We are on the brink

[SpinningJenny]

Thanks, Beagley.

I've been reflecting on this a lot today. I don't think I've enforced my boundary about being spoken to respectfully consistently with him, now I come to think about it. I know I have been really really driven to get him to behave affectionately towards me and to spend time with me by doing all these little things, then getting resentful because the approach doesn't work in the way I want it to. Who knew you couldn't buy affection with washing up and making the bed That resentment has led to me getting pissy with him because of it. I think I am dropping the rope. Is that what you all call it?

I think I need to detach myself from this need I have to have his affection and attention. I don't know whether that is positive or not - whether that is the kind of loving detachment you're all talking about. But getting it from him can't be the motivation for my decisions. I have to be prepared to work on my goals even if it makes him sulk - and to enforce my boundaries even if it means I get the silent treatment. He'll do what he wants to do anyway.

I have to think about time limits too. I know this won't be fixed in a month - I know it won't. I know once he starts communicating with me, we're only at the very very start and as soon as he starts telling me what his needs are, I will have a whole lot more work to do. But none of my needs are being met at the moment and haven't been for a long time. My respect and affection for him is dying. I'm not willing to be unhappy for years on end.

We're calling the estate agent on monday. Who knows how long it will take our house to sell? I know right now I am not willing to sign up for another, bigger mortgage with him, nor am I willing to support him financially through another training course - not until I know he's committed to making this relationship work, and not just having his cake and eating it. I feel quite sure about that. But these aren't decisions I need to take today - like I said, it could be months before we come to it.

So I guess my next step is to think more clearly about what I want from him. And how long I am prepared to wait.