Thank you both. Jenny, the first two weeks I could barely eat a thing. I have been doing everything I can, though, to nourish my soul and force myself to get moving. To the extent I can, I've been trying to keep moving. Even he and I together have done some reasonably "normal" things, like taking our son to a movie, running some errands together, etc. And I've been reading, reading, reading - anything to improve myself, my mood, heal my heart.
My problem now is that I truly need advice on what I'm supposed to be doing.
I've been reading through some of the resources listed in Cadet's post. The one I am finding most helpful is "For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife". This is the kind of information I feel I really need help with right now - is there a similar post for a LBW with a Wayward Husband? Some of the article applies nicely to my situation, while I believe others are different due to gender differences and how things are generally handled.
For instance, H is currently sleeping in our (large) bed, at my request. He has asked me all along what I wanted him to do, where I wanted him to sleep. At first we were having him pretend to fall asleep on the couch, but last week our son heard us fighting and asked me the next morning why I was yelling at dad. He looked stricken. Together we told him that the stress of dad losing his job was going to make us both emotional at times, and sometimes we might fight, but that we loved him and not to worry. After that, I told H to come back to the bedroom.
The current situation is that we are civil, even somewhat loving. There is just the simple matter of him not knowing whether he wants to remain married or not. Oh yeah, that. At first it was simply about the affair and his refusal to end it because he thought he wanted to leave me for her. Now it has shifted to where I think he is really just weighing the value of our marriage.
Still, though, his affair is continuing. Although they don't get to see each other a tiny fraction of what they had been used to, they do continue to communicate. I know they text regularly, if not constantly. Because he worked in the city, and because he is not meeting with several headhunters and networking with other people each week, he heads into the city semi-regularly. And I know that he does, if he gets the chance, goes to see her and they will go out like a date.
I know this sounds ridiculous, but early on I asked him if he could at least do me the courtesy of not sleeping with her while we were figuring this stuff out. As recently as yesterday he told me that he has upheld that promise. I am well aware that he is a masterful liar now, so who knows, but in reality I am aware of how much time he has been able to spend there. He has been painfully honest about a great many other things (he says he is determined to turn over a new leaf as far as character and integrity, no matter how things end up), so I am inclined to believe he has not had sex with her since this all blew up.
Either way, though - knowing that my husband has a girlfriend, and allowing it to continue in any capacity at all without taking some kind of stand, is absolutely messing with my head. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm trying to give him his space and all that, but it's making me feel like a desperate doormat ... "Pick me! Pick me!" Ugh.
I have noticed what was mentioned in that Wandering Wife post to be true of him as well - the addiction to the feeling of being with the OW. He and I have several times made great strides (well, I thought - now I know not to believe words) in sorting things out. And then he goes into the city for a couple of interviews, and then he will somewhat guiltily but mostly flatly tell me that he is going to be meeting her for a while. He will tell me it's not alone, he is meeting her and a friend for drinks, blah blah. That is his way of being up front and communicative with me. I try not to react too much, but it's almost impossible. Once he gets in her presence, it's like he is bewitched. This woman is 20 years younger, and she is stunning. Like, model beautiful. I honestly think a part of him can't believe he landed someone so hot. And he thinks she's a marvelous human being as well.
What am I to do with that? Just allow my husband to date while he figures things out?
A few days ago I had my own epiphany and decided that yes, even though I will feel like I'm dying, I can survive without him. That made me slightly less afraid. And I'm to the point where I'm just sick of this so-called indecision. But I have read two different approaches to handling my situation - mostly, do I just pull back emotionally and let him remain here at home, or do I actually kick him out and lose the "home advantage"?
Even today - he had a couple of meetings in the city. He told me last thing last night that no, he did not have plans to see the OW today. Careful choice of words, mind you. He didn't say he WOULDN'T see her. His last appointment was at 3:00 with someone. He sent me a text about 20 minutes ago updating me about the latest info from his employment attorney who is dealing with his separation from his job. That was it - nothing about coming home as planned, nothing. The plan was that we would be making homemade pizza tonight. I am fully prepared for him to confess any minute now that he is going to see the OW after all. If that happens, he will not be home until anytime from 9:00 to midnight. And I will have to lie once more to our son to cover for him.
How did I get here? One month ago I was totally deluded into thinking my marriage was pretty good.
