Flailing

[Lost08]

Such a mix of emotions these past few days. And the lack of sleep is not helping matters.

Yesterday, H called me at work to tell me he was probably gong to leave today on a new trip which would take him right up to the departure for his extended out of country trip slotted for next weekend. Really thru me for a loop. We have a packed weekend, with sports for the kids and TONS of work to do on the house so the contractor can come and finish up the major construction H has not been able to do. Plus, the kids don't even know yet that H is going to be gone until at least the end of December and this was to be the last weekend for them with their Dad for a long time. The thought of having to scramble for help with the kids and do all of this alone today...well, felt like such a weight on my chest.

I had no reserves left. I'm sure my initial tone revealed my unhappiness, but I tried to turn it around and tell him it was fine, it would be ok. Problem was, it wasn't fine and I fell apart after hanging up while at work. Was hanging on by a thread and my co-worker came up to me and kept asking questions and I just started crying.

I could hear in H's voice he was not happy about this trip-he seemed to feel so badly to be leaving me in the lurch again. And, while I cringe at seeing him feel sorry for me and I don't want to react to the guilt he seems to feel, I also realized more clearly how he does struggle with feeling stressed about leaving so much here for me to handle alone. H has said in the past that when he's away, he doesn't think he knows how to relax b/c he so often thinks about what's going on here at home - the 1 acre property left for me to keep up, the many undone remodeling projects that need to be finished, the overwhelming sports schedule that's hard enough to keep up with when 2 people are present...etc.

In my exhausted, overwhelmed state when trying to manage everything while he's away, I don't think I ever really acknowledged how hard this might also be for him. I've heard him say it's not always like a vacation and that he worries about us, but I think I brushed that aside as if it couldn't compare to what I was going thru. After all, I would have given anything to trade places and not have to carry the burden of working 2 & 3 jobs and managing our entire life at home.

I feel so sad, so regretful that I didn't give his concerns more credence.

His trip for this week is now cancelled and we have a 6 more days until he leaves. We spoke about it some last night and I tried to validate his feelings about travel, the ones I've brushed aside so many times. I hope I was able to do that alright. I hope he could see that I recognized it. I don't know if it's too late, but I'm hoping maybe it meant something to him.

Maybe it is too late in his eyes. Maybe he's already moved on so much in his heart with the OW.

I don't know what will happen when he returns to the other country. I still have these worries that she'll be the better one for him and not me. And that hurts beyond all measure. But, for a moment, I was able to want that happiness for him.

just for a moment, though. Selfishly, pride, ego, mostly heart - I still want him. I still want him to want me.

I have to go. D has been bugging me for the last 20 min. I am never alone. This is so hard. I can't even write without hiding in a closet. Oh, Lord. Give me strength.