New - Desperate & Confused, H won't end affair

[Zues126]

Hi Lisa, I missed your other question of how to interact with him.

The most important idea to get your head around is that he is an addict. Imagine that instead of telling you he wasn't sure he wanted to be M and being in an A- imagine he was addicted to painkillers. Looking at it this way is tremendously useful.

For one thing, it is so much less personal. If it was painkillers, you wouldn't feel like it was a comparison between who was a better woman for him, you or the pills. It would be obvious you are his W, those are his escape. If nothing else I hope you realize that OW is nothing more than those pills, she is not your competition, she is nothing. The fact that he might do things with her or say things to her that should normally be reserved for a M can be very hurtful, but it's all fantasy that won't last.

So to answer the question of what to do, it helps to think about what NOT to do. Sandi's rules are all spot on. But in thinking about handling addicts, the number one mistake that people make is trying to control the addict's behavior. Twisting their lives around trying to get the addict to get and stay clean. Ultimatums. Hiding pills. Confrontations. Shaming. Guilt. Threats. Fights. Interventions. Heart to hearts.

STOP! I shudder to think about it. None of this works. All it does is empowers the addict to control YOU. You're letting the addiction become the center of both of your lives. And the more emotionally twined you become with the addiction, the more powerful the addiction can grow, because even when you think you are doling out 'consequences', the reality is that the only true consequence that you can dole out is that of emotionally detaching and moving forward. And that is the one thing that can't happen when you're hell bent on changing someone else's behavior.

From that view it's pretty clear why detaching and moving forward are the right choices. You go through the grieving process for the loss of the relationship you had (regardless of the future there is no doubt about the loss you have incurred). You learn to take care of yourself, and provide the emotional nourishment that you wished he would've provided. You GAL to find alternative ways to meet your emotional needs. You develop a good support group to give you the strength to become the person you want to be. You learn all about boundaries, how to be your best self and avoid being a victim or enabler, without becoming a controller either.

The goal is simple- grieve your lost M, and find a way to be appreciative with the life you have and the person you are. This road can be very long. God doesn't want you to wait for 2 years or 10 years to be filled with his spirit and compassion. Regardless of what WAH does, I think you look for ways to find yourself and your happiness in the midst of this crisis, all while protecting yourself from his destructive behavior.

Most LBS's in your spot will walk at some point. They will take his behavior personally, the hurt turns into anger, and they leave the M because they deserve better. I lean towards the most pro-M stance on this forum, but even I acknowledge that after a number of years of continued A's there might come a time when the boundary is a D sought by you on your end. But that is so far away from where you are you don't need to think about that by now. That would not be a decision to make while you're emotional, depressed, hurt, or angry. That would be one made once you've grieved the loss of your M, you've spent years rebuilding your life, you've made peace and have compassion for WAH, and it's just clear that there's nothing left to stand for.

Until then you must let go of your expectations of what you want from your M. Yes, you want more. You want a committed H, you want a monogamous R, you want a healthy and intimate emotional and physical connection, you want a mature and responsible partner...none of this is happening. But that's all about what you want. God has given you something different. God wants you to serve him, and have faith in him.

I would encourage you to search ... He does a 3 part series, about an hour total, that is very instructive.

All in all, let go of your H's behavior and your expectations. GAL and selfcare is so important because as you find ways to meet your emotional needs elsewhere you'll suffer much less and avoid co-dependency with an addict. And above all, spend time being appreciative for what God has given you. The mantra I used is this: If despite everything God has given me- a place to live, food to eat, loving children, a good job, amazing friends, and many gifts to share with the world- If I still look up at the sky and shout at God, telling him I can't possibly be satisfied and I think it's all garbage without the M I deserve- If I'm THAT entitled, selfish, and unappreciative- well, I don't think one woman will change how I feel.