H pointing out the food thing seems a bit strange. This is the second time he has done something like this. Just curious, does he often show compulsive behavior.
Many times when a person has compulsive tendencies and they are not aware of it they become rude or demeaning. Sometimes they become upset because they feel you are intentionally being careless. This can be misinterpreted as controlling or just being an a-hole all the time.
It is kind of normal for him. He gets annoyed and upset (by which I mean he grumbles and complains and then sulks and withdraws - he's very rarely explosive in his anger and I never feel in danger from him) by a variety of minor things - shoes being left untidy at the door, if I use a fresh mug for tea and don't wash and re-use the old one, if I don't get all the hair out of the bathroom plughole.
I do genuinely forget some of his preferences - he likes one of the downstairs doors left open at night, the other open - so the cats can move about the house but not get into the kitchen. He's probably told me a hundred times. And I still genuinely forget - but he seems to believe that I do it on purpose.
I think because a lot of his work is domestic and to do with the house he's clearly going to care more about it - or notice it more - than I would. I also think he believes that these minor domestic mistakes are acts of disrespect on my part. For me - well, I do try, but I am a human being and I resent being on edge and having to walk on eggshells in my own house. There's not much consultation either - his way of doing things is the only right way and because the silent treatment is pretty painful for me, it is often easy to just stick to the 'rules'.
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Your husband trying to control you in that way is not acceptable and I think you need to set some boundaries for him, one being not to talk to you like that at any time let alone in front of the children. Boundary setting is not covered in any depth in the DR book (someone correct me if I am wrong) but there is plenty on the net about it. You did however deal with the situation well today, the next step is to stop it happening again and being confident about what to do if it does and that's where boundaries come in.
I've read a fair bit about boundaries and from what I understand - boundaries are in place to control me and not him. I can't stop him doing or saying anything. But I've thought a lot about my own personal boundaries. I have some 'rules' for myself.
I don't let people shout at me, call me names or otherwise verbally abuse me. I don't allow people to talk to me sarcastically.
If these things happen, I end the conversation - leaving the room or the house if it comes to that.
I don't join in with passive aggressive games. I don't allow myself to verbally abuse other people.
If I need cooling down time, or time alone, I take it - but I tell the other person what is happening so they don't feel walked out on or abandoned. I return to the conversation when I am able to act like an adult.
I ask for what I want clearly and calmly and I accept no for an answer gracefully.
This is what I have so far - they came from the work I did in IC last year and in my recovery from PTSD. They've served me well so far but can always be added to.
I teach English Language at graduate level.
Anyway - thanks for this. LOADS of food for thought.
