You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
You didn't give a lot of history but if she left to get some "space" and now is coming back into the marital home, I would definitely want to find out details of the affair and whether she was still in contact.
Letting her come home with no consequences is sending her a message that she can get away with this kind of behavior whenever she wants. Does she seem remorseful at all? If she's not crying and begging you for forgiveness, promising to do anything it takes to save your M, then I would be highly suspect.
It's likely that the A is still ongoing or that she will have another one in the near future. You need to get honest details and put a stop to this now. Take it from a guy who let his WW pull these stunts for nearly 5 years. In the end I find out she has been with 4 OM and left me for the most recent one. You don't want to end up like me. Make your W earn her way back.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Sorry finding it hard to give history as the pain is still raw.
Tbh its me doing all the crying and pleading but meeting up tomorrow for the first time after the BD. I'm can understand the affair As we'd somehow been sexless for 2 years and I don't know it happened I've a low sex drive but still naively thought she was happy
Crying and begging will only turn her colder. Have you read Divorce Remedy? If not, get it ASAP. In the meantime, read those links Cadet sent. It will help you a lot.
Your W has probably lost respect for you as a man, b/c that's what wayward wives do. Your job is to show inner strength. Stand firmly on your beliefs, morals & principles. Do not compromise your values just to get her back.
Don't pursue her. Your marriage doesn't stand a chance until she ends the A. All you need to know about it is if she's still in contact with OM. If any contact, then she's involved emotionally, at least.
What are your ages, and ages of your kids?
The more information, the better we can help.
I hope you'll stick with us and post a lot.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Your W has probably lost respect for you as a man, b/c that's what wayward wives do.
I believe the above quote might have been written wrong or it's just plain mean (and wrong). Your wife is in no way wayward because she lost respect for you. She's wayward because of something wrong and corrupt within her. Then, in order to justify and rationalize being wayward, the wayward spouse will decide they no longer love you and will proceed to walk all over you. At that point....if you simply continue to allow it and condone it....THEN they lose respect for you too.
Not having sex for 2 years is a precondition that made your wife (and you, for that matter) particularly vulnerable towards having an affair but it neither "caused it" nor "excuses it". There are many much more healthy ways your wife could have pursued to address, fix or resolve the issues of being unhappy in your marriage INCLUDING divorcing you (if she's not a Christian) without seeking the adulterous attentions of another man. HER lack of character and lack of proper relationship skills has now BLOWN the issues in your marriage sky high. That's on her...not you.
BTW - her seeking "space" is code for time to go see the other man. Wherever she is (or was...if she's home now)....she is/was with her new love interest. Next time she needs space offer to clear some room in the basement or garage.
NOW, as I said....to simply stand by and allow her to continue to knowingly pursue her affair in your face. That is a behavior that will cause you wife to truly lose respect for you if you condone it without significant protest. Unfortunately, you can't actually control her....but you can't just be afraid to say anything and bury your head in the sand hoping she's really not out with some other guy. DB has some specific strategies that many of us have used to successfully save our marriages. I tend to be a more aggressive DB'er whereas others are more passive. I just think betrayed men need to fight for their families and really get in there and TRY to save their wives versus merely just "standing" aside and waiting. Either way....stop the begging and the "i love you's". It's not helping.
Your wife is wayward. Don't look to her for honesty anymore. Her allegiances are to this other man and if he's married she's not going to tell you who he is. You may need a voice activated digital voice recorder hidden around the house or in her car to discover for yourself what AND WHO you are up against. Buy it with cash and don't let anyone know you are using or used it. After you get the information you need....return it to the store for your cash back. Don't get caught as then the arguments will all revolve around "how dare you record me" versus the real issue of her adultery.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
She admitted the affair was 3 years ago and she has no contact with him now at all it was purely for sex and no emotion the bit that hurt the most was it lasted 2 years I had no idea.
We've talked about her coming back but she's not sure if she can ever want sex with me again though she loves me.... If she comes home should she share our bed or should one of us have the spare.
I want to save our family feel if we work together we can overcome. I said I wanted to end this marriage but have a new one with her.
We've talked about her coming back but she's not sure if she can ever want sex with me again though she loves me.... If she comes home should she share our bed or should one of us have the spare.
Many WW's lose the sexual attraction for the LBH. If you take her back on the condition she sleeps in a separate room, the chances of her having another A (just for the sex) is pretty high, don't you think?
I know you must feel panicked and want desperately to save your family. Ask yourself if you are willing to have a platonic MR.
I believe respect & attraction affects the MR, and if she is not feeling it right now..........would you have any ideas of what you could do? This is where you take a deep heart searching evaluation of yourself and try to see yourself from her viewpoint. Then, set some small, attainable goals to change yourself to be better.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
