MLC Funhouse continues

[mleigh4]

Oh man, you hit on so many things for me in your post. The triggers are incredible.

The garage door, although I never hear it at all hours of the night anymore, would be a huge one for me. Actually brings tears to my eyes and makes me cringe just to think of hearing it.

My triggers right now are visual. The spare room itself is tough for me, but the bed in it worse. It belongs to my FIL, he was kind enough to let me borrow it when I had moved out for 6 months, then again kind enough to let me know H wanted it in the spare room for himself. That was how I found out H was moving into the spare room. I hate that bed and want it out. Just today, I was thinking I need to contact FIL and find a way to get it back to him.

It's good to hear there is hope to work past those triggers, it's hard for me to imagine at this point. I really love your air purifier idea I admire you and enjoy reading your progress.

[HaWho]

Thanks Deja and Mleigh for the posts.

Mleigh-Interesting to hear the similarities regarding triggers. I can see that bed being a big one. Maybe leave the liquid plumber taped to it and in his fog H will take the whole bed too?!?

So had an interesting day today. H called mid-day to ask if I wanted to go to the beach. I assumed he wanted us to go with kids after school, but he categorically asked we go without the kids. First time he has asked to go out alone in about a month. Progress!

I said yes, but then this horrible dread set in. I started to feel physically sick over it. My stomach was turning and I just didn't want to go. I was hoping plans would fall through. I felt like I was going on a job interview and simultaneously interviewing him.

Oddly when I return home H before we are to go out, H seems completely like old self. He calls me my old nickname without catching himself and is spunky. I jokingly ask if he's been drinking. His exact answer: no I just feel like I have been in a fog or a haze or something. (If he only knew.)

Then I receive call from difficult new boss. He points out some tiny error I made, asks a few questions--all of this could be handled via email. But then, he tells me they are promoting me! Now I know why he called and why he pointed out small error! He is not happy old boss is promoting me.

Suddenly stomach ache disappears and I am dancing around the house! Nice I can successfully use the bellows on certain parts of my life, if not fully on my M!

H and I go out and I end up having fun! He compliments me several times. I still see him trying to back peddle from nasty MLC induced comments he made earlier. He makes a point of saying opposite of things he wrote in letter.

So another thing I wanted to note is that I see H "reconnecting" to rooms of the house. Just as he is waking up to peripheral contacts--old pre-MLC friends and members or my family.

--Post BD H called master bedroom "morose;" avoided it at all costs. (This room was my cocoon in my depression.). Seemed physically uncomfortable if he had to come in. Literally ran out as fast as he could. Post BD, I think he went into that room twice for 1 minute total.

--H barely went into living room or kids' rooms post BD.

--Now Master bedroom is the only room in the house where he is affectionate with me. He does not initiate affection in other rooms of the house. (Except for a few times in his room.). This has surprised me as he seemed to have the strongest reaction to master BR. So I would think he would connect to this last? Opposite has occurred. Of all rooms outside his study/room he moved into for MLC, master bedroom is now where he spends most time.

--He is starting to sit in the living room a few minutes at a time.

[mleigh4]

You almost made me spit out my coffee this morning, thank you for the laugh

Funny how they all say they were in a fog, which I can relate to a little bit....

Let me ask you something. Was your husband good about talking about feelings prior to BD? Would you say he was pretty emotional and open normally, or closed off?

Reason I ask, my H is extremely closed off, completely unemotional in general. He was always the same mood, it never changed, (which I now know as passive aggressive behavior) I have seen more emotion from him during MLC then ever before, but I fear he would never be able to open up and talk about coming out of a fog, if he ever did....just seems like a lost cause to me sometimes...wondering if there is any pattern with this.

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh-glad I could offer some comic relief!

No, my H was not good about talking about his feelings, at all. He was quite closed off. He has every single characteristic of a distancer. The only true emotion he seems comfortable expressing is mild anger. A very few times, in extreme moments he showed some sadness. I can remember one instance pre-BD and two after BD. VERY rare. In talking about his childhood (which he has been doing a lot lately) he is sort of matter-of-fact/mildly annoyed despite the fact that the stories are very painful and extremely sad.

As his fog has lifted there have been times things hit him hard--sad stories in the news, world happenings. My son has a friend who broke a bone and H was very empathetic (all post BD). H seemed to be disproportionately feeling in these instances. The pendulum had swung pretty far the other way. Maybe he was trying on masks?

There are times where, as I am raising my two sons, I see my H learning how things should be, too. In MLC, sometimes he has repeated my exact same words to the boys days later. Sometimes he watched/listened just like a child himself as I explained basic things: how you should treat each other, how to deal with someone pushing your buttons, etc. When I teach my boys how you treat your brother, H is particularly owl eyed--he has one brother himself. (But he was not "learning" in heaviest of fog, this only started when fog lifted a bit. In heaviest of fog, he couldn't even remember where he was driving or what day of the week it was.)

As your H is in his own fog, if your son is around and you are talking to son about feelings or how to deal with people, I would be curious to see if your H was learning along the way, too? Watch his face and see.

But he knows something is off. He has told me that he is surprised at how I can express myself and how much I feel. I am waiting to see if in MLC he is going to grow up with my boys. Sometimes I think the timing of his MLC is synced somehow with sons, developmentally speaking. I think he got stuck somewhere between the ages my boys are now and he is trying to learn with them.

Let me ask you, does your H have all the characteristics of a distancer? Also, I am curious, is he ok with sharing things? (Like a bite of his food, his stuff,etc.)?

[mleigh4]

Hi,

I am not sure what the exact characteristics of a distancer are, but pre BD, he was a very quiet person in general. We would do things with friends, but he was the quiet reserved guy in the group. He had a few select close friends.

During our R, H rarely talked about his childhood. He would only occasionally say it wasn't the best. He never talked about feelings, never. No different emotions, in fact, I used to joke to him that he was emotionless, always in the same mood. He would say ILY, but never commented much on my new clothes, new hairstyle or color. I got very few compliments. I am a talker, but we never had in depth conversations. He would hold hands and give hugs sometimes, but not very affectionate. When he did get affectionate, it was almost awkward, like he didn't know how. He was a very simple man of few words, to a point of boring sometimes. However, we did have many good times, obviously I love him


My FIL had told me at BD that H grew up in a very passive aggressive home. Once I read up on that, I realized he fit the bill perfectly. In his world, showing emotion was bad and wrong, which explained why he would tell me I was making a big deal about things. He wasn't very supportive or comforting when I would go through tough times in life. I took all this as him not caring, but now I believe it was the passive aggressive behavior at work. There were so many times he just wouldn't let me in, emotionally.

At BD, he had no problem all of a sudden opening up and telling me how he felt, all of it bad. He felt empty, unhappy, and nothing for me.

Since BD, I have seen emotions more often. The biggest being his need to save his sister in Mexico. I am not kidding when I say they did not have a close relationship. He never seemed to care about her antics, but all of a sudden he was worried sick. I see more emotions with our son, the dog, and even with me at times (just the anger alone he shows with me is progress). I am hoping through his MLC journey that he will learn to open up a bit. But I read posts on here of the MLCer talking about how they feel, and I just can't imagine that with my H!

[mleigh4]

Oh, as far as sharing, he is sharing and giving with tangible objects and things, always has been.

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh-I have learned, the hard way, those unresolved family of origin problems impact my MLCer.

The other night H went out with a friend. He texted me as he was coming home and was home at a very decent hour. I validated. Meanwhile he consistently has been asking where I have been/done if I go out. Seems to be keeping tabs on me?

But this weekend, I see several instances where he either is testing my changes or just picking fights with me. 3 times this weekend. All small stuff that in the past I would have reacted to/engaged in. But I did not take the bait and it was so easy not to do so. It is all such a waste of time.

The third instance just happened this morning and I felt H was just pushing my buttons. Long story short, he got defensive about something and was about to pull away. I jokingly held on to him and he angrily huffed off.

I did not like the feelings that followed. I felt this indignity that I felt at BD. I used to have a lot of dignity and lost it along the way. Too many years of trying to make things right that I didn't make wrong.

I am consistent-no hostility in my body language while H is kind of huffy. I like this in myself. I really don't care. There was a time I would have followed him and fixed it all. But now I see it's him, not me! He then goes to his to his room and listens to a loud song. So like a petulant teenager!

Then he decides to take a walk. He makes a comment as he leaves that is friendly. It's a feeler--he is trying to see if I am mad and it is his way of apologizing. Wish he could just give a hug and say sorry.

Here's where it gets odd. As he is out, I think to myself, I would not be surprised if he came back cheerful and happy nor would it shock me if he bombed me again.

I know what this is now. He is spinning. It would hurt if he bombed me again but at this moment I don't fear it like I have at other times. And I feel proud that I didn't engage or rush in with my medical kit to clean it and bandage it. Whatever "it" was.

[AJM]

HaWho, It occurs to me as I read your posts that there's some hostility on your part. Am I misreading that? Adding in comments like "I really don't care" seems like a protective and flippant comment I might hear from a hurt teen. Seems to me that somebody that doesn't "care" doesn't think to mention they don't care

I call that out just to be sure you are aware. I would be surprised if there wasn't some hostility during these changes. I also know from experience, that MLCrs can smell the various feelings. They are highly attuned to things we think are not projecting or otherwise are keeping hidden. Again, just awareness because I'm not sure that you would want to hide all of it. That may not be you if you did. Something to consider.

Other than that, you seem to be learning to surf the waves quite well. You are becoming more and more aware of what's going on and realizing that even the behaviors you saw before won't last.

I also wonder as I read this if your H won't be a far better partner and person to be around when done. Seems like there were some things you might have wanted from him that he'll be more able to give. Later though

And yes, he's spinning. I'm sure whatever he says moment to moment is just how he feels at that moment and may not in the next. Like the filter is broken, right? Don't worry, that's not a forever thing...

AJ

[HaWho]

Hi AJ-You're right. I do feel hostility. Excellent read and passive aggressive on my part. I am proud that I didn't get into the pettiness with him but ultimately hostility did get a hold on me.

It started when he pulled away and I tried to hold on. I don't like that I tried and he pulled away. Another thing that I feel is that things are on H's terms today. He told me he was going to work from 2:00 onwards and he went out for a walk by himself this am. I know he needs all this time for processing, but it is tiring. I think today he was just going through the motions of what a H/father is supposed to do.

So after he left for his walk he called and asked if I needed anything at the store. I know he was reading if I was mad. I said no and chit chatted enough to show I wasn't mad. We hatched a plan with kids. I said, if you're not in the mood you don't need to come. He said he wanted to but again, I think going through the motions. Just before we go to leave he suggests we take two separate cars as we (kids and I) may stay longer than him. I just felt like we were being penciled in so that he could check the "I'm a good dad/H" square.

I get there with the kids and I do feel hostile. I just feel the day is on his terms. I think he reads my hostility. In fact I am sure he does. He stays for about a half hour. Then says he is bored and "just wants to work." Makes up another lame excuse. Off he goes and it is a self fulfilling prophesy-he just checked us off his to-do list.

Meanwhile all around me are families. Family men who look so normal. And these are just the kind of moments where I think how is he/are we going to pull out of this?

Now I realize I am spinning too. I want to be married to an adult not a man/child.

And by being hostile I kind of feel like I wasn't able to keep myself out of his equation. In a normal situation I would try to talk through this. But w/H I am worried this would scare him down a tunnel deeper than a black hole.

So do I just try to let it go? Just chalk it up to normal spinning? Or is this a time I try to talk to him? I am so confused about what this is/what to do?

If I talk to him I think I would ask questions: tell, explain describe questions. They would start with: why did you pull away today? I don't even know how to get to the bottom of this.

[Sotto]

Hi Ha Who, sorry you guys had a tough day. My reading is - are you expecting him to be husband and Dad, when he is still having days where processing is taking place. If you are expecting him to step up to the plate, then feeling hostile when he isn't, doesn't that just drive a little wedge in again.

Perhaps you still need to be prepared to detach when things like this come up. Be perfectly prepared to go off, make your own plans, enjoy yourselves. And just expect this will happen sometimes. I think your H (and you!!) have been doing really well. But there will always be those tough days. And perhaps those are ones to accept and leave him be without ill feeling.

It sounds a little to me as though you still have expectations at moments where he doesn't really have the stuff to give perhaps?

Just my 0.2pence anyway....and I hope tomorrow is a better day for you guys