I know the main advice here is to GAL and Detach so we are not so hurt by everything but i know the ultimate goal for many of us is to reconcile. seems counterproductive and i know it wont make sense either.I am willing to move forward with the S and have us live separately but i am doing in hope of something changing after we are not in the same house. this is probably not what i am supposed to do, but something in my head is still telling me she will wake up one day and say "oh crap" what did i do.
Man I know what you mean. I keep thinking that she must have hit her head somewhere or its pre-menopause or she is depressed and its the drugs. I keep day dreaming and thinking that this is all just a bad dream. Sometimes I stop what I am doing and realize - holy crap this is actually happening.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
Just read through your sitch. I realize that there is no proof of an OM here, but based on how you describe your W's actions, I would be surprised to find out that she wasn't, at the very least, interested in someone. She's acting an awful lot like a WW. And the actions of a WW make no sense at all, to anyone but her. She will be putting herself and her feelings at the center of every decision. She will be all over the place emotionally, from one minute to the next, and you won't be able to make sense of it. You can assume that about 90% of everything out of her mouth is a lie. It's a tough thing to deal with, but following the advice you've been given here is your best shot, especially from the vets like Sandi. She is the resident expert on WW behavior. Sounds like you're handling things well so far. Keep it up, and good luck. You've probably got a long ways to go before anything starts to change.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Sandi after listening to the others on here about the behavior of my wife and her push to make something happen for the separation my mind is racing about the OM being more and more likely. I have told myself that i believe her that there is not and couldnt really see when she would find the time, but i know if there is a will there is a way. I also want to believe that she is just really looking to be by herself as well. I know that i could probably resort to methods of finding out,cheeseless tunnels, but i am curious if it would help me detach more knowing there is something else going on other than what she is telling me. I am not sure if my feelings would still be the same towards her after all of the lying she has done.
On the topic of her seeing me going out and leaving her at home, i understand your point. I guess my reservation is this, I do not see her spending any quality time with the children, she just acts like she is too busy or is agitated with them. She spends hours getting ready to go places when she is with them. She will take them to the gym and leave them in child care while she is there. I do not want them suffering through this. this is why I am giving them all of my time. My D7 has already been making comments about W not doing things with them and she is always yelling and mean. she says she is always going with friends and if they ask her to do something she always says yes. these are not my words but a 7 year old. the other thing is if we go down the separation road and my daily contact with them is limited then i am not sure how i will handle that.
Thank you all for your thoughts and time. I will check in on all of your threads and Sandi i will be reading everything you have said over and over.
thanks
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Tough night. My D7 basically told me she is not happy with W always doing my things with friends and going out all the time. She said she wants her old mommy back. I told her she loves her very much. She said I know but she acts like it sometimes then ignores her for the phone a lot. Difficult to hear.
Is W acting this way because of me? Or is she just unhappy in general?
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I just feel every time I try to move forward and show a different attitude she brings something up to test me. I fought every urge to ask questions or talk and left it at I would let her know after the appointment. I get emotional when she does this but stayed calm in front of her. I also sense she is rushing something formal to let her move on to someone she has waiting. I know there is nothing in a do about that if so. It still hurts. Anyone seen the pattern before though on every time I feel at peace and dealing with things and detaching myself more from her she tries to shake me up? I know true detachment would t care and I know I am not there yet.
All of this is so common in threads here on the board, that it leads us to think there is another person waiting in the wings. Whenever I see a woman who wants to get out without using lawyers, etc., I wonder if she sees it as a route to superimpose what she wants over what is fair. It happens while the H is still shocked and in terrible pain, and many men will give the W whatever she wants. Later, he sees how he should not have allowed it.
My advice is to protect yourself and your children. In most of these cases we see on the board, the W (at this point) is out for herself and no longer has the mindset of the woman he once knew & loved.
To me, one of the big flags is when the W appears to have lost her motherly love or emotional attachment to her children. All of her attention is directed on herself. Her caring attention and attitude toward them has apparently flipped and the poor little kids know it. They don't understand that their mother is in the Twilight Zone.
As strange as it seems, whenever she senses you pull away (detaching), she will test you. We call it emotional temperature check. She is checking to see if you are still emotionally attached to her. When she feels secure in knowing you are attached, then she turns away no longer interested. However, the more she sees that she cannot tempt or test you, the more interested she becomes (no matter how she may be acting or what she says). She begins to wonder if she has messed up and gone too far, b/c it seems to her that she is really losing you.
As long as she can have another man and keep her H attached, she will continue the craziness. Feeling that she's lost her H will usually get her undivided attention and maybe start to wake her up. So, detach, detach, detach.
This may sound like foolish nonsense to you, IDK. However, it is the mindset of a woman like you've described your W. You cannot reason with her b/c she is not logical. Even if you have a good heart to heart talk.........it won't hold. She will be right back in the Twilight Zone again.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
thank you for the reassurance Sandi. I agree with everything you say. it is just so hard. I have been really doing my best lately while living in the same house. I have not initiated interaction than the polite pleasantries. I have talked about the separation as calmly and business like as possible. I havent been doing all of the things for her i have in the past or rushed to accomodate her.
As far as pulling away from the kids, I know it is not really my fault but is my absorbing myself in them to make sure they are ok keeping her away from them because she does not want to spend time with me?
On the point of handling the separation without lawyers, I can not believe she thinks i am that simple. Funny thing is i can treat that part like any other business deal. I am not letting on that i am using an attorney but i do have one that is going to go through everything with me for my interest and the children.
check back later with more, have a DB coaching session!
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
As far as pulling away from the kids, I know it is not really my fault but is my absorbing myself in them to make sure they are ok keeping her away from them because she does not want to spend time with me?
No, not at all. If she really wanted to spend time with her kids, you couldn't stop her if you tried. Unfortunately, it is the mindset of a WW. And btw, a WW knows right from wrong! No matter what you did, she still makes her own choices out of a free will. That goes double for any relationships she decides to have.
You can only own your share of the breakdown in the MR. Do not take the blame for what she does or doesn't do. Oh, she may point her finger at you, but that's when you need to apply the rule about not believing what she says.
Very wise decision getting a lawyer!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
i really think she is doing emotional checks with me. I have not been calling or texting her about anything and i think it has got to her. She called me today to tell me that one of her private dance lessons canceled today so i didnt need to rush to get the kids. she knew i was taking them with me and needed to leave at the same time either way if there was a lesson or not. I answered and told her just that, "it doesnt realy affect me because i have to leave by a certain time" I was polite then asked how my s4 was. finally said ok great, good bye.
I need to stop over thinking everything and reading into things because this entire post could be nothing!!
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
will do. had an interesting evening with everything last night. not long ago i gave one of her best friends a job at one of my restaurants on a managament level. I knew today was her bday. last night while we were both working she tells me " i want you to know that I invited you to my bday dinner". I told her that W had not mentioned anything about it or even her going. She then also proceeded to tell me that her and W's other best friend are on my side in all of this. I was kind of shocked to hear her say this. I told her thank you but at this point i have exhausted efforts and just need to be able to let go.
Later the wife and kids came in to eat and the wife brought up the dinner with no mention of me going. Just to make sure that i was able to be with kids. She does not know that i knew about it. Later on the friend conitued to tell me she told W that she likes me and would hang out with me as friends and doesnt care if she doesnt like it. very strange to hear.
Now all of her family and friends have told me the same thing about how they feel on the S. all on my side.
Also i found out she hasnt gone further with trying to meet with person to help with Separation agreement after i gave her contact info. My immediate fortune telling or mind reading begins to think she is seeking out an atty.
all for now.
I appreciate all of the help and looking to check in on some other threads soon.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
