Flailing

[Lost08]

Well, I just lost a half-hour worth of writing. Lost my post and now have to run and get D and get back to the apartment.

Here's my last post from the old thread. Zues, I hope to reply to you soon.

I'm actually confused about a lot of things.

Yikes.

I guess I'll start with the more minor stuff? Spent the day yesterday with H. He was going back to the mall ! to buy new clothes for his trip. Asked me if I was coming. I knew I needed to go into town, too, and agreed to go - which he didn't expect. We had a pretty nice day overall. Minimal awkwardness. Some laughs. And a nice evening back at the apartment with the kids. I was good at being friendly/PMA but not too much. But then, b/c we do get along so well, I end up feeling confused. By the evening, I slipped up once or twice, referring to him by old nicknames like "hon" etc. and could feel how much I still love him. I don't want to feel that. And I think, while I don't say "I love you," maybe my actions are too caring. I'm not sure if that makes any sense.

I read some of the other posts and wonder if I'm supposed to be taking a hard stand, not keeping things friendly. Idk.

Anyway, that "rope" I hear referred to has not only been held tightly in my hand, wrapped around my wrist, and over my head, but maybe around my neck, too. I felt as if maybe I had unraveled it from my head and neck yesterday during the day, and started in on the wrist. But last night's convo. with IC again showed me the mirror.

I'm hypervigilant and constantly waiting for the next bomb. I'm still not sleeping well, still crying, still in pain. IC says I'm showing soft signs of PTSD and she's very worried. I have no support system and that's a huge red flag for her. Workin on it. IC has started talking about meds. I can't go there. No meds.

IC focuses some on H and talks about how some of the things he says are good b/c it shows he's still in denial about actually losing me and the full consequences of his actions. I don't think she's familiar with DB. But she is very concerned about my well-being.

So today was a little rough. Probably more cheeseless tunnels? A lot of anxiety - I haven't been able to run or exercise) and many thoughts of H and OW. I actually was thinking it's better if I face those images of H being happy and intimate with OW and feel the pain in the hope it will help drive me to slice the rope off and float away.

Also, while I've been dreading H leaving again and knowing I will fall apart when he does, I'm also thinking maybe it will be good for me. Out of sight, out of mind. I won't be able to look at him and think of how much I love him, how I love his eyes and his hands and the sound of his voice, and the way he laughs and the way he is with my children. There will be limited contact, only thru the computer. I'm sure it will be pleasant but aloof b/c he'll be back with OW and his responsibility free life and he'll be just a small computer image. Maybe I'll be able to find my way thru my grief and start to move on.