Thank you Fogg, that was a really powerful response.
Especially in light of the fact that I was just served.
I know it changes nothing, I know about the stories of people getting served and coming out of it. I know all of it. It still [censored].
Just a dichotomy to have my W here laughing an hour ago, have her give me a big hug and then both of us laugh because she was more affectionate than she usually lets herself be. She playfully patted the back of my neck in a way that she used to whenever I had said something out of line in our M.
Yep, we shared an inside joke together for the first time in nine months. When she left, she sent me a text with an emoji kiss. And truthfully, I don't think she was doing all of this to appease me.
Then an hour later the process server showed up.
What a day.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Wow that has to be the pedulum swinging from one side of the emotional continuum to the other. The wrench between feeling connected emotionally and physically to being distanced and separated is so challenging at times. It takes me a concerted effort at times to remain balanced in thinking and feeling when these moments happen. I find my centre again, the peace of detachment. This is just another moment of NOW. Some days you just gotta let go and let God. Sitting here cheering for you PP!
PP, I wish I had words to help ease your burden tonight. Sending you love ((PP))
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
So sorry, PP. But I really like what Fogg said, and as I try to imagine your situation from this distance, it looks like you and your W are two people who each needed to be on your own to do the hard work of becoming the people you were each created to be. And you're both doing great, yes?
There is still lots of hope for you to R, but I would look at it this way: you might just need to see this separation through to its utter conclusion. Maybe you can't rush it. You have this wonderful 2016 plan too, right? A plan that you might just have to see through for the good of your growth and soul. As my good friend puts it, when you are on the 80 year plan (which is what she calls her marriage, since they insist divorce is not an option), what's a year or two of struggle, or separation, of whatever is needed to create a union that is built for the long haul?
If you're both doing so well, and continue to only get better? What an amazing new M you two might have. And if you don't R? Well, you already know you're going to be fine.
Still, I know it's hard. [censored] in the moment. Hang in there.
Hugs, Dif
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Sorry PP. On the disconnect between the being served & her behavior. She may feel that she is free & in control, which allows her to let her guard down & relax a bit. As she may see it, the decision is now behind her, and that is liberating. It can allow the S to let go of a lot of pent up stress and anger, etc. If so, it may be the thing she needed to allow the psychic space to just be herself around you. That would be a good thing.
Still, it is better to assume that you're going to end in D and be surprised I think. Just the cold odds.
That is not abandoning the "as if" exactly, as you still can act "as if" your next interaction is going to go well. "As if" you're going to be OK. "As if" you are going to improve your R in time, even if it isn't enough to save the M.
I'm feeling a bit of the kick in the gut right now myself because of W asking to meet Sat. to begin negotiations. Realized how much I still miss her and don't want her out of the center of my life. Takes a long time to get beyond that.
Hang in there.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Thank you everyone, your comments mean so much to me. Truly.
Last night was not one of the highlights of my life. I had the "this is ok, you knew this was coming and it really doesn't change much" conversation with myself about getting served. And then about an hour later was mass producing tears and snot in a ball on the bathroom floor. Not my finest hour.
Fortunately I reached out to my best friend and he talked me through it. Was good to get it all out. I think I've been holding on to that little bit of hope for the last 9 months and it's a bit exhausting.
I woke up at 4am this morning and had a lot of clarity around my M and my WAW. When she hugged me goodbye we catch her not breathing again and joked about it. Her reply was telling. She said, "It's like my being is bracing itself against getting hurt again." It was said half in jest, but it wasn't.
It hit home for me at the deepest level. I believe my W walked away from our M because she felt like it was the only option she had to stop being hurt. I had hurt her many times by lying, living a double life, being withdrawn, and more. She had her own issues, but I am responsible for the above - 100%.
I entered our M knowing full well that she would and could hurt me deeply. We'd broken up three times prior to getting M and all three times were her doing. I knew it in my soul that she had the ability to hurt me. Most of my bad behavior, withdrawnness, et all stemmed in large part as a way to mitigate against being hurt again myself. If I don't let her get to know me, she can't hurt me. If I'm stoned and drinking, I won't feel the fear of her hurting me. If I get lost in too much work, and too much distraction I don't have to worry about it. Intimacy was terrifying because it would inevitably lead her to leave, or to get to know me more which would push her out.
She entered our M and very quickly realized that I could hurt her too. That I would lie, that I would lie by omission, that I would detach and shut down. So she danced her own dance until it was just too painful.
Our whole M was about hurts, protecting ourselves from hurts, while trying to not hurt the other. Our whole separation has been so loving because neither of us are willing to admit how hurt we are or that we've hurt the other.
At least those are my thoughts for this morning.
Thanks again everyone.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I appreciate your confidence Lady V, but I believe the fat lady is walking to the stage with the microphone in her hand. I think now that my W has put the action in to motion legally, she feels like she can breathe a bit more which is odd. She's told me she's happy to share our dog until January when she thinks either a judge will award him to her, or I'll be moving out of the area.
Today she sent me the following TM in response to me telling her that I was hurt by all of what we're going through, and knew that she was hurting too.
"Thank you for your heart felt words. I TRUST that everything will be as its meant to be. Makes it a lot easier to let go of ALL attachments. I know we'll look back one day and giggle together about our journey. (emoji heart)"
The also thanked me for taking good care of our dog.
Is it positive? Sure. But it's also following up me getting served and her retaining a lawyer. I believe she can open up now because she doesn't feel threatened that communicating with me will have an effect on her decision. She can't put herself back into a position where I can hurt her. (mind reading I know, but I read her well at this point)
Mixed night again. I hope everyone has a peaceful weekend.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
