PP 2.0 - PigPen & The WAW (7)

[PigPen]

Thank you everyone, your comments mean so much to me. Truly.

Last night was not one of the highlights of my life. I had the "this is ok, you knew this was coming and it really doesn't change much" conversation with myself about getting served. And then about an hour later was mass producing tears and snot in a ball on the bathroom floor. Not my finest hour.

Fortunately I reached out to my best friend and he talked me through it. Was good to get it all out. I think I've been holding on to that little bit of hope for the last 9 months and it's a bit exhausting.

I woke up at 4am this morning and had a lot of clarity around my M and my WAW. When she hugged me goodbye we catch her not breathing again and joked about it. Her reply was telling. She said, "It's like my being is bracing itself against getting hurt again." It was said half in jest, but it wasn't.

It hit home for me at the deepest level. I believe my W walked away from our M because she felt like it was the only option she had to stop being hurt. I had hurt her many times by lying, living a double life, being withdrawn, and more. She had her own issues, but I am responsible for the above - 100%.

I entered our M knowing full well that she would and could hurt me deeply. We'd broken up three times prior to getting M and all three times were her doing. I knew it in my soul that she had the ability to hurt me. Most of my bad behavior, withdrawnness, et all stemmed in large part as a way to mitigate against being hurt again myself. If I don't let her get to know me, she can't hurt me. If I'm stoned and drinking, I won't feel the fear of her hurting me. If I get lost in too much work, and too much distraction I don't have to worry about it. Intimacy was terrifying because it would inevitably lead her to leave, or to get to know me more which would push her out.

She entered our M and very quickly realized that I could hurt her too. That I would lie, that I would lie by omission, that I would detach and shut down. So she danced her own dance until it was just too painful.

Our whole M was about hurts, protecting ourselves from hurts, while trying to not hurt the other. Our whole separation has been so loving because neither of us are willing to admit how hurt we are or that we've hurt the other.

At least those are my thoughts for this morning.

Thanks again everyone.

PP