Confused newbie

[dday]

So, this would be the time to go dark on everything other than kids and legal junk? She did say that if she felt any differently, she would stop the divorce. I told her that I felt like she was either leading me on, or changing the way she felt, and I felt it was manipulative. And I walked away, and she followed me to apologize. Grrr

[dday]

Ok, game plan:
Don't initiate contact
My stuff will be moved out when she gets back home (we are doing the shuttle parent thing...kids stay, parents rotate. That will change now that I have my own place)
Pour myself into making my rental feel like "home"
Do stuff with friends
Take the kids to do new things
Be the best dad I can be
Do some activities that I haven't done due to family obligations


How do I handle interactions with her? Only kid and legal stuff? Be attentive, but offer nothing but validation? We will see each other at baseball games 2 or 3 nights a week. Do I sit with her or not?

I love it that I have found this supportive site, and I appreciate the advice!

[sandi2]

How do I handle interactions with her? Only kid and legal stuff? Be attentive, but offer nothing but validation? We will see each other at baseball games 2 or 3 nights a week. Do I sit with her or not?

What is your definition of going dark?

[dday]

I guess that is the question that I am asking... I apparently am not smart enough to know exactly. I tried searching for a good definition, but only found people saying it was working, or not. So, I guess I need to know what the proper method is.

Thanks again

[Azzork]

Dday - dark means DARK. Like no contact. About anything. You have young children that need go co-parents. There's only so dark that you can go.

Ultimately, "going dark" is a tool, not a solution. It's not like if you have no contact for a week, she's going to jump into your arms. The point is to gain the distance that you need to be able to work on you without worrying so much that she is watching your every move.

I do recommend reducing your contact with her to as low a level as possible. But you still have to do all of the important stuff. That part is easy.

[dday]

Thanks Azzork,

I think I get it now. 37 rules, go dark, GAL, and act as if I am moving on. Meanwhile, be a good dad and work on me... not the R.

I welcome the advice, because everything I tried blew up in my face. Being the attentive, super husband was not what she wanted.

[dday]

Ok, W and I will be doing the kid swap soon. What should my conversation look like?

Kids are good, haven't eaten lunch yet. I have stuff to do, see ya? Do I listen to what she has to say (about her weekend) or just walk away?

Limit contact, don't be mean... do I tell her anything?

This is the first day of the rest of my life, and I want to start it off right!

[dday]

Did kid swap earlier, Kept it short and businesslike. Probably came across as cold, but I have been over-accommidating the last 6 months. She mentioned that she was given a bunch of apples, and asked if I wanted them. I said no thanks and left. Came to my rental a few hours later, and there is a bag of apples hanging on my door. I'm glad I wasn't here, gives her something to think about. Day 1 of darkish went well. I feel a little more at ease, and maybe I took my first baby step today. Feels like the right thing either way! Plus, I got the man cave starting to be livable.

[dday]

Day 2 of dark. Felt better most of the day, until I came home to thus rental place. Emotions are all over the place. Biggest "revelation" is that I really have no idea who the person is that is inside my wife's body. She looks the same, and there are occasional flashes of the girl I married... but most of the time it is this stranger. Sandy is right about that, she is not the woman I fell for 14 years ago. Maybe the kids becoming more self sufficient has something to do with her having lost herself? I don't know.

But, I feel that very little contact is the right thing to do. It is definately a 180. And she said that if her feelings changed, she would stop the D. If not, I think it will help me to detach...

Always open to advice!

[rdken]

Yeah I know what you mean dday. Every time I looked at my wife it was like looking at a different person. Not the person I married. That realization has helped me detach more than anything else.