New - Desperate & Confused, H won't end affair

[Zues126]

I kept asking my husband for space and time to wrap my mind around all the changes...he honored neither request. I decided I just couldn't deal with not being able to have time to grieve or move on, and the shocks just kept coming....not just one OW, but several!

I finally lost it last night and yelled at him, I admit to some name calling. He finally left me alone. Today, I decide I'm no longer going to be a doormat. I have no interest in letting him walk all over me while he actively pursues his new life. Told him I was moving his things out of the master bedroom. That is when I got the short but sweet "I'm gone" text. 20 years, just like that.

I've been crying a lot today - but at least I finally have privacy to do it in. He may not be back....I decided that I will handle that. Much better than the emotional torture he's been putting me through.

This is your choice, but if you think you will be just fine with or without him, tell him you have no interest in being in an open marriage. Make him decide. Best advice I got. :-)

I don't have an issue with setting a boundary such as wanting some privacy and not wanting to share a bed if he's refusing to end an A. Still, the idea of 'making him decide' doesn't seem to fit DB principles.

While it can feel good to go from victim to 'empowered' while listening to 'I'm a survivor' on the ipod, and it can feel better to be taking bold action rather than just being trodden on, and it can feel better to be raging and vengeful than hurt and timid...the satisfaction of delivering that ultimatum is short lived. The consequences of a lost M take many years to recover from. Whether you ended with rage, or with tears, or both.

While nothing can eliminate the pain, it does help to be able to look back at your behavior during the breakdown and know that you acted consistently with your core beliefs. My belief is that M is forever, that it is through better or for worse, and that regardless of your spouse's behavior you have to do your half the way God wants you to. My behavior towards STBX has changed quite a bit over the last year based on the reality of the decisions she's made, but I at least know that I did my best to follow the road that I felt was the best for my family. All of the big decisions I made were after prayer, reflection, posting, and guidance from my DB Coach, IC, and L. I don't know that I'd want to live with the guilt or regret from taking things into my own hands.