Last night, although he he told me the night before that he "had no plans" to meet the OW after his appointments for the day, and although he knew I thought he planned to be home with us, he went ahead and met up with the girlfriend anyway. This time was slightly different, in that usually he would send me a stilted, guilty text that he was going to meet up with her, but would qualify it by saying it would just be drinks with her and her friend, or something. And then later, he would guiltily text to say he was on his way to train station at like 10:45 or something.
This time, he said nothing. He merely told me at one point he was "wrapping up" with the last appointment with his friend, then radio silence. Even though I knew I shouldn't have, about an hour and a half later I texted him "still wrapping up?" Maybe half an hour later, he texted "I left Cheryl, Lisa" (Cheryl being the platonic friend he'd met with last). Meaning, I'm no longer doing just what I was supposed to and have elected to meet the OW anyway.
All I replied was that's fine, just didn't know how many pizzas to make but I'd figured it out. He didn't text me again. We have had some conversations about him at least not going totally silent on me even when he's with her, because sometimes there are things I need to know. Last night he was back to complete silence. By 12:30 am I still hadn't heard anything and I (probably stupidly) texted him to ask if he'd be coming home so I knew whether or not to lock the doors. He never answered. The latest he'd ever gone without texting me that he was on his way home was about 11:00, and one time not until 11:45.
He never did text. Although I heard him come home just a little bit before 1:00 am.
I am very guilty of trying desperately to read between the lines with him and figure out what he's thinking by watching his every move and trying to decipher his every word. I've learned that more than half the time, I'm wrong. So I keep telling myself not to do that anymore. Nevertheless, I can't help but feel that he intentionally behaved even worse than usual last night in an effort to force something to a head - to show me by his actions something that he can't bring himself to say: that's he's made his decision and it's her.
This, after us having gone to our first marriage counseling session the day before, and after him coming to a supposed tearful breakthrough the day before THAT - both with me and then to his therapist - that yes, he still really and truly believes that there is a lot left of our marriage and that it's worth fighting for.
It's as though he took all those things and willfully trashed them by going and spending the night with the OW. And I don't know what that means. Does it mean he's chosen her? Does it mean he's scared at the idea of trying with us again because he knows it means he'll have to end things with her and thus cut off this fantasy of his that there could be a better, more appealing path for his future?
I don't know how to act now. I tried to act as opposite as I could to how he would imagine me reacting. When he got home last night, he texted me from downstairs saying "I'm home, just to let you know." I just answered back lightly "Okay thanks, did you have a nice night?" He answered "Yes. I'll sleep on the couch." I answered "Okay, suit yourself. Good night." He immediately answered "Do you really want me to come up there?" I said "It's up to you, it's just sleep." He said, "Okay, I'll come up." And a few minutes later, he did. I had already been nearly asleep so lights were off. When he came in, I just said a light "Hi" and laid back down to fall asleep. We didn't talk.
This morning I got up early and am downstairs taking care of a few things and then will go work out in the basement. This is all very unlike my usual me. I am trying to act "as if" something, but what I don't know. I'm just trying to be different, for my own sake. But I don't know what I'm doing. Frankly, I don't WANT to talk to him about our relationship anymore, because first I don't want to hear about last night because he will tell me that he's come to some kind of decision, and two, I never believe him anymore anyway. His pendulum swings back and forth like a grandfather clock. He gets this way every time he sees her - like he has had the addiction fix spoken of in the Wandering Wife thread.
Now it's the weekend, and "typically" he will probably be home for much of it, which means he may get swayed back to thinking about his family and me. Although I don't know, he may believe he's made his big decision, so maybe he'll leave this weekend, I don't know.
