Such a mix of emotions these past few days. And the lack of sleep is not helping matters.
Yesterday, H called me at work to tell me he was probably gong to leave today on a new trip which would take him right up to the departure for his extended out of country trip slotted for next weekend. Really thru me for a loop. We have a packed weekend, with sports for the kids and TONS of work to do on the house so the contractor can come and finish up the major construction H has not been able to do. Plus, the kids don't even know yet that H is going to be gone until at least the end of December and this was to be the last weekend for them with their Dad for a long time. The thought of having to scramble for help with the kids and do all of this alone today...well, felt like such a weight on my chest.
I had no reserves left. I'm sure my initial tone revealed my unhappiness, but I tried to turn it around and tell him it was fine, it would be ok. Problem was, it wasn't fine and I fell apart after hanging up while at work. Was hanging on by a thread and my co-worker came up to me and kept asking questions and I just started crying.
I could hear in H's voice he was not happy about this trip-he seemed to feel so badly to be leaving me in the lurch again. And, while I cringe at seeing him feel sorry for me and I don't want to react to the guilt he seems to feel, I also realized more clearly how he does struggle with feeling stressed about leaving so much here for me to handle alone. H has said in the past that when he's away, he doesn't think he knows how to relax b/c he so often thinks about what's going on here at home - the 1 acre property left for me to keep up, the many undone remodeling projects that need to be finished, the overwhelming sports schedule that's hard enough to keep up with when 2 people are present...etc.
In my exhausted, overwhelmed state when trying to manage everything while he's away, I don't think I ever really acknowledged how hard this might also be for him. I've heard him say it's not always like a vacation and that he worries about us, but I think I brushed that aside as if it couldn't compare to what I was going thru. After all, I would have given anything to trade places and not have to carry the burden of working 2 & 3 jobs and managing our entire life at home.
I feel so sad, so regretful that I didn't give his concerns more credence.
His trip for this week is now cancelled and we have a 6 more days until he leaves. We spoke about it some last night and I tried to validate his feelings about travel, the ones I've brushed aside so many times. I hope I was able to do that alright. I hope he could see that I recognized it. I don't know if it's too late, but I'm hoping maybe it meant something to him.
Maybe it is too late in his eyes. Maybe he's already moved on so much in his heart with the OW.
I don't know what will happen when he returns to the other country. I still have these worries that she'll be the better one for him and not me. And that hurts beyond all measure. But, for a moment, I was able to want that happiness for him.
just for a moment, though. Selfishly, pride, ego, mostly heart - I still want him. I still want him to want me.
I have to go. D has been bugging me for the last 20 min. I am never alone. This is so hard. I can't even write without hiding in a closet. Oh, Lord. Give me strength.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
If he associates all these negative feeling with me, i.e. stress, guilt for not being here for his family, loneliness while on the road, possible guilt about his ongoing A and only fun, freeing, positive feelings with OW, how can there be a chance for my M?
How can I change my behavior to a more healthy way of coping & interacting with H that will be more positive?
Would that even make a difference? Or am I setting myself up? Investing in more hope for something I should be letting go of?
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
Not one of my finer moments tonight. We were at my S12's baseball game, in a bit of a sketchy town. It was dark and late, D14 decided to leave and walked ahead of me. I lost her in the crowd, anxiously speed-walked to the car only to find she wasn't there either. Frantic, calling her cell. Only getting voicemail. Calling H, who doesn't answer either. Finally end up getting a panicky call from her, sobbing and saying she doesn't know where she is...I immediately find her and I'm so beside myself that I'm yelling. I mean, no self-control. I'm totally frayed and all that beautiful young girl needed was her mom to grab her and say "Thank God!"
I completely messed up. Apologized up and down to her, telling her I was so scared of losing her and my emotions, they came out all wrong. I wasn't mad at her. She was so upset. I ended up crying over the whole thing at home. Then H came home, wanted to know what's wrong and gives me a friendly consoling hug. ugh.
I never cry in front of anyone. Now it seems that's all I do.
What kind of mom am I? sh**
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
Lost, please cut yourself some slack. I think you are being to hard on yourself.
Your try to keep your marriage alive and then experience a parental nightmare, losing your kid. You are stressed and will be for a while. I think crying is a healthy way to reduce stress. I cried more in 2015 then I did since I was a child.
I think your doing great with everything your up against. Take it day by day and breathe in the breath of a peaceful mind.
Lost, please cut yourself some slack. I think you are being to hard on yourself.
Your try to keep your marriage alive and then experience a parental nightmare, losing your kid. You are stressed and will be for a while. I think crying is a healthy way to reduce stress. I cried more in 2015 then I did since I was a child.
I think your doing great with everything your up against. Take it day by day and breathe in the breath of a peaceful mind.
Thank you. Your kind, supportive words mean so much.
I agree, I'm very stressed. IC mentioned signs of PTSD, but I'm not so sure. I think that should be reserved for those suffering truly traumatic events. But I do recognize my stress level is thru the roof.
I need to find ways to cope better with everyday life.
I'm taking the children to a new church today, near the apt.
Trying baby steps in goal setting
1. I will not cry during mass today 2. Laugh one time 3. Make sure the kids are ready for school tomorrow (will help lessen some stress)
oh, & try to practice PMA (SOOOO darn Hard!!!)
I hope you have an enjoyable Sunday!
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
Good Morning Lost, Again I think you are being to hard on your self as a mindset.
I think your IC my be right. Think of the stress your under, A man (your husband) may completely and possibly change you and your children's lives. This change may permanently affect the kids and you. This is not the behavior of the man you married.
Are you wiser then a emotionally removed mental health professional?
Assume IC is correct, wheres the harm in that. The stress will corrode all aspects of your life, waking and sleeping. You should find an outlet, exercise, meditation, a talking help group, a distraction, ect ect.
I go twice a week to a meditation class. I get out by myself, its my thing and nobody else's in the family. What we do there is great for my head, consider meditation.
Your right! Of course I'm not smarter than an objective professional. I guess I'm still fighting against this new reality. I take care of others for a living. It's what I do, who I am. Never the other way around.
Azzork and others have advised me to try to find something, a distraction, to GAL.
I'm having trouble with that right now. New apt./new town, unforgiving schedule etc. Where the children & I live moved is a local "island." Beach town if you will. I've asked around about yoga/exercise groups/any kind of groups. None right now - in about 2 weeks, everything shuts down completely. You would have to travel to the mainland for most anything.
A local woman told me this morning it gets pretty desolate! Yikes.
So, right now my schedule is something like up at 4/4:30 am, get the kids up and started for the day, leave them on their own to get to bus for school, drive over an hour commute to work for 6:40am, leave work in late afternoon to drive back to island to pick up kids, drive them to other towns for respective sports, return home around 9pm, have dinner, do chores and fall into bed.
Now I'll also have to find time to manage the house back in our original town.
I suppose meditation might work. I would prefer a group. I'm lonely and would like the company of other adults and the distraction from my surroundings that remind me of H and the loss of my M.
I did take up running in the last few weeks while H was here to be with kids, drive one or the other to sports, etc. When he leaves on Sat., things are going to get a little hairy.
I'm going to keep trying and looking. I did find a fitness class near D14 gymnastics. That would be once a week. Just don't have coverage for S12 yet.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
You live as a single mom now. I would burn out if I had your schedule. You need time for yourself. Between your marital situation and your workload you stressed out. Now you are going to live in a ghost town. This is not good for you.
I totally understand, GAL activities are not easy when you work and have children to take care of. Although no where near as difficult for me as I have my family here. Actually, based on your schedule it's really a question of how are you surviving, let alone Getting a life. I know how difficult it is this early in your situation. When my husband left, I was in limbo waiting to see if he would reconcile. Luckily I was pushed by a great support system to seek legal advise, to register kids in new school, get all the logistics going and preparing to live like a single mom. (Admittedly still in limbo land waiting to see if husband wants Reconciliation before pursuing what I have been advised to do) What keeps you on the island vs moving closer to a support system? Do the children have roots there? As a nurse, you are lucky to have flexibility to go anywhere. Can you car pool? Can you afford to hire someone to help with babysitting or housework or house maintenance? Do you have any family or friends that could possibly come for a month during this very difficult transition time? Any church or support groups in your area that help single moms? I would not be afraid to ask for as much help as possible at least for now. Can you perhaps take some vacation or family leave to adjust to a very traumatic event? (I am also in health field and I actually like the distraction work gives me) Also, please forgive yourself for losing temper with daughter. I suspect it happens more than any of us want to admit during these very stressful times. It's not fair. The WAS really wreaks havoc on the entire family unit! But I think your apology meant a lot to your daughter and was the right thing to do.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Ink ow how hard. Wry thing is and solely taking on the responsibility. My ex left when our only and first child was 6 months old. I had went back to work after having her per diem and had to switch to full time nights again( also taking care of others). Ex watched her on the nights I worked and I cared for her full time otherwise. Grabbing naps before a 13 hour night shift and driving 45 min to work. It was not easy. I eventually got daycare for her 2 days a week so I could sleep in between shifts.
It's a lot of responsibility and extremely overwhelming. I did 4 years of changing jobs until I finally landed on that worked and then I got laid off after 9months, but was fortunate to find a family friendly well paying position a year ago. It did take time, but I did figure it out, and I did make it. My daughter turned 8 today and when I look back I am sometimes amazed at all we made it through. And we are very happy and thriving. I eventually managed to fit consistent exercise in my schedule, a very good social life and I start school tomorrow going for my BSN.
I never thought I'd get from the scared 28 year old with a new baby to where I am today. I cried and cried and cried for a while. I was angry and bitter and full of self pity. I was very hard on myself too.
Now daughter sees her dad every other weekend and one night a week. I get a sitter when I need, and she has sleep overs at my best friends house. Wwe trade off kids and help each other out. I always had a hard time asking for help, but I ask and take help now and always pay back .
Your kids are a little older, at an age where they can even babysit, so if they are alone for a little I wouldn't be too hard on myself if you ran out handled what you needed. I can't wait until my daughter is a little older and I can run to the grocery store!
I also thought my daughter ran out of the house on a vacation. I didn't know my dad was walking the dog and they said she could go out with them. I freaked, scoured the area and yelled at her when she came back, and it wasn't even her fault. Then I apologized and hugged her to death. It's being a parent single or otherwise.
Go easy on yourself, please. I know you are in the thick of it, but you will come out the other side. I can promise it, even though it's hard to see now.
Sit down, figure out a plan, look for local resources to help you. You can do this. It will be ok
