One more update. Let him know I was moving his stuff into the office this weekend. Long stretch of silence. Then, "do you want to discuss anything yet" Me, "no." H: "ok"
I'm feeling so much more like myself! I didn't make this choice, HE did. He can deal with the fallout.
He works from home. I just felt the text was a bit dramatic, so wanted to clarify. Usually, he would be gone for the weekend and show up for work. Kind of falling apart right now, but at least I have privacy to do it.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Oh, boy. Thought my H was acting irrational. I know how surprising it is too find out about A, especially when your H was cheated on. Exactly my case as well. I would have never have thought it would be something he would do. So, was this all prompted by a fight or something? Has your H specified what he has been unhappy about in your M with you? You need to spend some reflecting on what changes you need to focus on for you.
I know you are in a bit of a frantic time right now, but you do not need to let your H control the situation. If he wants to freak out he can. Let him deal with getting the paper work for D to file. He is the one that wants to D. Take the time you need to regroup. You don't need to respond to every email or text.
Dif us right. You need to know and realze quickly that there is no sense trying to rationalize with your H. I still find myself trying to do this sometimes just because it is impossible not to with some of the $h!7 comes out of their mouth. My H refused to move out too and said he could have whoever he wanted in our home, including OW. He sees absolutely nothing wrong with what he did. This is the same person who was still telling me he loved me and that he couldn't of gotten where he is without me the month before BD. Now I did not support him at all and our entire M was passionless and horrible. You cannot fix what you did not break.
Good for you for moving his things out. You need some space. I bagged up my H's things and put in garage. He was livid as well. My H did not want me to use L either, but I was not going to listen to that with the way he was acting. Definitely find L as soon as you can.
Keep strong and keep posting. It would be good to have more details on your am history.
Last edited by BT13; 09/11/1507:38 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Yes, he did tell me why he was so unhappy. There was a kernel of truth in his complaints. I've struggled with health issues for years, along with the accompanying depression. There were times I just gave up. I have acknowledged that he was right about much of it, and apologized.
The problem is that he has rewritten our entire marriage. Lots of ALWAYS and NEVER statements. He hasn't been happy for years, that kind of thing. I remember it differently. I acknowledge, though, that living with a sick, depressed spouse with good days and bad days was no picnic.
On his end, he constantly criticized me attempting to motivate me. He loved to loom over me and scream in my face. I just shut down. Being told about things I often couldn't control just demoralized me.
He's irritated with me because NOW I've realized to what extent I just stopped trying. I've learned I can do much more than I realized. Daily walks are truly helping with attitude. Prayer is helping with PMA. Too little, too late. He believes the only thing he did was communicate poorly.
He went and got a whole new life that excluded me. He loved it.
In his mind, and he's told our children, this situation is all my fault. I should have acted sooner. I should have, but I had no idea how unhappy he was. Now I do. I wasn't very happy, either. I asked last year if we could go to counseling. He refused.
We both screwed up, honestly. I'm so tired of being torn down, I'm getting to the point I don't care. I'm just working on me, one day at a time.
The thing that Ive really hated the most going through this experience is right there in your last post. That feeling that the WS gets that we, the LBS, are their ENEMY. That feeling that they express that WE have been holding them back for years, that we have made them SO incredibly unhappy, that they HAD to go out and find someone else.
There is nothing you can do about it, but take away their need to see you as the enemy. Stop feeding them reasons to hate you. They have plenty built up in their mind already...no reason to add to them. But, we still need to protect ourselves - so sometimes we have to choose.
What you need to remember is that this...all of this...is not about you. Its about HIM. It never was your job to make him happy. It is his job It always was his job. And he will learn that sooner or later.
So for now, keep your focus on you. Follow the steps in DR. Youll come out on top with or without him.
