As B said, this is a good framework. But how will you know if you succeeded. What will you look for on Sept 30 to know if you accomplished these? What actual behaviors will you DO?
I'm not sure I understand. I think these goals are specific, actual behaviours - about giving complements and appreciation, about keeping a cheerful disposition, etc. I guess I will know if I have done them, because I'll have done them. I'm sorry, there's obviously something I'm missing.
But yes, I take your point about the other list being too far ahead of where I am now. I need to think about that more. I stayed up and read Huddy's posts last night and I plan to re-read chap 3 of DB tonight so I hope that will help. I will give it more thought - and I am really grateful for your suggestions, and for your pushing me - I'm not trying to be obstructive. I just don't think I've fully got hold of the concept yet. But I will. Give me time.
As for today.
Well, I achieved all my goals. I was happy and cheerful and appreciated the work DH is doing around the house. He really is working hard - there are a few cosmetic maintenance type things that need sorting out before the estate agent comes round next week, and he's been working really really hard on getting them done without help from me - I've been marking papers today. So I cooked him lunch (not usual for me) and said how much I appreciated him taking control of this aspect of the house sale prep and what a weight it was off my mind knowing he was in charge of it. He thanked me for the lunch but went into another room to eat it. I didn't follow him or comment on that - which is a change for me.
There have been some moves and changes on his part too. He told me today he was worried about the house sale, and he thought it had been affecting him. I said I could understand why he was stressed. (Inwardly - it just seems like one more excuse to me - we've only been talking about selling the house for six months, and his cold behaviours towards me are not new). He cooked our evening meal and I went into the kitchen afterwards to clean up and wash up.
After that, he asked me to come back into the kitchen. He stood over me and pointed out some food caught in the drainer of the sink. He wasn't shouting or aggressive, but he was cold, critical and treating me like a child. I said I'd try to remember better next time and walked away. He followed me and kept on saying, 'will you remember, will you remember?'. I said, 'I believe I've already answered that question,' and left the room.
I'm not sure if that was good or not. I've been working really hard on figuring out how he needs me to show respect to him. I think the appreciation has made a difference to him. It is early days, of course. But I also can't be disrespected like that in front of my children - talked to like I'm stupid, or like a kid. I can't get into conversations where I'm being brow-beaten and berated - it doesn't scare me but it does upset me and it is a behaviour that disgusts me, and which damages my esteem for him.
It is almost as if he thinks that my respecting him would look the same way as the kind of respect we require our children to show to him. I really don't feel like he sees me as a partner. I've come up to my room to read. He's downstairs with his headphones on again. I'm not hiding. Tonight I actively don't want to be around him. This is the new normal for us.
Right. I am off to read. Tomorrow I have GAL with the kids planned during the day and GAL with a friend (female) in the evening. I have no idea what he has planned and I haven't asked him so he can feel free to do what he likes.
