Hi SJ, long haul is right. Being patient, shifting your focus onto you, letting time pass and things unfold are central to this process.
As you say, it is important to let go of that thought - if I do this, he will do that. Although it is true that you have some influence over the outcome of your sitch through DBing, it tends to work at a much more subtle and deeper level and it all takes time.
For example, I thought at quite an early stage I had dropped the rope. It was the title of my first thread and it was a few months after BD. Now I had changed my approach and stopped initiating contact with H. However, internally I was desperate for things to work out for us. It normally takes a good while to get to the - 'truly I will be fine either way' place. And I think things get subtly communicated to our S's the whole way through.
The other thing is that events need to unfold from their end too. If there is OP involved, that needs to slowly disintegrate (which most but not all A's do) but that takes time too.
Your H may seem absolutely uninterested for some time to come and this is where being more detached really helps. You can see him more as a third party would than as a hurt spouse.
But it is all a work in progess and the main thing is to have faith and an overall good direction of travel yourself.
Good luck with things xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
