Still Struggling with a plan!

[hopeOK]

I don't know about jumping out of bed before him when it is 4:20am ... but I have applied this approach when he gets on his phone, just getting up & going somewhere else. I think it does help to focus on what I can do instead of what he is not doing.

Thank you, 25yearsmlc, for your candid advice. I do appreciate it. I was just reading the other day a blog (https://affairadvice.wordpress.com) written by a guy where he talked a lot about the things you mentioned- forgiveness (being for me, not for him), not continuing to bring it up, etc. So I definitely have been thinking about all of this.

I will say that I generally am happy & in a good mood when he is around. It is when he is off at work that I struggle the most. And a couple of those struggles have resulted in me saying something to H in a non-helpful way which puts him on the defensive. (i.e.- we're never going to watch movies together, I guess & it would be nice if you asked for me when you called & the kids answered.)

So really, I think I do need to stop looking at all he does so critically & focus on what I can do. And I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness... how to go about that. What that looks like. I don't think my parents were a good example of it... they just gave each other the silent treatment when mad & then eventually they stopped being mad about whatever it was.

The other night, we went on a walk while the kids rode their bike. It was a good opportunity for us to talk while doing something which we don't get often b/c the kids are mostly around. But they were ahead riding & he brought up the time right after I found out he had been cheating where I had said- "If only your daughter knew what a F*&$ing a$$h@le you are." I said, "yeah, I was very angry and I felt very betrayed." I let it drop for awhile and we carried on. Then a bit later I said that I was sorry, I didn't mean it but was just trying to hurt him. (It seems like I am the one always apologizing in our relationship these days... but I figure, if it helps him get over that resentment & hurt, then I should do it. And maybe I did apologize for this already & he just wasn't in a place to take it in. At the very least, this might be the universe making me learn the lesson of apologizing as it is something I never experienced growing up & hadn't come easily for me in the past.)

Later as we were walking I asked him what he thought about how things were going. He said he thought things were going really well. I asked him if he ever worried that we were not doing enough to really change what got us in this mess or if he ever worried that we would go back to our old ways. He said no. He said he didn't worry about that b/c of all the big changes we have made- talking more, spending more time together, etc. He asked me what I thought & I said that I don't really know what to think b/c he doesn't share much with me about what is going on in his head. He tried to say that not much was going on there but I know better. And really I tend to think that I am doing a lot of the changes... going to bed when he does, having sex often, dropping all the things I did to get away from him & have fun elsewhere, giving compliments, playing video games w/ him, etc. And yes, I suppose all of this is keeping a scorecard.

So while no monumental thing was discussed, we did have a nice relaxed conversation about us & I did find out he thought we were doing really good. (Where I tend to think we are not doing enough.)

I have not been so focused on whether he is cheating or not... I haven't looked at his phone, email, etc for at least a week. I don't feel compelled to do it. So I think at least this is better. I am laying off the fb stuff. I haven't stalked OW on her fb page in a good while either.

I actually don't bring up the affair anymore... I am just more critical of what he is doing now in regards to me (does he want to talk to me, spend time with me, etc). But I think I tend to have an all or nothing thought process going on. If he doesn't do all of xyz right now, then we are doomed. I know this is faulty thinking but I am a fixer type of person & want to put in maximum effort doing xyz & check it off the list. But I do need to focus on it being a process.

Yes, this is my only thread open right now. Thank you again for you honest advice from your experiences. I really do appreciate it.