The first step is always the hardest!

[Vanilla]

Ok V back to you! (although I love my racing) Emotions.

Yes I do feel very dissociated from them. Like I stated earlier I only feel I have a few emotions anger happy sad!

Remember little Riley with her 5 feelings at HQ. well actually there are six in most models. Everything else is a combo of feelings, one after the other. It is lacking in complexity. On the site I often read disgust which is mislabelled as anger. Disgust turned inwards is shame, the emotion of shame. Feelings are not the same as emotions. Feelings drive emotions. Feelings are created in the HQ and arise from the body, the hormones, from the senses :sight, hearing, touchetc, from the bodies response to the limbic system. They are automatic and almost instantaneous. You can have flooding when the system overreacts, a "rush", which the conscious mind manages. Emotions are the driver of action, which is behaviour. When we hear the expression 'get a hold of yourself' it can literally mean that. You can stroke your arms and hug yourself to calm down. Sometimes people rock or hum or drum their fingers to release the overwhelm.


Example of this. When I first ran into them and ignored him it was due to anxiety and emotional flooding I did not want to be rude I just wanted a few seconds to re group I did not expect them to be there I was caught off guard. I ignored him sat at the other end of the trailer and when he came to talk a second time I had more control. At first I had a racing heart breathing faster overwhelmed feeling. So I took a few minutes (litterally) before he approached me again to CHOOSE how I wanted to react to him. I am often Smart a$$ to him so that is why we could joke about it. I wasnt doing it to be a Bit*h its how we joke sometimes. I was sad because it is something we have always done together. this was the first year in many many years we have not gone together as a couple or as friends plus he was with OW there. As I sat down to gain my composure I thought to myself at least I am lucky to be here watching races enjoying myself. At least this week while he has been off running I have still gotten to spend time with our kids. It made me feel better about the situation. So I turned a negative moment into a positive. I know its only one instance but practice makes perfect.

Absolutely, this is called reframing. As you have mastered this and use this naturally then that's really excellent for your PMA.

I am working on reading the abuse thread. so when I get to the flooding part I will get back to you on that one!

It's a resource to dip in and out of. That's what I do.

Eating healthier and taking better care of my physical self will have to wait until after this week of racing. I know I should start right away but I am poor at saying no to the greasy good food! I will turn this into a goal somehow. I need to put some honest thought into it as I do not want to set myself up for failure! I need to make sure it is a goal I can reach!

My thoughts as yet incomplete on this. The weight loss is a goal but of itself that won't keep the loss away. We need something more powerful than a mere goal. Weight lost, then what? Most goals once complete stay complete.

I have not checked into Alanon yet but I do meet with IC tomorrow afternoon so I will ask him for some resources on that.

I feel like my boundaries are breached around here a lot but I am starting to see my participation in that also. I will have to do a lot of looking at boundaries information. I do not have the first clue of how to set a boundary or be assertive. It has always been easier to let everyone do what they want then get mad blow up and start all over! As i see it now this is not healthy or easier. It only makes things worse. I choose to continue working on reacting to the anger in a healthier way. Not just blowing up. (Ha I named my anger: Blowing UP!!!!)

Apt, you now have a name for your angry part Ms Blow up.

I know all about procrastination. I am an expert in that department. I was in school and still am! I procrastinated answering you while talking to UPhill about racing. I procrastinate a TON!!!!

OK, let's reframe this one. Let's say that whilst the mind is busy consciously working on one issue or even having fun (as you did with Uphill, i enjoyed your convo too as it unfolded) that the subconscious is busy processing and making new connections. Some take days or even weeks. Often if I post on my own thread or others there is a delay whilst my higher power works it through. This stuff isn't like a vending machine, it's more like a slow coooker.

I agree it is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. So set a goal that is attainable so I can feel accomplished and motivate myself? Since I would set myself up for failure by ordering myself and I will never be ready to give up all those carbs I love I can set small goals of cutting back even if its cutting out 5 carbs a week?

Of course, do that which works for you.

I am so bad with ultimatums which in turn does not help me set boundaries.

Ultimatums don't work unless you are prepared to carry them out. Like the little boy who cried 'wolf' so often that no one hear when there was a wolf.

When BD originally happened every time we argued i would say if I leave I am never coming back. Now I know this was not a truthful statement but then I felt I had to stick with it. So I should tell myself at least I can leave when I am ready and make any other decisions as they arise....I can not maintain I will never come back so why throw it out there. Everyday is a new day to choose whether I am staying or leaving (unless he really does force me out) I can change my mind at any time. I do not have to choose to feel stuck. I am an over thinker weigh the pros and cons ect. It is so hard for me to accept a decision I have made. I always second guess myself and continue mullinng it over. So maybe looking at it like a choice and I can change my mind 200 times if I want to. Its just a simple choice. Just like today I choose to go to the races and enjoy myself and I told myself I would see every race this week yet I chose to come home early and work on this site the other site and the CD workbook instead. I made a lot of choices today!

Yes indeed, terrific realisation.

Goals: So far I have accomplished a few of them!
I have walked 5 minutes 3 times this week. (not consistently but taking the kids to the bathroom a few times and walking to the car and back covered that)

I did not journal once a day this week I only did my writing on here. But I would say the flooding post and the one from today talking about how I felt running into them would be journaling so I did meet part of that goal.

I am just repeating what you said about what I can work on so I can keep reminding myself!!!

1. deciding if the actions others do are trustworthy...people and friends included

2. managing my reactions to my feelings by noticing how my behavior has an effect on others.....So this one I noticed when I said I would have to figure out the money it upset ex enough for him to say he was sick of it being all about me. I could have simply stated we can talk about this later. or yes we can deal with this together at home next week. I did not need to make him feel incompetent of helping/handling the situation. My reaction was out of anger/resentment/anxiety and not out of a way that would have been helpful to the situation
On the other hand my reaction today of stepping back for a few minutes was a positive way to handle my emotions.

3. setting reasonable boundaries I can enforce...Lots of work to do here...One of his friends (a mutual "friend" the OW's best friend who helped ex cheat..so not so much my friend anymore anyways I am sure you will understand) asked if I could watch her D2 while she helped ex on the car for the races. I was going to be sitting there anyways but did not want to watch her for selfish reasons...no one watches my kids while I go play I know not good enough reasons...but she also helped my ex cheat so I feel there was a boundary infraction in the first place so why should I help either of them. Due to my lack of ability to say no I ended up watching her and being resentful towards the "friend" not the child I love her she is cute...I just do not feel it is my responsibility...yep lots of work here to do!

So let's reframe this to: I am having more fun with your cute kid than you are. (thumb on nose, na na na na)

4. self worth by loving myself including all my strengths and weaknesses.....I felt like a good mom today when I came home an D4 came running up to me saying she missed me (I was only gone 4 hours) I put make up on got dressed up to go out made me feel good. so took care of myself the last few days. Everyday I have been off I have done make-up and hair and cleaned up! no sweatpants around here this week...ok yoga pants one day...but I did dress them up a little.....

Stands and cheers.


I may be bouncing thoughts around a little here sorry V!

Again let's reframe as "the pieces are coming together for me. I am enjoying this"


Goals:
1. I will continue booking weekly counseling sessions and focusing on myself and healing the infidelity and abuse issue.
I have counseling tomorrow and will ask about healing...
Have I met this goal
Yes and no...I will schedule follow up appointment tomorrow...I will be attending the session tomorrow...and we will have to see about the foucus when tomorrow comes...so I will get back to you on this goal after IC tomorrow


2. I will contact one alanon group this week and get information on the group times available and decide e if the meeting times will work for me....have not done this goal at all...Vacation took over my life....I will re-add this to next weeks goals.....

3. I have decided to face problems and not push them down by using a daily journal noticing the feeling and introducing a pause. I will choose to journal my feelings at least one time a day.I will choose to do something physical at least one time when I am feeling angry.....I have journaled twice but not daily...again schedule messed up with vaca...I did name one emotion Anger=blow up! I did describe a few emotions in both of my posts on here...I did take a time out today when I walked to the other end of the trailer for a break to re group....I have not spewed at all this week. There are things I could have done differently and I will chose to work on those as needed but feel I did pretty good this week....

4. my new acceptance is through detatchement I will wait 15 minutes before responding to a trigger...I did not wait 15 minutes but I did allow myself enough time to re-direct once and the one time I did spew very little about having to do it myself I appologized and honestly only made one not nice remark...I did allow a very small pause because I was ready to spew enough to regroup again!

I will be putting in some thinking for goals next week but I am open to your thoughts on my take on what you wrote! Thanks so much V

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Delighted, let me know how your IC session went.

I have a couple of thoughts on a mind trick that I use which we could adapt for you. Another poster hear Diana has eerily similar issues which is making me think that a different version of the same thing might work for her.

I just need to go procrastinate a little whilst my subconscious processes a new idea!

V