New - Desperate & Confused, H won't end affair

[V2pt0]

Lisa,

Sorry you have found yourself here. It really is a (censored) place to be in, but this forum is a lifesaver.

Unfortunately, things will probably get worse before they get better with with your M and H. The good news is that things can start improving for you now if your put your focus on you and your S.

Just a few things. All cheaters lie, I would believe nothing your H is saying right now and only believe half of his actions. My H proceeded to lie to my face for 5 months telling me he had ended A. Not just little white lies, but elaborate made up stories. They will do anything to protect their fantasy when they are in the middle of their A. As are like drugs to an addict, so it will likely take him sime time to come out of his fog. Until he fully decides to stop A, be transparent, and have NC, there is little work you can do on your M. I am actually surprised that your MC will even work with you both if your H is still in A. Do they know?

The best thing I think you can do right now is start working on you by GAL, improving the issues you brought to M, focusing on your S. Your H needs to realize what he stands to lose if he continues A. You have been fired as his W as long as he continues what he is doing. I would definitely set boundary that you will not live on open marriage and you will not be his back up plan. I would not worry about playing the part of his wife right now. Let him figure out his own meals, laundry, etc. that does not mean be angry or rude. If you make a meal and he is home just act normal, but don't worry about texting if he will be home for dinner. Just start treating him as a neighbor or friend that is staying with you. Sandi!s rules are a good guideline for how to interact with your H right now. Since you are still living together and in same bedroom and there us active A, emotionally this is not going to be easy. I would read the detachment thread daily. This was the hardest part for me in my sitch.

The other thing I would do is talk to an L to get some initial advice about finances and D if it gets to that point, especially since your H lost his job. This this does not mean you want to D, but just a matter of informing yourself. I found out that if my H loses his job for any reason, including A (I am in a no fault state), I would have to pay him Maintainence. Most will give a free consultation. I think it will help you feel a little more empowered with the situation.

Can you tell us more about you M history? Has your H said why he sought out A? There have to be some things that were not going great. No M is perfect and we all have things to work on. This will help give you some direction on things to start working on with you.

Hang in there!