Something you could do, perhaps, is refuse to listen to him process his emotions about the other woman. You're not his best friend, you're his wife - and it's incredibly disrespectful to you for him to talk about her and assess the future prospects of a relationship with her, with you as the listener. He probably does need to talk about these things - he probably is emotional and messed up. But what is what therapists or for. You could refuse to listen to it.
I think if you engage with him about the OW, it turns into a battle between you and her, between him and you. If you withdraw and get out of the way, it means he has to battle with himself and decide what kind of man he wants to be. This is his problem. Obviously it affects you deeply - but it is his affair, his betrayal and his MLC. Let him experience it without your help and protect yourself from the consequences of his decisions.
I feel like my battle is less about the OW and more about showing him that our marriage could be SO much better.
Originally Posted By: Azzork
Lisa -
Your goal is not to show him that you are the prize.
Your goal is to BE the prize.
Agree with Azz again. Azz, I'm not sure where you came from, but I like the cut of your jib.
Lisa, you're getting a lot of advice. I think a good litmus test is the intent. If it's advice about how you can take care of yourself, detach, protect yourself, GAL, grow, and become a better stronger person, one that grieves and can eventually find peace of mind...then I'm all for it. If it's about trying to do things to send a message to WAH, wake him up, or trying to impact his decisions...then I think it's completely the wrong direction.
I'm running the risk of repeating myself so I'm going to lead by example. I'm not going to try to control YOU any further today, I'll go and GAL and enjoy my weekend. Take care!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I'm sorry. I know I'm brand new here and I know all of you have been where I am in one way or another. But I am so sad and scared. I bought the DB book last week with great hope. Found this board and have been pouring through it. But the more I read, the more I notice people's signatures and how many people ultimately divorce.
I'm sorry, I'm just so discouraged. I need to know that this stuff CAN work. I know it might not work for me and my marriage, but I'm beginning to feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.
Sorry for my negativity today. It's a down day for me.
I had the same feelings early on. I questioned the system and the people here. I wasn't trying to be mean but I wanted to know I was chasing the best possible way to move forward with life. I forget who it was, but I got a very logical response. I was told that many of the people here are currently trying to help others with what they have learned works or doesn't work. Most people who end up reconciling are putting thier focus on thier relationship, not on a forum... Perfect example is our boy squiggy. He was here daily, for months. His W came and wanted to work on thier M. He started checking in less frequently, giving us all updates and support. Even some hope. As far as I've seen, he hasn't been on in at least 2 or 3 weeks now. I see that as positive! Not that I don't want to hear about how good it is going, because I have to assume he is spending every waking minute working with his wife to build their relationship.
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
Lisa - Id let your emotions cool down before kicking him out of the house. There's a LOT swirling right now and so any major decisions should be based on logic and reason. Not emotion.
But I do think it's reasonable to kick him from MBR to give yourself space.
I agree with Azzork that If you need space that it is reasonable to ask your H to leave MBR. You need space to detach and focus on you and having him in your room is going to make that very hard especially with him staying out late with OW. There are varying opinions on here how to deal with an WAS that won't give up A. I believe that there needs to be a bit more tough love, so for me, telling him that you will not live in an open M and share your MBR with him while he is in A is ok and should be set sooner than later. Please note that I am not a vet and just going off if my personal experience. You need to be able to deliver this in a very calm demeanor, so I would wait until you have your emotions under a bit more control. That might not be today or tomorrow. To me, this is setting a boundary around you, your personal space, and your beliefs. This is not an ultimatum or about controlling your H. I would suggest that you popover into the infidelity section and read some of the threads in there. I think one of the best vets on here as it relates to an active A is Starsky. I know how painful living with an A is and I feel for you.
Also, I agree with Zeus that there is really is no reason or need to talk to your H today. With emotions so high it will likely just turn yen negative. I tried to have rational discussions with my H and it was pointless. Your H is in an irrational state right now and nothing you say is going to get through to him. Just go about your day, get away for a bit, and wait for him to approach conversation. As MWD says, time to pull up your boot straps and work on you. Try to be light, friendly and positive today. You are going to have to fake it at first, but it will get easier as you go. Be strong!!
Last edited by BT13; 09/12/1503:33 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
The people that come here are in the WORST situation. Think how long it took for you to sign up and post. That there are ANY successes boggles my mind.
What I've learned too is that none of us have control over our S, but if we do the work, WE come out of this ready for our next R, be it with our S or someone else.
Hi Lisa65 and welcome. I haven't posted on your thread before, but felt compelled to after reading your post. I won't bore you with a lot of details about my sitch, but my XH was pretty dead set on D when I came here and now, almost a year later, we are D.
However, Lisa, let me encourage you. The people here, this forum, the books, the advice, it is ALL good stuff. Though I was not successful at busting my divorce, I'm a much better person for having found this site and receiving such great support.
I just posted recently that though I ended up divorced, I still consider myself a DB success because through this site, I found healing and I found myself again and I'm well on the road to being happy again.
Keep reading and posting and I assure you, you will get some of the best advice ever from the vets around here.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
((Lisa)), take a deep breath. Tell us your story, and we will try to help you.
Most of the success stories stop posting after their marriages are pieced back together. Even those who aren't able to save their M, ultimately come through the fire a stronger person, b/c of the intense personal work. Nobody can garantee success, but you won't find a more compassionate, supportive group of people than the DB community.
Weekends are slow, so don't give up and think nobody will respond to you. Send several posts.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
