Brink x 2

[SpinningJenny]

Posters often say that if you write a BUT, then everything before the but is invalidated by everything that comes after the but. What worries me in your comments above is that you may well not see any effort from him or any indication that he likes you or wants your M to work. At least in the short term anyway. What will you do then?

Well, our house is going up for sale. I don't feel okay about getting another mortgage with him or continuing to financially support him while it is clear that he's not in the relationship. He's in the house, sure, but we're only housemates and I think he's getting his cake and eating it. So I will split the equity with him and find a place for me and the children without him.

Have a I missed out on an end of the month deadline? You rejoined us in August and will give things until end September? That isn't long at all. If you truly want to try and save your M (which I presume you do as you're here) I think you would need to dig in for a truly concerted effort for many months. I know that must sound hard as you have been at this for some time - but not truly DBing from what you post.

You're right - that isn't long at all. I want to carry on what I am doing for a month and see if there are any changes. If not, I'll need to try something else. If nothing changes by the time our house sells, I am going to initiate a separation but not give up on the relationship.

Have you re-read the book cover to cover with a pencil in hand? I think there will be a lot in there to help you, particularly as you and your H are together. It sounds as though re-introducing that warmth is a big area for you and there is a theme of resentment on your part I think - 'I'm not getting my needs met and I need to do so soon.' Pre-WAW talk I think. But I also think if you can slow down and recognise that to get your needs met in the longer term, you may need to put them second for now, that may be a good plan.

I'm rereading the book now. I think our situation is slightly different, in that he's not actually DBed and I'm considering doing it, but he has pretty much checked out of the marriage so I feel like a LBW and a WAW all in one. My needs are coming second now, and have been for a couple of years. If what I am going works to make changes, then I can be patient. But I do need to see changes.

When your R was warm and affectionate in the early days, what did you do with each other that was different? What has your own resentment built up about and how has this manifested in your R? Can you change that pattern?

Well, as I said, I've always been the pursuer. He was warmer and more affectionate but always used withdrawal as a way to get my behaviour in line. And yes - loads of resentment has built up in me about that. It manifested in really awful ways - like stepping up the pursuing, initiating R talk, not respecting his boundaries when he wanted to stop the conversation, etc. I've stopped all that and haven't done any of those behaviours for a couple of years. Since I came back here in August I've also stopped all over kinds of pursuing behaviours - and that seems to be throwing him a bit.[/quote]

Have you fully dealt with your own use of alcohol, anger and mental health issues? Resentment about money?

I believe I've made loads of progress in that area - but I don't think I can sit back and say 'I'm cured' and there's nothing left to work on. I'm no longer using alcohol to deal with anxiety, stress or depression. I drink socially at the weekend now and again. For the PTSD I took medication for eighteen months, saw an individual therapist, took up meditation and walking. I still do the meditation, walking, and knitting (it sounds weird, but it really does help with anxiety!) After my symptoms had stabilised and I realised what damage the way I'd behaved during my illness had done to my married, I initiated MC - we attended together for about six months.

Resentment about money - a big thing for me. I love my work and he's a fantastic dad. But the kids are at school now, and it feels to me like he wants to have the benefits of being my husband without acting like one. One of the reasons why I think a physical separation and separate finances for a while might actually help. I'm not entirely convinced he's living here with me because he wants to - only because he doesn't have the resources to go elsewhere.

Humour?

This is a great idea. He was moaning this afternoon about something not being put back in the cupboard properly. I don't remember touching it. He was gearing up for an argument and I said, 'maybe we should call the police. It seems we've had someone break in during the night to rearrange your cupboards.' I will be honest, I meant it half-sarcastically, but my tone was pleasant enough for him to take it as a joke and we laughed together about it.

Thanks for your replies, Sotto. Given me loads of things to think about.