Where do I go from here? pt. 2

[beckyb]

I would be interested in hearing from someone who's spouse moved in with OP and then still saw positive movement. Thinking about giving up on DB coaching all together and moving the D forward quickly.

Snooping and a does of reality. I found I still have access to H's phone account. I haven't looked in a month or so. Based on what I saw I'm pretty sure OW has moved from NJ to MO and is living with him or living very close by. I think this the dose of reality I need.

[beckyb]

BT13, I'm starting to think it would be better to move the divorce forward myself - go ahead and submit my settlement proposal. I don't know how I can possibly detach while I am still in limbo. Some of his stuff is still at my house, his mail is still coming there, we have joint bank accounts that need to be closed. So many things tying us together - and all of it weighing on me.

I think my situation is pretty hopeless anyway. Probably best to move on but it's really hard.

[V2pt0]

Becky,

Only you know what is right for you, but here are some things to think about. The thing about your sitch is that your H has moved out and he is doing his thing away from your home. That will make it easier to detach. I was living with my H and the A was happening in my home. When I confronted H he refused to move out or stop A, so that and a few other things is why I filed.

In your case you have some space and you do not have children, so I am not sure you necessarily need to rush through D. You can use the time to work on yourself. If the OW has just moved in with your H, things are about to get more real and the fantasy phase might start to wear off. Why not give that some time to happen while you focus on you? You will be in a much clearer space after a few months and more ready to survive D in a healthier space. In the meantime, maybe things head south with H and OW. Either way you are using the gift of time and moving forward with your life. You don't need D to do that. Part of me wishes I did not file quite yet., but I can always find way to delay. I would look into protecting your finances if that has not happened.

Just my two cents!n

[Avanti]

You really are going through a dark time beckyb, life must be very hard for you right now. There is hope, you have simply got to find your way to it.

Let's suppose you do go ahead and drop DB coaching and push ahead with the D, how is that going to change how you feel? Will you feel worse, better or the same?

You are allowing yourself to feel powerless and you are far from that, you said yourself that maybe you need to take control by slowing things down, why not do that? Who gains from that? You do, so what if it ticks off your H, why do you have to please him, he's doing nothing to please you, so be a bit selfish, he's been doing just that for quite a while now.

As BT13 said give yourself some time to really think and get those thoughts positive before you start making any decisions, any made while you are feeling down will undoubtedly become those you most regret in the future.

[beckyb]

BT13, Definitely something to think about. I actually filed for a legal separation to get him to move out. He countered filed for a divorce. I have stalled for over a month. I'm going to submit my financial information and then wait for him to make the next move. We don't have a court date yet, nor has he submitted any kind of settlement proposal, although we verbally agreed to most things. H is usually a procrastinator but I don't think he'll wait long. Divorce can happen very fast in my state.

My assets are protected so I'm not worried about that.

I'm going to focus on getting the house ready to sell. That is something that has to be done no matter what, and it will help me feel like I'm moving on.

[beckyb]

Beagley, I don't exactly feel powerless. Mostly just conflicted. I am a control freak and it was a issue with our marriage. It is a big 180 for me to just let things go and wait for H to make a move. I need to find a balance between letting go of control and being a doormat.

My friends and family are constantly telling me I need to move forward, make him get all his stuff out etc. I don't even tell them I'm DBing any more.

[beckyb]

An update. After talking with lawyer and DB coach I decided to go ahead and submit my financial forms to the court. I gave them to the lawyer last month we just hadn't turned them in. Next step is up to H. DB coach said, like many others, it's ok to go at my own pace. I am also going to be more vocal and specific about what H needs to get out of the house and what I need to happen with bank accounts.

DB coach helped me understand that the very small positive signs I thought I saw did happen, even if OW has moved here. He also said it's interesting that he actually called me to talk about the divorce rather than text. H never calls about anything. Coach also said, like others have said, if OW has moved here it might not be as rosy as they thought.

DB coach always tells me to make decisions as if H was already out of the picture. He said if H comes back to his old self we might have a chance to reconnect. I believe that is a very, very small chance.

I am working on finding a balance between moving on in a respectful way and leaving the door open if things should ever change.

[Avanti]

Your DB coach is right on the mark beckyb and the way you have described how you feel shows you are moving forward, even though the pain is still there, you are making progress.

[beckyb]

“You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.” Mother Jones. Labor organizer.

[Avanti]

Very inspiring words.