for D: 9/9/15 D will finalize in 60 days
Sorry to see you here but regarding her family support I'm not surprised. They won't disown her as she is their kid, and out of the two of you, which one would they be more likely to believe: their flesh and blood or you?
Sorry to be so abrupt but you still have a lot of your life ahead of you, and maybe this situation is there to teach you something about yourself, and if you work on mending what was wrong, you'll bring a new you to your next relationship.
Yes I hear you Rouky. Obviously blood is thicker than water. But there is a difference between enabling and disowning. My mother would not take my side in a situation like this. She has strong moral values. My W parents do not. Anyway, you're right. I have work to do on myself and I can change at least one person: ME! Thanks for your kind words.
Me:29 W:27 M: 4 years T: 5 years No children S: 7/7/15 EA: 7/7/15 BD/"I'm done": 7/15/15 MC: 7/7/15-8/21/15 (failed) PA: 8/29/15 W Files for D: 9/9/15 D will finalize in 60 days
