I see that I do have to back off a lot and stop controlling.
It is true I cannot make her happy, just be as you say and hope that with that attitude it helps towards her being happy. But her happiness is I agree up to her.
I am happy she has friends but disappointed that she spends so much time away from home at the gyms, anything where she is needed has to be worked around those hours and as she chooses to not be a player then at least be a cheerleader, otherwise where is the teamwork?
As regards the moving I decided to never again touch the subject until the moment it is imperative that she finally jump off the fence. These kinds of actions require planning in advance, finding a new home, timetable of events, organizing the actual change, etc. At the moment things are still green so input from her is not really necessary at this stage, maybe a little enthusiasm would be appreciated but given the circumstances. When a comment does come up I do include the words us & we and she acknowledges but I leave it at that.
I never thought only she has a choice. We both have a choice to either work it out or not. I chose to work it out with her stay or leave. She has the same choice. What I do not choose is to carry on in a situation where I will continue to be unhappily married. If she wants to continue living her life this way, complain but do nothing about it then fine. It is her choice and I will respect that but not be a part of it. I consider this move that I HAVE to do as a fresh start to try something different for all of us.
So cruel as it may sound, I am doing it since as I said before, I HAVE to and she has to decide whether she wants to come or not. I only have Plan A, she has Plan A & B. The compromise is limited to the options we have. I am willing to listen and discuss any other options she may have that I have not thought of but here is where I go back to the point I made earlier about sitting down and talking.
The teamwork is at present non existent because she is just taking in info without sharing and I am trying to second guess as best I can. There will inevitably come a time when she has to say A,B,C or whatever and from then we can act as a team to reach the goal. Until then the left hand does not know what the right is thinking.
I agree that her silence may not mean she is clueless nor depressed and that I may come off as controlling her attitude but for the good part of these 2 years she has neglected basic duties that I have had to take over to avoid problems like forcing her to renew her licence otherwise we would have problems with the insurance company. I had to force her to do it telling her of the legal consequences if she drove without a valid licence and that it was either that or not touch the car. I then had to organize the medical, etc. The teamwork should have been her telling me she needs to do it so and if I could help her organize it because i handle these matters much better. So as you see, I can take her silence, withdrawal, neverending hours in the gym, etc but hey... at least make an effort to have your S's back if you know he is taking the brunt.
Another thing, I am not too convinced about this move and it is affecting me and making me nervous and I have shared this with her. I still think we have a lot to gain by moving but there are many uncertainties which make me nervous and I feel I am hit on all fronts. I have to work on my R and put emotional resources for those bad days when you question everything, I have to put resources on looking at the positive aspects of moving and how it will affect my R, life & S when I also question if it is a good move. I then also have to put emotional resources in trying to do my job as best as I can. I have been given a new challenge with a lot of responsability on my shoulders and cannot let personal problems affect my job.
Some days I feel secure and something happens to make me feel I am making the right decisions but the majority of the time I question every step I take knowing the implications of getting it wrong. After all, I am talking about my Life + Marriage + Career the three pillars we generally base our life in general on.
I try to talk to her and the general reply is it is a good move, it would improve my career and that I should think about me and do what I feel is right. The thing is anything I decide will inevitably affect those around me in a big way.
In final answer to your question, yes, I do think of her as an equal part of our marriage. I just wish she would too regardless of her job status. God knows the times I have and still do consult her and share things. The problem is she doesn't, she keeps her problems to herself doesnt do anything to solve them and then we find ourselves having to cover for her or let her crash and burn and learn the hard way (something you try and avoid if you love someone).
She just carries on with the same routine day in day out.
Today for example is shopping day and I generally pick her up at 11:15 from the gym, take her a coffee and we go do the shopping. She has some problems with her tendons due to over exercise so needs to visit a clinic to cure it for the next 2 weeks and has booked at 11:15 which is when she finishes gym. She asked If I had to do something at 09:00 to which I replied not really and she then said if I could pick her up at 09:00 as she has no class until 10:00 and do some shopping since at 11:15 is clinic time. This p***ed me off. I work from home so yes I can drop everything and leave, no one controls my hours but I politely said it would not give me time to finish off some things. I lied. She did not take it too well. To me she should have said can you pick me up at 09:00 I will skip class so we can do shopping and I can be at 11:15 at the clinic. THEN I would agreed. It is a compromise. She does this constantly, get people to work around her gym hours.
We all are tired of telling her to back off pushing herself, she is not a teenager but a 47 year old woman. Her achilles tendons are on the verge of giving up. She relentlessly continues. If they do snap she cannot do anymore of the stuff she does and will become miserable and again... at home we will have to bear the brunt of her anger.
Try to get her to stop and you are controlling, leave her alone until she falls and then you have to pick up the pieces. it is a no win situation. I told her explicity, if you damage your tendons you will be out for months. If you get a job request you will not be able to walk and will lose the job possibility. This affects us as a family unit since we could do with the money and she could do with a job that she seems to baldy want. In one ear out the other.
