Finally asking for help:

[Solo15]

Yeah, good advice Vanilla. Gotta bottle it all up. Keep my head on straight.

Thanks for checking in on me mutatio. It's been a tough couple of days but I'm generally ok.

W is still being very pleasant. Went over a couple days ago to see the kids. She was feeling sick, so when I went over I brought her some soup. She kissed my cheek when she saw it. We hugged goodbye and spent some time talking. Nothing about R, but just general stuff.

I honestly don't like how this is going. It makes me feel weird. She just does whatever she feels. I find it all very confusing. Like really really so. I mean, if I were to be physical with someone, it would have a romantic backing. But for her, it's like she can do these kinds of things and not feel. How do you not feel for someone. It's such a blurry line. The last two years have been just this constant feeling of never being able to trust in progress.

It's like she's hardened her heart to me, and there is just nothing I can possibly do to break through the ice. That being said, it at least appears that she is opening up to the idea, but I have no way of knowing.

A healthy couple should be able to forgive, to communicate intentions, etc. What I really believe is that she just takes the parts that she enjoys(it used to be sex), and not have the closeness, intimacy, commitment, or anything else. That's why I have to be so careful. I can't get back into that place where she was torturing me with hope.

I've just no tools to work with in a relationship where I have romantic feelings for someone who doesn't share them, but sometimes acts that way. Ugh.