I see that I do have to back off a lot and stop controlling. Good. Thats a start!
It is true I cannot make her happy, just be as you say and hope that with that attitude it helps towards her being happy. But her happiness is I agree up to her.
I am happy she has friends but disappointed that she spends so much time away from home at the gyms, anything where she is needed has to be worked around those hours and as she chooses to not be a player then at least be a cheerleader, otherwise where is the teamwork?
As regards the moving I decided to never again touch the subject until the moment it is imperative that she finally jump off the fence. These kinds of actions require planning in advance, finding a new home, timetable of events, organizing the actual change, etc. At the moment things are still green so input from her is not really necessary at this stage, maybe a little enthusiasm would be appreciated but given the circumstances. When a comment does come up I do include the words us & we and she acknowledges but I leave it at that. I think for now, the best bet is to "act as if" she is going to join you in the end. Positivity breeds positivity. I think the more you poke and ask and prod her, the more likely it is that she gets fed up and decides against it.
I never thought only she has a choice. We both have a choice to either work it out or not. I chose to work it out with her stay or leave. Right, but I believe that choice is fluid. Will you always choose to do that? I think probably not. So I wouldnt be so FINAL with saying "I choose to stay". It forces her into a defensive position right out of the gate. Either shes the bad guy or she chooses something that is currently leaving her unsatisfied. She has the same choice. What I do not choose is to carry on in a situation where I will continue to be unhappily married. So, already, your bold "choice" has conditions. Thats why I think any grand proclamations are only going to hurt you. It isnt quite so black and white. If she wants to continue living her life this way, complain but do nothing about it then fine. It is her choice and I will respect that but not be a part of it. I consider this move that I HAVE to do as a fresh start to try something different for all of us. I notice this a lot in your writing. Feeling like you HAVE to do something. Or are obligated to do something. You are under no obligation to do ANYTHING. You choose to do it. Now, some choices are easier than others: [color:#FF0000]I have this knife in my hand, should I stab myself wit it? yes or no? But you dont HAVE to move for your job. You could quit and find a different job, for example. Im not saying its a good choice. But if you think of things as choices instead of obligations, it will help you, I think. Lets revisit this up ahead. [/color]
So cruel as it may sound, I am doing it since as I said before, I HAVE to and she has to decide whether she wants to come or not. I only have Plan A, she has Plan A & B. Have you read DR? I would recommend reading the section on The Beginner's Mind. I think you could learn a lot. The compromise is limited to the options we have. I am willing to listen and discuss any other options she may have that I have not thought of but here is where I go back to the point I made earlier about sitting down and talking.
The teamwork is at present non existent because she is just taking in info without sharing and I am trying to second guess as best I can. There will inevitably come a time when she has to say A,B,C or whatever and from then we can act as a team to reach the goal. Until then the left hand does not know what the right is thinking. This is fair. But as long as you keep pushing, she is going to stay clammed up. You have to give her the space to process this. As you said, the time to make that decision is still a ways off. So, why do you need to know today?
I agree that her silence may not mean she is clueless nor depressed and that I may come off as controlling her attitude but for the good part of these 2 years she has neglected basic duties that I have had to take over to avoid problems like forcing her to renew her licence otherwise we would have problems with the insurance company. I had to force her to do it telling her of the legal consequences if she drove without a valid licence and that it was either that or not touch the car. So, back to making choices. Do you think that after the second or third time of you reminding her that she didnt know that she needed to do this? You said "if you dont renew your license, you cant drive" right? So what more did you need to do after that? You said: here is a choice you can make. Then you proceeded to make it for her by "forcing" her to renew. She's not a child. She's a grown woman. I then had to organize the medical, etc. The teamwork should have been her telling me she needs to do it so and if I could help her organize it because i handle these matters much better. Huh? Your thought is "she needs to tell me to do it, because I do it better"? I dont follow this. So as you see, I can take her silence, withdrawal, neverending hours in the gym, etc but hey... at least make an effort to have your S's back if you know he is taking the brunt. Im not arguing with you about this. Yes. In a healthy marriage, thats what should happen. But thats not where you are right now. But its good to know what you want.
Another thing, I am not too convinced about this move and it is affecting me and making me nervous and I have shared this with her. I still think we have a lot to gain by moving but there are many uncertainties which make me nervous and I feel I am hit on all fronts. I have to work on my R Nope. No reason to work on that right now. and put emotional resources for those bad days when you question everything, I have to put resources on looking at the positive aspects of moving and how it will affect my R, life & S when I also question if it is a good move. I then also have to put emotional resources in trying to do my job as best as I can. I have been given a new challenge with a lot of responsability on my shoulders and cannot let personal problems affect my job.
Some days I feel secure and something happens to make me feel I am making the right decisions but the majority of the time I question every step I take knowing the implications of getting it wrong. After all, I am talking about my Life + Marriage + Career the three pillars we generally base our life in general on. The never ending self doubt is tough. We're all right there with you. But all we can do is try the best that we can with the tools that we have.
I try to talk to her and the general reply is it is a good move, it would improve my career and that I should think about me and do what I feel is right. The thing is anything I decide will inevitably affect those around me in a big way. You cant predict HOW it will affect them though. So I think she's right. Do what you think is best for you and for your son. Its easy to look back and second guess later. But do what you think is best.
In final answer to your question, yes, I do think of her as an equal part of our marriage. I just wish she would too regardless of her job status. God knows the times I have and still do consult her and share things. The problem is she doesn't, she keeps her problems to herself doesnt do anything to solve them Nope. She is doing something to solve them. Just not what YOU would do or what you WANT her to do. Her solution doesnt match your expctation so you call it doing nothing. and then we find ourselves having to cover for her or let her crash and burn and learn the hard way (something you try and avoid if you love someone). As I said before, you dont HAVE to cover for her. If you act like her father and try to fix all of her troubles, she wont consider you as a husband anymore. Sometimes, I have learned, we need to let them understand that their actions have consequences. I thought I was being a great husband taking care of everything in my M, but I came to realize that by doing everything, she never felt equal, and always thought that I thought less of her. And so resentment on both sides grew.
She just carries on with the same routine day in day out.
Today for example is shopping day and I generally pick her up at 11:15 from the gym, take her a coffee and we go do the shopping. She has some problems with her tendons due to over exercise so needs to visit a clinic to cure it for the next 2 weeks and has booked at 11:15 which is when she finishes gym. She asked If I had to do something at 09:00 to which I replied not really and she then said if I could pick her up at 09:00 as she has no class until 10:00 and do some shopping since at 11:15 is clinic time. This p***ed me off. I work from home so yes I can drop everything and leave, no one controls my hours but I politely said it would not give me time to finish off some things. I lied. She did not take it too well. To me she should have said can you pick me up at 09:00 I will skip class so we can do shopping and I can be at 11:15 at the clinic. THEN I would agreed. It is a compromise. She does this constantly, get people to work around her gym hours. It is not a compromise. It is YOUR compromise. Maybe she had other thoughts and she thought that she was meeting you in the middle. Instead of getting angry, validate. Im having a bit of trouble following this situation, but in general, validation is much better than getting angry.
We all are tired of telling her to back off pushing herself, so.....stop. she is not a teenager but a 47 year old woman. Her achilles tendons are on the verge of giving up. She relentlessly continues. If they do snap she cannot do anymore of the stuff she does and will become miserable and again My guess is that she is doing it to show you all that she can. The more you tell her to stop, the more driven she will become. ... at home we will have to bear the brunt of her anger.
Try to get her to stop and you are controlling, leave her alone until she falls and then you have to pick up the pieces. No. You dont HAVE to pick up the pieces. SHE has to. You dont have to fix her. You dont have to save her. it is a no win situation. I told her explicity, if you damage your tendons you will be out for months. If you get a job request you will not be able to walk and will lose the job possibility. This affects us as a family unit since we could do with the money and she could do with a job that she seems to baldy want. In one ear out the other. What if you told her what you want instead of how to do it. Start by coming from, Im concerned that ur income is too low. Instead of you cant go to the gym and hurt yourself so you cant work. Shes not working now, so why would she care? Youre trying to solve her problems insead of letting her figure them out.
