Hey Thriver, good to see you posting again. The definition of remorse is an emotionalexpression of personal regret felt by a person after they have committed an act which they deem to be shameful, hurtful, or violent. That's the book's definition.
The type or amount of emotional expression probably depends upon the individual. When it comes to serious relationships, such as marriage, it would seem if a wayward was truly sorry for their wayward actions, then the BS would see some kind of evidence. As to how much that wayward spouse would do, depends on where they are in life. For instance, some are in another M and get dumped before they start feeling remorse for how they treated their first H.
How does a person truly regret their deed and then continue doing it? Isn't that what addicts and abusers do? How does a person have remorse and their attitude never change? Remorse goes deeper than just having a hard cry, and then repeating the same behavior, but that may be JMHO. As long as the WW says she regrets the A, but you never see any evidence of her wanting to make things right with you, I would say it's just words without the emotional expression of wanting the marriage reconciled.
In most of the stories that come through here, the WW says she want to be friends with the BH. But what she sees as a friendship with him is not what he sees. As long as she has a wayward heart, her motives will be selfish. He needs to examine the "friendship" from the view as if she were M to another man. Would he be her friend, then? And, don't confuse friendliness with being a BFF. IMHO, the only time to become a friend to a spouse who betrayed you, is when they repent (and turn away from that behavior) and both are working to reconcile the M. That is the time to start out as friends, then slowly go to dating. During this dating period, have professional MC to help get you back on the right track.....and keep you there.
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From my reading, a truly remorseful WW will put their LBS and their feelings first, without question. They will take actions to show the LBS that they are truly sorry. They will move heaven and earth to heal the pain that they caused. They will setup MC sessions and go NC with the OM. They will do whatever it takes.
I think a word missing here might be "willingness". If a WW wants to reunite with the H she betrayed, then she should be willing to do whatever it takes to heal the MR. There may be some cases where the WW is so distraught, or perhaps has sank so low, that she feels it is hopeless to think her H would even give her a second chance. (I'm not seeing it in your WW).
IMO, the H needs to lay out a transparency plan, boundaries, some type of professional guidance, etc. He is the one who is (or should be) in the position to call the shots. She needs to understand that she is the one who has to earn his trust........and not the other way around. She is the one with the burden of proof on her shoulders. If she resents any of it, then she needs IC (who is pro-marriage). You can't heal a M that holds resentment and unforgiveness.
The attitude always gives away the true intent of a WW. It may take a little time, but eventually her colors show in her attitude. There have been a lot of men who were so eager to get the WW back home, that no consequences, stipulations, or work was required for her. I don't recall one case where it succeeded. The time to make the plans of agreement to R the M is if/when she actually wants to return. And don't accept that old bait of her saying, "I've been thinking about maybe going back home", or her asking something like, "What would you do if I packed my bags and came home"? Nope, it's not that simple, honey.
The number of WW's that wanted to return without doing any work, is in the majority. They want to pick up where it left off, and to act as if nothing ever happened. It doesn't work. Something DID happen. A lot happened! If she goes home under those conditions......it will only be a matter of time before she hurts him again. Why? B/c she won't really respect him for taking her back so easily. She would be more attracted to a man who caused her to have to work to be with him.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
