First Post, She just Left, Very unsure

[Shrike]

Hello all,

I am M:26 and the W:24 (turns 25 in 17days, more on this later) with one D:5

Not sure how to proceed writing this but I will let the words flow if I can. It definitely feels good to vent.

Marriage history to come in next post.

Also, I apologize for not knowing all of the abbreviations. (Part of me hopes that I'm not around long enough to memorize them, dark humor I know...)

I plan on picking up DR on the way home today if I can find it.

Pressing questions for me:

Do I go completely dark? Do I go dark/let go/protect myself all at once, or do I try to play by ear and react to the situation changing.

Her birthday is coming up, do I try to do anything for it?

Her and I are both fitness freaks. I go to the gym almost everyday, I am unwilling to give this up as it is helping tremendously with coping. She works at the gym that I go to. And I do not have the money to switch, although I am thinking about switching anyway. BUUUtt part of me thinks, that me showing up to the gym freshly groomed, very friendly to her listening to her workout advice or problems or whatever she has to say never done before, will explain in next post)consistently, will help turn her opinion of me around. Yes, no?

Pre notes:

I love my wife immensely and regret her having to walk out, is the only thing that woke me up. I do want her back and am unwilling to give up until its truly over. This would be her saying yes its over she wants a divorce or her starting up with a new guy. (this might change too I'm not sure how i will feel when it happens?

I am slightly confused trying to sort through whether the information I am reading about is for separated males or females, or if it even matters. As well as if its for separations with affairs or without them. And if any of that matters.

I am here because this particular course of action does feel right. Not to say there aren't moments of despair and doubt. I constantly question if I am doing the right thing by avoiding her. Not a lot of time has passed so I guess I will see.

At this moment in time she is still communicating with me. Her saying she doesn't know what she wants, whether its me in the long run or a future apart, does give me a slight hope in reconciliation. I know I cannot expect this for my sanity's sake.

I do not suspect an affair right now. But again I have no expectations. This may be happening and it will probably hurt if true.

My Story So Far:

8/30/15 was BD (bomb drop?) She left the same night. I let her go, we've had this conversation before, but she seems heart set on the space. I know its good to give space. I don't beg her, don't say im going to change, again Ive done all that before and she did stay, but not for her she says, because she cant see me in pain.

Currently still at her parents. The first week I was in pre-denial if there is such a thing. I was convinced she would be back after a few days. That she just needed a little break. She'd be back, shes threatened to leave before but always stayed, this isn't different shes coming back. I am texting her throughout the day. Making Facebook posts to try and show her and the world that I love her, send wedding pictures to remind of the good times.

9/5/15 The second week rolls around, I am in shock, devastated. The pain is unreal, I walk around gagging, nausea, tears, that awful lump and the pain in the heart, oh wow its real. Desperate to find something that will work, my search of the internet begins. I talk to family members, and for the first time in a while i try to talk to God.

9/6/15 She texts me saying shes going to move to a renovated house her stepdad is building. She also mentions legal separation. I do not disagree but, this scares me even more, more desperation sets in.

9/6-7/15 I do a lot of research during the previous day, I find Jack Ito and i also find Divorce busters. I don't have the money to call but the things they talk about give me hope.

They talk about various techniques but I resolve to go to try and get her, i tell her I understand, I tell her she can still have her space, I try to make it about her not me. I explain to her in a letter that I read in tears that I understand why she left, that I took her heart and she expected me to protect it and that I broke that vow and destroyed her love.

I ask her to let me regain her trust. But she says she doesn't know if she can. I ask to get to relearn each other. But she doesn't know if she can. I ask to just start dating again, she says shes not ready.


The here and now: Fast forward 3 day's
After the denial of Monday night, I see that pushing, begging, convincing isn't going to work. Her heart is hardened against me. Since we have a daughter that is 5, I also decide that I cannot for her sake, and my own, sit around in self pity, hoping that my wife will return.

Tuesday the 8th i am still texting her during the day. Trying to take deep breaths and relax. Pain comes in waves. Anxiety still high. I do call her that night.

Wednesday the 9th Very little texting from me. I call her that night because we need to find a better place for our (mostly hers) dog to stay, because I work long hours he is alone from 7am until 8pm

Today, little to no texting. only ask her about some bills. remain friendly. convincing myself to let go/move on. but the pain still comes the desire still comes, the lump doesn't go away.