Still Struggling with a plan!

[25yearsmlc]

Look, you know what stinks even more if you mix it? Yeah you do, so don't!!!

The OW is his problem and do not go on making it your own. If he's hellbent on contacting her, he WILL FIND a way, frankly speaking, he might be romancing her in the copy room as we speak, and you cannot do anything.

So for PEte's sake, give it a rest. Slap a boundary on his behaviour if it affects you, otherwise do not.

So take your eyes off him and go on with your life, let him decide if he want's to join you...

Great advice from VAPO


IF you want to try THIS SITE"s approach then start following it. Call a DB coach and stop mixing approaches to working on your marriage. Of the many things I did to help our m, getting a coach was the single best thing I did, and NOT veering off course with other methods that can undermine this site's.

THIS SITE and its founder do NOT support exposure and there are a ton of reasons for that (which are in the book). There are a few people around here who disagree with MWD and they support exposure.

They were asked not to post OPPOSING suggestions here and on occasion, some have been banned, but returned with new screen names.

Don't get me wrong, I would encourage you questioning things --HERE, and often. Challenge things if you want but listen too.

RE the FB thing, seems to me you are banging your head against the wall. If I recall correctly, the FB issue was all old information that you invited back into your world and then felt hurt all over again. Wondering why he has not named you as his wife is just really striking me as too controlling.


He's married. He has announced it so the FB world knows. Are you concerned that OW believes he's actually secretly married to her, and not you? Is she insane?


The words "From this day forward" are in many wedding vows. Start living by those. I think they're brilliant.

And Lose the scorecard. Don't go picking it up again the next day! Believe me, I did that and scorecards and measuring things always always harms the marriage.

Plus it's as if we don't realize our spouses have their own scorecards and on theirs, we are NOT "Winning"! (We don't measure the same, don't note the same things don't read into what WE say or do, etc)

You are being your own worst enemy. Get out of HIS head and start LIVING a GOOD LIFE

which is for you AND so happens to be attractive too.

Can you see someone about the anxiety too? It can be very hard to think straight when you are not sleeping well or eating right. Anxiety can really set us back.

Sometimes Your wording here makes me feel as if you are acting like a Stepford wife barely in control of a forced smile (sorry if that stings).

That is NOT a fun way to live. To me, your h sounds as if he is doing his absolute best.

He fixed something for you son and said "Wish mommy could see that I can fix things" and you said nothing??

I think he was begging for some words of affirmation there.

Did you read the Five Love Languages? I recommend it to all couples. But look at it from his angle too.

I mean, I can see that you are reading INTO HIS behaviors and studying what you think of HIS feelings/thoughts/behaviors and choices and what they mean (which he may not even know AND which can change and which are NOT where your focus ought to be now anyhow)

it's like living your life in REACTION TO HIS... which isn't freedom of happiness.

What are you doing to CHANGE YOUR own behaviors?

Merely "not being so angry" isn't exactly a ground breaking improvement, is it? Name some more specific goals you have control over, i.e. your own choices.

Become a woman only a fool would leave.

BE THE BETTER CHOICE.

Then Do Not let the OW live, rent free in your head/heart anymore

She's beneath your attention.

Make sense?

My coach told me to do the following and if need be, try to do them FOR ONE WEEK and then see if you can renew...

1) Applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does (and NOT countering with what was left out or done "wrong")

2) Let go of the anger (at least in front of him). If you need to take a long walk (or what I referred to as "fury marches") when you start to obsess, do it. You'll get in shape and that will counter some of your negative emotions. The "I'm hormonal" reason has to be addressed or it acts as a way to justify being unreasonable or even nasty for chunks of time (for the next 2-3 decades of your life AND your h's??)

3) work on FORGIVENESS or you won't make it through this. That may mean daily or even hourly choices, and for me it was a learned skill.

Did you see forgiveness modeled in your childhood? Your parents marriage? What did it look like?

I never saw it. Had to learn it.

The times I felt that it was most hopeless in my marriage, looking back, was when I could not imagine or visualize what forgiveness would look like.

The good news is That begins with US. We can change ourselves so we are NOT powerless. You are not powerless.

Work on forgiveness and here is what I have learned about it...

Holding onto anger to punish someone else (b/c they "don't deserve to be free")

is like lighting yourself on fire, to get smoke in their eyes.

Part of forgiveness means

you don't get to hold this over his head like the sword of Damocles

you don't allow his past "wrongs" to affect how you behave towards him today

(esp while never admitting that you are still punishing him.)

you do Not get to throw it in his face every time you guys fight

which you will do b/c life presents conflicts and throws curve balls all the time.

Maybe HIS fear and insecurity is that you will not ever let go of this...

(how can HE visualize a happy future with you if he believes you'll never let go of it?)

So what are you showing him when you hunt for wrongs done in the past and allow that to be reflected in YOUR present behaviors?

I wasted a year of my life which I'll never get back, by NOT really DBing well.

I also was not fully present for my own children b/c I was too preoccupied with what my h was doing/thinking/feeling/planning... (as if he always knew)

If you really want to give this book and site a real chance, you can't mix it up with contradictory approaches bc it's unfair to all of them. This DB approach worked for me like no other and it improved my life so that regardless of what happened in the marriage, I knew I was going to be more than ok.

Thank God for my DB coach, a real blessing. I highly recommend them.

Also is this now your only thread? I have a very hard time following more than one thread per person.

Anyhow, know this, too. Progress and healing are NOT linear. You will have setbacks. Get back up and keep going.

Good luck