Finally asking for help:

[Avanti]

Solo15, I have read through your thread and at times I became very emotional, you really have been through it and as mentioned on mutatio's thread you seem to be in a dark place right now.

You have obviously thought long and hard about things and spend time judging yourself when it's not really needed. My dad said to me not that long ago "you take things very seriously, you need to lighten up a bit" and it really made me think as feelings are something my dad has never talked to me about. Do you think that maybe you need a dose of the same medicine? You say you are GAL, are you letting go and enjoying the time? Have you watched your favourite comedy show or film recently and had a really good belly laugh? If not maybe it's time to.

Taking time to "let go and allow things to just be" a bit isn't going to change things in your R that much immediately but if you do it often enough, you may feel slightly lighter of mind and that'll come across in your conversations with your W so you'll get a positive response which will prompt you to do more and so on.

One other point that did come to mind was that most, if not all, of your posts are very W focussed and although you are spending time on GAL activities,also changing the focus of your posts onto you may also help, it's all part of that detachment thing so many talk about and say is the most important thing; that's because it is. :-)

What you should also be aware of is that, it's scientifically proven that if your mind thinks of something negative and keeps thinking about it, the next time round it'll embellish the thought with some new, possibly made up, facet and then send it round again and again and it'll keep growing like a snowball down a hill until everything is dark. If you feel this happening, recognise it and gently lead yourself away from those thoughts onto something else. I use non-spiritual Mindfulness Meditation that came out of research into depression at Oxford University, UK and it works wonders once you get the hang of it, but that's not for everyone and there are other ways, praying for instance. Spend time looking into this area, it was one of the big keys for me and stopped me feeling so much pain and being out of control, bitter, angry, prone to rash and irrational actions...

Make the decision to take greater control of your mind and as the DB books says, become solution orientated then you'll find yourself turning quite a significant corner and things may not seem quite so dark or confusing anymore.

You have great wisdom and introspection, start making it work for you. Not that you are currently consciously working against yourself, it is sadly what appears to be happening given your recent posts.

Hang in there, we are all here to help as best we can, so keep on posting, even if it's simply to rant.